Can you see!!

hello

this is your life speaking



you have no idea what you're doing

do you?

the monsoon of 2007

moist by the rain
or hope under the eyelids

what keeps me from deleating my blogs











time

on a rainy day
i let the heart think
and the mind decide


the grass is vague on the other side

i came across the last reel of this film...this is where it ends

and so he entered the Angel's home,
the bestest home in the whole world,
on being greeted by the Angel's mother
he says how Angel is the bestest thing that happened to him,
and how she makes him happy
but lets just keep it to sleeping around with the Angel,
because, i madam am too young, you see
to young to know that she's 'the one'

the bestest thing that happened to me..
she takes all i give her, days when ive made her cry,
and then she lights up when i tell her i love her..

but no madam, she might not be 'the one'
because my 5 digit salary doesnt make me secure enough,
i am too young you see,
i dont know what i want,
i got it all too soon..
i was too young you see
to know that she's the one..

i want her to be with me,
but no madam, im not sure if she's 'the one'
i am too young you see..

she knows what ticks me off, and drives me crazy,
she even knows what shirt looks good on me..
i sleep with her
she wakes me up..
to seeing what the world looks from her eyes..

i love her, you know,
but im not sure if she's 'the one'
im too young you see

i know she's leaving
so i can live the life i want,
she loves me a lot,
but no madam
im too young you see..

the x ray machine

hopelesshopelesshopelesshopelesshopelesshopelesshopelesshopelesshopelesshopelesshopelesshopelesshopelesshopelesshopelesshopelesshopelesshopelesshoplesshopelesshopelesshopelesshopelesshopelesshopelesshoplesshopelesshopelesshopelesshopelesshopelesshopeless.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................


this one is for all my friends..

dont romanticze moments once you're awake..

leave it to the dreams....dreams dont have a blunt life to live..

you do.............


life..................................is beautiful..

as long as your looking at yourself on the other side of the aisle

the day before i woke up

i sit on this wall and

wait for you whoever you

are where ever you may be

i've been sitting on this wall

since i was 17 years old just

waiting for you

whoever you are where ever

you may be to find me

i shall sit on this wall for the

rest of my life if need be..........

zingbingtringtring

you were the psychadellic rythem on my mind

when i danced naked throughout the night

Crazy Beautiful

i saw 'Before Sunset' today...

and she reminded me of someone ive known for the past 24 years..

the words she said, even the ones she did not..

it's amazing..

and then we call things rosy...

Within minutes you arrive at the Angel's house.
It is the most beautiful two - bedroom flat you have ever seen.
Upon entering you are greeted by Angel's Mother.
The Angel's Mother immediately declares that you are the bestest boyfriend her daughter has ever had.
She pats you on the head and heads for the kitchen to bake a 'special cake' just or you - the bestest boyfriend her daughter has ever had.
The Angel asks if you would like to lie in the bed with her?
You say you would love to lie on the bed with her.
You take her hand and she guides you to her bedroom.
It is the most beautiul bedroom you have ever seen.
You take off your shoes, place her beautiful beating heart between the pillows which furnish the edge of the bed.
And you just lie there waiting for the mother to bring you the 'special cake' she has baked especially for you - the bestest boyfriend her daughter has ever had.

Close my eyes and count back from 10 9
been waiting all my life
been waiting all my life 8 7
it will happen
it will happen 6 5 seconds
left i am completely breathless
4 not sure not sure love me
loves me not 3 dont go
dont go 2 seconds remain
nothing ventured nothing gained 1
please stay................please

The Wallpaper

'You are so beautiful,

Do rude things to me

Please

I beg you'


some things just strike you for no reason

Fallen sick on a journey,
In dreams I run wildly
Over a withered moor.

life ke side effects

the background:
i walked through the streets of Karol Bagh mesmerized by the crowed and the energy that floated me from one end of the market to the other..
floated coz i did'nt need to walk, the crowd just floated me through the passage even before i took a step

the myth:
people who think i am sensible and simple must also know how nice a 3 lakh solitaire white gold base ring looked on my finger today
and how i would have seriously arried a man today had he bought me that ring, seriously

basic facts:
im turning 24 this year, and something seems to have gone wierd with my family....the age factor seems to be alarming for them...


chapter 1: the unanswered questions
the more im aging / growing old, im getting more and more confused about what i want from my life. My junior from college met me after a year and the first thing that came out of the 22 year old's mouth was: ' Gauri, when do you plan to get married?'

then ofcourse there had to be suitable matches around the globe just waiting for you to turn x number of years for them to plan their 7 pheras with you

Chapter 2: Damad manufactured in the US:
Pranay...a typical Alahbadi name for a 26 year old eligible US based guy.Mummy ji already dreams of her boy settling down with the Kashmiri 'kudi' but dal gal nahi rahi hai...
poor guy, probably dreams everyday that tank pac would permanently keep their officers on board....

Climax:
i saw pyar ke side effects the third time today, once with Navdeep, then yesterday, and then today for the final time...partly because i love to pass my time watching movies after padhai likhai, and also coz i still dont understand why all of us think we want to get married / settle down in our lives with someone because we have successfully crossed an x number of years...

the synopsis:
the answer to my junior's question, and by the way...there was something similar that Pranay asked me a while back, again about settling down, something i did not have an answer for is that...
im not settled yet, and i guess i wont be till the time i don't achieve my dream...im not settling down with someone because i have turned x number of years, it has to be a lot more than that...
and till the time i dont have the answer to their questions i don't want to give it a thought..

p.s: no im not in a cranky mood....

the lost kite

don't fall..

i belong some place else

A "peace of my mind" - 30 seconds of patience

I do not care what car you drive, where you live..
If you know someone who knows someone who knows someone..
If your clothes are this years cutting edge..
If your trust fund is unlimited..
If you are A - list, B - list or never heard of before list..

I only care about the words that flutter from your mind..
They are the only thing you truly own..
The only thing i will remember you by..

I will not fall in love with your bones and skin..
I will not fall in love with the places you have been..
I will not fall in love with anything but the words that flutter from your extraordinary mind.

A "peace" of my mind - breathing space

rain..that cleans through the knots on my brains...
air...that fills the deep isolated pores of my spirit..

you never left..
you are on your way back..

will i manage to keep my mind sane after
my work
my Master's
my courses
my family
and a trillion thoughts that go zig - zag in my mind????

Space Dye Vest

Falling through pages of martens on angels
Feeling my heart pull west
I saw the future dressed as a stranger
Love in a space-dye vest
Love is an act of blood and Im bleeding
A pool in the shape of a heart
Beauty projection in the reflection
Always the worst way to start

But hes the sort who cant knowAnyone intimately,
least of all aWoman.
he doesnt know what a womanIs. he wants you for a possession,
Something to look at like a painting or an ivory box.
Something to own and to display. he doesnt want you to be real,
Or to think or to live. he doesnt love you, but I love you.
I want you to have your own thoughts and ideas and feelings, even whenI hold you in my arms. its our last chance... its our last chance...
Now that youre gone Im trying to take it
Learning to swallow the rage
Found a new girl I think we can make it
As long as she stays on the page
This is not how I want it to end
And Ill never be open again...

i was gonna move out...ummm...get,Get a job, get my own place, ummm,
But... I go into the mall where i
Want to work and they tell me, im,I was too young...
Some people, gave advice before,
About facing the facts, aboutFacing reality. and this is, this
Without a doubt, is his biggestChallenge ever.
hes going to have to face it.Youre gonna have to try, hes gonna to have to try and,Uh, and, and, and get some help here.
I mean no one canSay they know how he feels.
That, so they say that, in ya knowLike, houston or something, youdSay its a hundred and eighty degrees,
But its a dry heat. in houston they say that?
Oh, maybe not. Im all mixed up.Dry until they hit the swimming pool....i get up with the sun... listen.
You have your own room to sleep in,
I dont care what you do.
I dontCare when. that door gets locked,
That door gets locked at night by nine oclock.
If youre not in this house by nine oclock, then youd better find somePlace to sleep.
because youre not going to be a bum in this house.Supper is ready...

Theres no one to take my blameIf they wanted to
Theres nothing to keep me sane
And its all the same to you
Theres nowhere to set my aim
So Im everywhereNever come near me again
Do you really think I need you
Ill never be open again,
I could never be open again.
Ill never be open again,
I could never be open again.
And Ill smile and Ill learn to pretend
And Ill never be open again
And Ill have no more dreams to defend
And Ill never be open again

- "dREAM" - tHEATRE

A "peace" of my mind - the final seconds..

@ im getting out...

$ (laughs)...ok let me go and watch the match now..

@ i mean it....each time you laugh it off, it brings me closer to this decision..

$ ( laughs again) ok let me go, ill call you later..


(this was a conversation shared by two of my friends today...two individuals who're growing miles apart)



why do people stay in relationships that dont add any intent to their lives...
does their "love" blindfold the reality that stands 10 steps away from them..
after some time, it all relies on how you "WISH" things to be when you wake up after a fearful nightmare.
your head feels heavy coz you'r carrying this extra baggage for long.

In my nani's house ive seen monkeys carrying their baby's dead carcus till the time every piece if bone and flesh falls down from her body. She carries it where ever she goes, imagining the dead baby is still alive...

many of us are the same...we carry carcuses with us, because of the fear of acceptance that we've lost, or are losing something..

Can you see...

Disater Management: altering the strings of life..

There you stand, drowning in the rain..
Kidding yourself the wind don't sting..
And all this time the thing you want is calling to you..

And who's gonna mend you when you're broken..
And who's gonna find you when you're stolen..
And who will always love you..
I'll be around for a while

- Steve Vai

you left me...never left my conversations

days when things arent really fine...
pretend..
tell yourself how happy you are with the 'other' things in your life...
if it still dosent help..
call Dr. Love on Radio an help him make you realize what a fucked up loser you are..
if you still manage to justify yourself..
force yourself to love tracks that include the words: time and memories..
if your heart's still not melted..
drink till you see two glasses instead of one..
if there's still no hope, and you and people around you have given hope..
then ive just found the sibling i have been in search of for long long time...


the one word that still scares me to death:
Forever


can you see....meee?

yours......impishly

the lost 'peace' (es) of my mind

vague..vagur..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vbague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague.vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..

This is the only word that's been running in my mind for 2 days now...
.....no i didn't think wiring it down over and over again woul get me a solution...

im just trying to wash it off my head...

yours vaguely..

A "peace" of my mind: the greed within

i want a rock...a house with a garden and flowers and wooden swing....or a penthouse with a view of the sun & heaven....i want to inhale and exhale like i've never tasted air before...i want to wake up to dream again...i want to chase shadows...to count the number of golden leaves that follow me when i try to run away from them...i want mee...i want to miss to keep wanting again...

i am what you forgot i was..
i am also what you missed in yourself..

yours graciously

it is i who decide where my heaven shines..
it is "mee" who lighten's up my sky...

i dont want to be the deciding factor between my heart and my brain...
they have a universe of their own...

yours patiently...

A "peace" of my mind: I & My Mee

Im coming back..
from where you never left..

A "peace" of my mind: the unspoken word

** why do you always have to go away?


## Because it gives me a reason to keep coming back to you..

:-)

"Peace/s" of my mind - nothing to keep

spending your day...not like the other days you've spent in the past one year is.......??? im trying to find one word for that...

i spent yesterday in doing things that "i havent done in ages"...and those that "people dont expect me to do"...

i.e...doing things i havent done in ages.....sat alone in my lawn and heard Ledzep songs...

things not expected of me......watched the entire match...one over after another....

im leaving..

i hate this phrase!

no..but i am...i going away to Mukteshwar.....not only because it is my job to go (i could have refused to go), nor am i dying for a holiday...but i just can't stay here anymore...

i always run away.....always

nothing to keep me here...

A "peace" of my mind: in search of a high tide

i've messed up so many times in my life... that it dosen't come as a surprise if i make another blunder...

but then i have my intoxicated moments of child - like conversations with street kids in wee hours of night at the NFC market..

each one of them goes to school....knows how the English alphabet begins with an A and ends with Z....but it takes them a minute to realize that Guddu starts, not with a J, but the alphabet G..they told me how none of them actually pays attention to the white woman who spares 3 hours everyday in a government run school, trying to grab their attention to the educated world....none of them pays attention....ofcourse..

Roopa handed over tea..one cup after the other, diverting their attention from her short denim skirt, while Prateek tried to make conversations in a language that was drunk and alien to all of us..

i was in search of my being.....yet again...

and not that i've found it....i am on a passage of rediscovering myself everyday..

like anyone else, i have spent years in absolutely hating kids...i want to spend most of the part left in my life, in learning from them....

yours childishly
gauri

A "peace" of my mind - ten reasons why i shouldnt be dumped...

No. 1: It's already happened in the past
No. 2 - 10: 'galt baat hai'

(miya you'd understand)

A "peace" of my mind - the third stroke

I want to meet people who consider themselves as Optimists
and breathe the same air as i do..

A "peace" of my mind - the second crumb

sometimes it is good to live in an illusion..
even if waking up is not such a good experience..

how the same alphabets could change the course of your life..

i "tried"



i'm "tired"

A "peace" of my mind..the first encounter with reality...

Starting today, im going to add a "peace" of my mind (hopefully on a regular basis)....




'Distance does not make hearts grow apart,
it is the journey travelled together in the past
that matters'

A "peace" of my mind: the greed within

i want a rock...a house with a garden and flowers and wooden swing....or a penthouse with a view of the sun & heaven....i want to inhale and exhale like i've never tasted air before...i want to wake up to dream again...i want to chase shadows...to count the number of golden leaves that follow me when i try to run away from them...i want mee...i want to miss to keep wanting again...

i am what you forgot i was..
i am also what you missed in yourself..

yours graciously

you are the last piece of paper left with 'me'

Shadows of love,
that run away from,
the darkness they cant touch,
feathers that weigh down,
caught alive,
in your crown of thorns,
that safe strain of a life always hurts,
quiet cries when my eyes never care,
what my heart promises you,
if my dreams know you,
your wheathered love never begged for a life.

Are you painfully safe?
Are you rightfully loved?

From this cage,
will you fly away?

It always started with the eyes,
beginning of a visual gala,
if my senses that you've completely bowled over..

Eyes...lovingly imprisoned in the alter truth of your beauty..

yours...unwittingly

this is how i begin....

"somedays i wana quit..
somedays i feel like shit..
just feel normal for a bit.."

ive been listening to this song everyday...
while driving, during breaks from work, i humm it...
but each time i hear it i understand it in a completely different context from the previous one..

someone once told me..
i cant seek my share of happiness in others..
a common mistake all of us make..
as long as i 'depend' on someone to come and change that very moment thats f***ing you up, by adding a little dash of themselves to it...

"So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',"


ive ended..enough..
recetly ive had an urge "to begin"..

honestly, for a week now, if not more iv seen myself evolve / change (however you want to put it)


i dont want to drink
turned myself into a vegetarian
i've had enough of explaining, and talking and justifying..
especially with the number of walls that im surrounded with..
now i like the silence around me..
i chose to not justify anymore..

ive never understood what Vivekananda said, what Aurobindo preached, i just remember conversations, not people involved in them...just the conversation..


"I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find that you have something to say,"


i chose not to be trapeed between the good, bad and the ugly..

i choose to be(with) myself..

No one told me about her..

its strange
so many clouds in my head
and i get my dose of rain with the temporary moments in a day..
nothing that'l last..
moments come and go (im not saying people, they are a part of those moments)..
and leave traces of miniscule atom like memories..
that we try to hold on and drag along with us...
till another day dawns..

Sometimes its damn irritating to open your machine and find Mr. Horoscope turn into Mr. Horrorscope....

this is what was in store for me today -

It's important to keep your financial budget in balance. However, have you ever thought about your emotional resources in the same way? You can't keep spending so much on certain areas that aren't fruitful.



great...rub it in!

"Everyone carries a room about inside them. This fact can even be proved by means of the sense of hearing. If someone walks fast and one pricks up one's ears and listens, say at night, when everything round about is quiet, one hears, for instance, the rattling of a mirror not quite firmly fastened to the wall."

(Franz Kafka, The Blue Notebooks)

Lost, yesterday,
somewhere between sunrise and sunset,
two golden hours,
each set with sixty diamond minutes.
No reward is offered for they are gone forever.

- Horace Mann

if i were rain for the day...

getting out of a place
i dont call home
home that you gave up on
once upon a time
things started to seem better
for that blink of time

rain in my mind
cuts through as my newborn hair
swish swish around my neck whispering
words i dont want to understand..

is the wheather changing
or have you
made it seem like it was never windy before

2 songs
360 degree of life
everythings changing
again...


but me....

for people who've changed...and those who are changing..

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.

She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

You know the place where you used to live,
Used to barbecue up burgers and ribs,
Used to have a little party every Halloween with candy by the pile,
But now, you only stop by every once and a while,
Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time,
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find that you have something to say,
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For why you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it...

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...


- Fort Minor

Dont read this one..hear it..

Here I am,
lost in the light of the moon that comes through my window
Bathed in blue,
the walls of my memory divide the thorns from the roses
It's you and the roses



Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go
I will find my way
when I see your eyes
Now I'm living
in your afterglow



Here I am,
lost in the ashes of time, but who wants tomorrow?
In between the longing to hold you again
I'm caught in your shadow,
I'm losing control
My mind drifts away, we only have today




Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go
I will find my way
I will sacrifice
'til the blinding day
when I see your eyes
Now I'm living in your afterglow




When the veils are gone
as I let you go,
as I let you go



Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go
I will find my way,
I will sacrifice
Now I'm living in your afterglow

Bathed in blue,
the walls of my memory divide
the thorns from the roses
It's you who is closest



-Afterglow :INXS

this is how "i" ended..

Don't let all seem to go..
Coz you dont know what you have..
Till its gone..

- Counting Crows


it is the space between "what you have" and "till it's gone" that follows us through the course of life..

the stench of hypocracy

x:i love my work..

y:but what do you get out of it?Repect?

x: No

Y: money

x:hardly, not what i deserve for sure

y:then why you in it?

x: coz.....i think of the kids...and what the experice with them gives me..i think of a dream...hyopothetical dream of moulding a new born orgnization to a matured one.

y: dont get emotionally attached..

x: i know...it hasnt got me anything..

z: Hey but what about the moral ethics. Y you are discouraging her. she has to have the patience you see..Be positive..look here and youll see greener pastures..

y: im asking her to wake up...she will sooner or later....ive knon her for long...she thinks from her heart.....and leaves her head back home...she wont give up till she breakes down...and i dont want her to break down...i want her to kep dreaming under a brighter sun..

x: i dont know what to do...

the smell of the cheese coated bacon in a scrumptious pasta!

i dont like to chase dreams..
i prefer to follow water bubbles instead..


i dont like to chase dreams..
i prefer to collect glow worms in my palm..


i dont like to chase dreams..
i prefer to stick my head out of a car's window on a green stretch..


i dont like to chase dreams..
i prefer to make them..


P.S : The title of the blog has nothing to do with the rest of the content. It just felt good to write it down(the title, i mean)

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the vertical rising

of my spirit..
my ego..
my space.
my wants..
my dreams..
of the intensity with which i try to see things as they 'should be'..
of the third string i missed to hear..
of the distance that lay ahead..
of the music in my head..
of logged tapes...and diplomatic views..
of my consciousness..
of thoughts..shoulds...woulds...cans...wonts....
of the pleasure of the last few winter chills..
of 180 degrees of memories..
of platinum rings and broken chains..
of the intoxicated spirit...
of super humans..
of super emotions...
of jumbo smiles..
and taste buds...
of today..

les distances i peuvent garder

sometimes i wish that i was the weather...
You'd bring me up in conversation forever...
And when it rained....
I'd be the talk of the day...

- John Mayer

quand vous êtes avec moi,
je suis libre,
je suis négligent..

two steps behind to move way further on...

nous avons pensé qu'elle était heureuse elle avait l'habitude de sourire je pense que nous avons oublié de la voir des yeux

where does a circle end?

you forgot to read what i did not write....

and maybe i have stopped seeing...

unless the two spaces meet..
there will always be blanks to be covered..


happiness...is the smell of "Rajnigandhas"

"i can't quit you baby, so i'm gona put you down for awhile...."

- Led Zeppelin

we are all, but humans...

Insecurity =

- i dont see who you are
- i dont see who you are to me / to others
- i can see, but i refuse to believe in what my heart says is right
- i have a heart and a head, but they dont function in co - ordination
- my intutuion fears a loss even before its taken place
- i see what others make me see
- i see but i like to believe that my eyes are shut
- i never trusted you
- i dont trust myself
- i dont "know" who i am, or what i seek
- im not sure if this is what i seek
- or i dont "want to" believe that i have what i have


therefore,

- i shall lose what i have
- i will try to know what i "seek" and if it "is" what i seek
- i shall see try to see through myself, before i start to err
- i shall move on and stop myself from looking back
- if i look back i shall try to justify it all to myself and my fellow friends

i am..
- what i speak

i am also...
- what i dont see of myself and others see in me..

My words and my actions denote what i am made of,
porus, hard, unbearable,naieve, vulnerable, insensitive, child like etc.

i have seen how people forget to value what they have..
proffession
materialistic belongings
loved ones

some tend to look back once they've lost it,
others justify it to themselves and ignore the digust they would face if they'd look back

our insecurities only tell us how others can make the same mistakes "we have" made in the past...

who needs to change then?


"can you see? can you read between the lines?"

or is it too late?

le nuit

moon is an ice mirror
and im startled by the sound of silence
three yellow leaves
on a winter night
playing abracadabra
while the heavens are fast asleep

Can you see?

why my teeth are showing more than ususal today?

o.k...

in the most non - poetic, non - bloggish way im putting this one across...


I GOT 10,000 bling - bling ka BONUS today!

and its still ringing in my ears

:-)

Je sui....

the atom of the raindrop that scarred your eyelid when you were trying to catch it...

the space between heaven and hell when you stretched your hands wide apart trying to make your first attempt to fly...

the tide that broke down against the sand while you tried to look through the sun..


the wrinkle under your eye when your near a complete cycle of life.......


the depth behind the three liners....




do you read between the lines?

Tsuki ni muragumo, hana ni arashi


"Clouds over the moon, a storm over blossoms"

winter mist ...
bare trees tremble
beyond my breath

just another friday

some questions i could never answer....

How much is too much?


some phrases that are never complete....


No one ever stops .......


some multi meaning sounds....

Hummmmmm


some recurring doubts...

Is this it?


some days at work....

?????????

the other days at work...

this "IS" it!


does a full stop denote the end or another beginning?

something in the newspaper that struck my attention yesterday....

if two people are stranded in the sea...on a small lifeboat...

they dont have to think they are lost....

they can think they are left alone...:-)


whatsay waterboy?

it gets tiring you know...
so much that i cant coordinate between what im saying, thinking and feeling...

winter mist ...
bare trees tremble
beyond my breath

the beginning of winter
moon and i
are hung over

seeking numbness...................................................

ive been sipping my regular cup of black tea, that Jaina - our peon or Executive Tea Maker, as they call it here in my office brings in the minute i rest my ass against my cushy chair...and ive been getting the following random thoughts

Gosh i loved the energy of dhol!
Mojito, mojito and lots more mojito
Drunk dreams and illusioned partners
Errors... mistakes...flaws.....shadows of swinging starangers..
forgiveness...and sins....
the grass on the other side...which was also mine...atleast for sometime..
old friends...and new pictures..
distance...and phone calls..
diet charts...maharaja macs...

phew!
i need another cup of this!

storming for days . . .
still, there's something about
the scent of rain

storming for days . . .
still, there's something about
the scent of rain

je suis votre silence
le bruit de votre douleur
le clignotement de votre rêve
je suis, votre mémoire
votre présent et je suis également
ce qui est de venir
je n'étais jamais à vous
j'appartiens à ma propres ombre et âme

bitter chocolate..
chocolate cakes..
click of time...
super x films..
asthma attack..
timbertrails..
peach aftertastes..
creamy meals...
shadows and shadows and shadows...
mountain cliffs..
bridge view...
tappan sopa - sapo sauce..
10 candles....
on the window...
10 million candles...
below it...
eyes to see..
see through...
woody fragrance..
green and gold....
enveloped around me while i dream..
mountain kiwis..
morning's frost..
clouds in my hands
i flew...n flew and flew...

few more days to go.....

its either going to be a "surprisingly" good week...

or it just wont match up to my energy level.....

nothings great...
im just getting old'er'

blossom time . . .
she doesn't speak of him
but I know that faraway look

after the rain
cherry blossoms
shed drops of sun

I feel green....

three kids....barely clad...
dancing in the rain...
clap clap..jump jump...
life at its best...


13 days to go before my mum sheds tears again...
she does it every year..remembering the time a 20 year old held an unbelievingly small mass in her hands for the first time..


Adi got a 96 on 100.......for the first time he said
"im the best".........it was good to see him happy....with himself....


Green is my favourite colour of the season....
i feel green...
im wearing green...
my room glows in a soft green...
and i have the most sutttle green and gold curtains that move like the wind...
swish...swish...

rains are good....
but not in deserts...
where they dont belong...

a cotton farmer in Vidarbh...
not a thread to cover ...
the wrinkled skin...

two little kittens..
grey eyes.....
in amazemet...
adorable..

and.......the countdown begins................................................................................................................................................................................................

Oye Miyak!

Don't aim at building a ship...

long for the endless immensity of the sea...

The ultimate pleasure for a Virgo would be to see her house turn green and Gold...and to buy the most soothing curtains sheets flowers shades and mirros in blistering heat for a freshly done up house....

Very typical of me...

Ann looked over from the deck and said, "making him smile makes up for the weeks of tears i've drowned".


another one ive come across...

Nick said, "i'd rather fight with you, than make love with someone else"



and another one...

She looked through the window and said to herself,"He always wants me to keep smiling... he just isn't ready to accept me as i am."


and another one...

"I just wanted to make you happy...you made my day"

Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly,
but the bumble bee doesn't know it so it goes on flying anyway

- Mary Kay Ash

Kambakht Ishq!

OVERZEALOUS "when i think about her, i want to kill her...but when i see her..there's nothing that seems more complete at that moment"

OBSCURE "I like him...but i really like his friend too....ironically it was his friend who made me feel secure.But i cant be with the second guy.....the first will be hurt....and the first...dosent have the time to be with me"

NONCHALANT "I love all of them.Each one of them makes me feel happy in their own way"

LANGUID "The light at the end of the tunnel...is you"

MEAN "Who said you are beautiful.....ive seen 100 girls who are better "

ONTOGENOUS "I would have remained the same.....you make me wana change"

REAL "not a couple.........we are a family"

UNREACTIVE "I know i did'nt have the time... but i would get whatever you would ever need in the world...clothes..money...horses...anything"

THWARTING "The problem is...he grew old..i did'nt"

NAIVE "I could never get a girlfriend....maybe i should get married now"

DOLTISH "So what if i mess around....it is only she i would wana marry"

these were a few phrases and sentences shared by people around me.....some that make you smile..others hurt...and yet others that leave a zillion question marks in ones head....

however each complete in its own sense.....
one love....so many ways to look at it...

Rain outside
Clouds in Black attire wrapping the heaven above
Trees like dancing tongue of flame to warm the heart
Morning suns and evening Dews..
i stand in the balcony
u r nowhere to be seen

Gluttony

I remember the time when i had just joined Tehelka and discovered a Mecca right next to my office - Costa Coffee..

I have a thing for Bread and cold meat......id anyday prefer it to the paranthas (not coz of the weight problem...that needs to dealt with)....but coz it suits my taste buds the most...

Believe me,this is not a publicity stunt and and i dont see the Costa guys giving me even a sandwitch for free coz of what im writing......but despite the menu prices that seem to be soaring....ive always enjoyed a snack or sometinmes a sandwitch 'meal'.

Today dinesh ji refused to have lunch, boss was away...and i had four hours before i'd get a chance to flee from the prison. I decided i have to get over the habit of 'not eating alone' and start to relish things 'all by myself'...

Its been ages i havent treated myself there.....been treated......today i stepped in to satisfy my taste buds all alone....
Im pretty stuck up when it comes to trying out new things......so i ordered the same ol stuff that ive been eating for months....

- Lemon chicken sandwitch
- Pesto Sandwitch
- Coffee Frescato

A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!

ME + COSTA = NIRVANA



Now im back on my seat......still sipping the frescato......thoughts thoughts thoughts from everywhere...

wana take Adi for shopping
get the orange bag for mum
dads phone..
kittens in my backlawn..
habit of biting nails...
let go...
neva let go...
not for exams..
not for parents..
not for work..
neva for flying..
flying....kites....
diluted coffee and ice mix...
last piece of chicken ive saved behind my teeth...
proper sleep...
just sleep...
sleep talking...
dying energy...
new hope...
good days...
bad holidays...
forgotten friends..
criticism..
rajma chawal..
nani's voice...
memories through a distinct fragrance..
weightloss..
lodhi garden..
breakfree..
freefalling....

I try to believe like i believed when I was five...
when your heart tells you everything you need to know...

the best thing about fights....
is to make up and realize how you just cant do without.......

the best thing about memories is not the people....
but the reoccuring visual flashes they create...

the best thing about songs is not the lyrics or tune,
but the fact that they are atached to the memories of some people....

scent of August
a meadow of
wildflowers

stuck in a sandclock

I was never a goobye person.......could never see my near n dear ones walk away .....even if it is just a matter of a few days....thats why i was never the best person to rely on to drop someone at the railway station or the airport....

i panic at the site of packed luggage....and sound of women who make announcements.........

maa's been travelling for years now......but i still need to muster a lot of strenght to drop her off to the station......Yesterday i had to do that........initially the last minute wait for the train to leave killed me...then seeing the train move off the platform did something to my stomach.....

the problem is a very temperory one........it lasts only for a few minutes....but ive somehow never grown used to it......

i still somehow prefer to stay back home pretending 'nobody's leaving...they just going out for a while'........

The distance between u and your loved one, while they are walking away....rubs through all the memories that were bulit over a lifetime.....


"Following the light of the sun, we left the Old World."

-Christopher Columbus

Enlightenment - a sublime word, means illumination of the spirit through truth, liberation from the shadows of error, or uncertainty, of doubt.

Enlightenment is, in its deepest meaning, the transfiguration of reason.

This is something i read just now...n i quite liked it:


If a turtle loses its shell..is it naked or homeless?


P.S: I hate the rain today..
but i like what its done to the trees..

First night with frost.
The celestial bodies shine
more clearly on everything.

my turquoise mind...

Its a good day....

I woke up at five today thinking i was somewhere else....

Yesterday i purchased the most expensive bag of my life.......then cribbed for the rest of the day over its cost...

Two days back i suceeded in bearing 2 girls with a loudspeaker in their throats...

Three days back...i realized how some people take a hell lot of a time to pick up a simple pair of jeans....

Four days back i took three minutes to go gaga over another pair of jeans...


Lots of expense...
pampering maa...
swiping cards...
stalking men...
rash cars...
true faces...
false notions...
hot guys....
hot 'tempered ' guys...
My sharona.....
karnalofonia...
happy days...
happy birthday...
black tea...
powerpoint presentations...
a thirsty kid on the road...
40 eyes....all ignore...
incomplete fates....
4 engagements.....
4 weddings...
no love....
friends who matter...
who mean...
who are "mean"..
those who wait....
who move on...
who look back...
who walk...
right next...
two kittens...
in dad's shoes...
the most facinating paws..
the most beautiful eyes...
concerned daddy...
stupid daddy...
dopey adi...
childish maa...

me.......alive n living

between
two mirrors---
eternity

summer music --
outgoing tide carrying
pebbles back to sea

Break free from the web of my thoughts..

The place that i am currently breathing in....is a place where Hierarchy and Power belong to those who are related by blood....not those who loose their blood and sweat, so that the ones they work for recieve their loaded paychecks.

Its the Aparthied of the powerful against the weak...
Slavery of the ameteurs...
Stratification of fellings under pressures and duties...

Ive been grilled and handed over all the tasks that initially i wasnt supposed to do....now i have to do em coz bosses cant see their employees sit at ease while they run for work..

Will i also be the same when i reach that stage?

wind blown snow
never quite covers
the branch's shadow

a taste of life

Looking through my living - room's window when it rains outside has lately become my second most favourite timepass........
Then sitting with Adi in the lawn when there's no electricity...while he plays the guitar is the third best.

The best......is when im "at home"

Ive been at the recieving end for so many years...........till very recently that i started relishing the sheer pleasure of 'giving'.

I like the rain.
drip drip..
fog on the glass window..
bathed leaves of the gulmohur tree..
tyres passing through sunk roads...
i like the rain...
flowing hair against the cool winds..
holding a warm cup of tea from the roadside..
the sound of the wiper...
maa humming 70's songs...
...................................................

lily,
on your petals this morning,
a serving of sun

Chand phir niklaaaaa

The Tehelka staff was doing just fine till our Editor - in - Chief decided to call his balled, 'tharki', old brother to Delhi.

I've had something against this bushy eyebrowed lunar eclipse, from the time i first saw him...or should i say - 'he' first lay his dirty eyes on me......

It was'nt long that i realized how this balled owl would sit next to me pretending he absolutely adored my fish, purely to have a good letching session.......then i gave my fish away.......n each time he'd come to me, he'd ask about the fish.......

"i think ive told you 1678 times they are not here!".i really wish i could say this to him............but i'd keep shut and say...they're gone....

Daybefore yesterday, i recieved a call on my extension...it was Mr. Taklu asking me to come to the conference room once i was free from work.....Dineshji smiled....n i looked at him and said -" if you hear someone being beaten up to pulp, just know its the Tharki"

So i walked inside the conference room...and this is how our conversation went:

Ujada Chaman: Come come sit sit...its soooo wonderful to see you again.

Me: Have you shifted your base to Delhi...sir...( fingers crossed)

Ujada Chaman : Yes darling, i'll be on your floor for good ( damn, DAMN, DAMN!)
So tell me about yourself, where are you from, how did you land up here?

Me: Sir..blahblahblahblahblah

Ujada Chaman: Gauri,( oogling at me), i must say, i am extreeeemly impressed by you. How old are you?

Me: 22

Ujada Chaman: 22 and this mature....whoa.....im very impressed...
Tell me about the projects you are handling here at The Foundation?

( My hair kept falling on my face and i have a habit of moving them back with my fingers constantly...its irritating you know)

Ujada chaman: Let it fall, let it be, it looks really nice like this....you have a nice delicate face, it looks really pretty like this.

Me: (shocked!..n i pretended i did'nt hear anything, and went on about the projects we are currently working on.)

Ujada Chaman: Have you ever thought of shifting to Maketing?...you'll be really good at it....

Me: Sir, i love what im doing, its my passion, not just my work, i would'nt leave it for nothing. I know this organisation is small, but we'll nurture it, it'll grow, it will.

Ujada Chaman: Aah! thats wonderful, im really impressed by you gauri. You are a smart girl.

( i started moving my hair back again)

Ujada Chaman: Let it fall na...it looks really good.

Me: (Dying to walk out immediately)

It all ended with Mr. Tejpal's call for his eclipsed brother.

Ujada Chaman: I love chatting with you, we are going to have these chatting sessions often now.


I came out n told my boss the whole story, she clearly told me to not bother about whose who in this office....it dosent matter he's the bosses brother..and next time i should just not entertain him at all.........

Its good you know, to have female heads in an organization........i feel extremely safe......something thats been an issue for a lot of my friends in other organizations.

Takle...tu to gaya!

something to look forward to

stormy night,
still one bright star,
for wishing.