the lost kite

don't fall..

i belong some place else

A "peace of my mind" - 30 seconds of patience

I do not care what car you drive, where you live..
If you know someone who knows someone who knows someone..
If your clothes are this years cutting edge..
If your trust fund is unlimited..
If you are A - list, B - list or never heard of before list..

I only care about the words that flutter from your mind..
They are the only thing you truly own..
The only thing i will remember you by..

I will not fall in love with your bones and skin..
I will not fall in love with the places you have been..
I will not fall in love with anything but the words that flutter from your extraordinary mind.

A "peace" of my mind - breathing space

rain..that cleans through the knots on my brains...
air...that fills the deep isolated pores of my spirit..

you never left..
you are on your way back..

will i manage to keep my mind sane after
my work
my Master's
my courses
my family
and a trillion thoughts that go zig - zag in my mind????

Space Dye Vest

Falling through pages of martens on angels
Feeling my heart pull west
I saw the future dressed as a stranger
Love in a space-dye vest
Love is an act of blood and Im bleeding
A pool in the shape of a heart
Beauty projection in the reflection
Always the worst way to start

But hes the sort who cant knowAnyone intimately,
least of all aWoman.
he doesnt know what a womanIs. he wants you for a possession,
Something to look at like a painting or an ivory box.
Something to own and to display. he doesnt want you to be real,
Or to think or to live. he doesnt love you, but I love you.
I want you to have your own thoughts and ideas and feelings, even whenI hold you in my arms. its our last chance... its our last chance...
Now that youre gone Im trying to take it
Learning to swallow the rage
Found a new girl I think we can make it
As long as she stays on the page
This is not how I want it to end
And Ill never be open again...

i was gonna move out...ummm...get,Get a job, get my own place, ummm,
But... I go into the mall where i
Want to work and they tell me, im,I was too young...
Some people, gave advice before,
About facing the facts, aboutFacing reality. and this is, this
Without a doubt, is his biggestChallenge ever.
hes going to have to face it.Youre gonna have to try, hes gonna to have to try and,Uh, and, and, and get some help here.
I mean no one canSay they know how he feels.
That, so they say that, in ya knowLike, houston or something, youdSay its a hundred and eighty degrees,
But its a dry heat. in houston they say that?
Oh, maybe not. Im all mixed up.Dry until they hit the swimming pool....i get up with the sun... listen.
You have your own room to sleep in,
I dont care what you do.
I dontCare when. that door gets locked,
That door gets locked at night by nine oclock.
If youre not in this house by nine oclock, then youd better find somePlace to sleep.
because youre not going to be a bum in this house.Supper is ready...

Theres no one to take my blameIf they wanted to
Theres nothing to keep me sane
And its all the same to you
Theres nowhere to set my aim
So Im everywhereNever come near me again
Do you really think I need you
Ill never be open again,
I could never be open again.
Ill never be open again,
I could never be open again.
And Ill smile and Ill learn to pretend
And Ill never be open again
And Ill have no more dreams to defend
And Ill never be open again

- "dREAM" - tHEATRE

A "peace" of my mind - the final seconds..

@ im getting out...

$ (laughs)...ok let me go and watch the match now..

@ i mean it....each time you laugh it off, it brings me closer to this decision..

$ ( laughs again) ok let me go, ill call you later..


(this was a conversation shared by two of my friends today...two individuals who're growing miles apart)



why do people stay in relationships that dont add any intent to their lives...
does their "love" blindfold the reality that stands 10 steps away from them..
after some time, it all relies on how you "WISH" things to be when you wake up after a fearful nightmare.
your head feels heavy coz you'r carrying this extra baggage for long.

In my nani's house ive seen monkeys carrying their baby's dead carcus till the time every piece if bone and flesh falls down from her body. She carries it where ever she goes, imagining the dead baby is still alive...

many of us are the same...we carry carcuses with us, because of the fear of acceptance that we've lost, or are losing something..

Can you see...

Disater Management: altering the strings of life..

There you stand, drowning in the rain..
Kidding yourself the wind don't sting..
And all this time the thing you want is calling to you..

And who's gonna mend you when you're broken..
And who's gonna find you when you're stolen..
And who will always love you..
I'll be around for a while

- Steve Vai

you left me...never left my conversations

days when things arent really fine...
pretend..
tell yourself how happy you are with the 'other' things in your life...
if it still dosent help..
call Dr. Love on Radio an help him make you realize what a fucked up loser you are..
if you still manage to justify yourself..
force yourself to love tracks that include the words: time and memories..
if your heart's still not melted..
drink till you see two glasses instead of one..
if there's still no hope, and you and people around you have given hope..
then ive just found the sibling i have been in search of for long long time...


the one word that still scares me to death:
Forever


can you see....meee?

yours......impishly

the lost 'peace' (es) of my mind

vague..vagur..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vbague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague.vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..vague..

This is the only word that's been running in my mind for 2 days now...
.....no i didn't think wiring it down over and over again woul get me a solution...

im just trying to wash it off my head...

yours vaguely..

A "peace" of my mind: the greed within

i want a rock...a house with a garden and flowers and wooden swing....or a penthouse with a view of the sun & heaven....i want to inhale and exhale like i've never tasted air before...i want to wake up to dream again...i want to chase shadows...to count the number of golden leaves that follow me when i try to run away from them...i want mee...i want to miss to keep wanting again...

i am what you forgot i was..
i am also what you missed in yourself..

yours graciously

it is i who decide where my heaven shines..
it is "mee" who lighten's up my sky...

i dont want to be the deciding factor between my heart and my brain...
they have a universe of their own...

yours patiently...

A "peace" of my mind: I & My Mee

Im coming back..
from where you never left..

A "peace" of my mind: the unspoken word

** why do you always have to go away?


## Because it gives me a reason to keep coming back to you..

:-)

"Peace/s" of my mind - nothing to keep

spending your day...not like the other days you've spent in the past one year is.......??? im trying to find one word for that...

i spent yesterday in doing things that "i havent done in ages"...and those that "people dont expect me to do"...

i.e...doing things i havent done in ages.....sat alone in my lawn and heard Ledzep songs...

things not expected of me......watched the entire match...one over after another....

im leaving..

i hate this phrase!

no..but i am...i going away to Mukteshwar.....not only because it is my job to go (i could have refused to go), nor am i dying for a holiday...but i just can't stay here anymore...

i always run away.....always

nothing to keep me here...

A "peace" of my mind: in search of a high tide

i've messed up so many times in my life... that it dosen't come as a surprise if i make another blunder...

but then i have my intoxicated moments of child - like conversations with street kids in wee hours of night at the NFC market..

each one of them goes to school....knows how the English alphabet begins with an A and ends with Z....but it takes them a minute to realize that Guddu starts, not with a J, but the alphabet G..they told me how none of them actually pays attention to the white woman who spares 3 hours everyday in a government run school, trying to grab their attention to the educated world....none of them pays attention....ofcourse..

Roopa handed over tea..one cup after the other, diverting their attention from her short denim skirt, while Prateek tried to make conversations in a language that was drunk and alien to all of us..

i was in search of my being.....yet again...

and not that i've found it....i am on a passage of rediscovering myself everyday..

like anyone else, i have spent years in absolutely hating kids...i want to spend most of the part left in my life, in learning from them....

yours childishly
gauri

A "peace" of my mind - ten reasons why i shouldnt be dumped...

No. 1: It's already happened in the past
No. 2 - 10: 'galt baat hai'

(miya you'd understand)

A "peace" of my mind - the third stroke

I want to meet people who consider themselves as Optimists
and breathe the same air as i do..

A "peace" of my mind - the second crumb

sometimes it is good to live in an illusion..
even if waking up is not such a good experience..

how the same alphabets could change the course of your life..

i "tried"



i'm "tired"

A "peace" of my mind..the first encounter with reality...

Starting today, im going to add a "peace" of my mind (hopefully on a regular basis)....




'Distance does not make hearts grow apart,
it is the journey travelled together in the past
that matters'

A "peace" of my mind: the greed within

i want a rock...a house with a garden and flowers and wooden swing....or a penthouse with a view of the sun & heaven....i want to inhale and exhale like i've never tasted air before...i want to wake up to dream again...i want to chase shadows...to count the number of golden leaves that follow me when i try to run away from them...i want mee...i want to miss to keep wanting again...

i am what you forgot i was..
i am also what you missed in yourself..

yours graciously

you are the last piece of paper left with 'me'

Shadows of love,
that run away from,
the darkness they cant touch,
feathers that weigh down,
caught alive,
in your crown of thorns,
that safe strain of a life always hurts,
quiet cries when my eyes never care,
what my heart promises you,
if my dreams know you,
your wheathered love never begged for a life.

Are you painfully safe?
Are you rightfully loved?

From this cage,
will you fly away?

It always started with the eyes,
beginning of a visual gala,
if my senses that you've completely bowled over..

Eyes...lovingly imprisoned in the alter truth of your beauty..

yours...unwittingly

this is how i begin....

"somedays i wana quit..
somedays i feel like shit..
just feel normal for a bit.."

ive been listening to this song everyday...
while driving, during breaks from work, i humm it...
but each time i hear it i understand it in a completely different context from the previous one..

someone once told me..
i cant seek my share of happiness in others..
a common mistake all of us make..
as long as i 'depend' on someone to come and change that very moment thats f***ing you up, by adding a little dash of themselves to it...

"So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',"


ive ended..enough..
recetly ive had an urge "to begin"..

honestly, for a week now, if not more iv seen myself evolve / change (however you want to put it)


i dont want to drink
turned myself into a vegetarian
i've had enough of explaining, and talking and justifying..
especially with the number of walls that im surrounded with..
now i like the silence around me..
i chose to not justify anymore..

ive never understood what Vivekananda said, what Aurobindo preached, i just remember conversations, not people involved in them...just the conversation..


"I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find that you have something to say,"


i chose not to be trapeed between the good, bad and the ugly..

i choose to be(with) myself..

No one told me about her..

its strange
so many clouds in my head
and i get my dose of rain with the temporary moments in a day..
nothing that'l last..
moments come and go (im not saying people, they are a part of those moments)..
and leave traces of miniscule atom like memories..
that we try to hold on and drag along with us...
till another day dawns..

Sometimes its damn irritating to open your machine and find Mr. Horoscope turn into Mr. Horrorscope....

this is what was in store for me today -

It's important to keep your financial budget in balance. However, have you ever thought about your emotional resources in the same way? You can't keep spending so much on certain areas that aren't fruitful.



great...rub it in!

"Everyone carries a room about inside them. This fact can even be proved by means of the sense of hearing. If someone walks fast and one pricks up one's ears and listens, say at night, when everything round about is quiet, one hears, for instance, the rattling of a mirror not quite firmly fastened to the wall."

(Franz Kafka, The Blue Notebooks)

Lost, yesterday,
somewhere between sunrise and sunset,
two golden hours,
each set with sixty diamond minutes.
No reward is offered for they are gone forever.

- Horace Mann

if i were rain for the day...

getting out of a place
i dont call home
home that you gave up on
once upon a time
things started to seem better
for that blink of time

rain in my mind
cuts through as my newborn hair
swish swish around my neck whispering
words i dont want to understand..

is the wheather changing
or have you
made it seem like it was never windy before

2 songs
360 degree of life
everythings changing
again...


but me....

for people who've changed...and those who are changing..

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.

She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

You know the place where you used to live,
Used to barbecue up burgers and ribs,
Used to have a little party every Halloween with candy by the pile,
But now, you only stop by every once and a while,
Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time,
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find that you have something to say,
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For why you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it...

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...


- Fort Minor

Dont read this one..hear it..

Here I am,
lost in the light of the moon that comes through my window
Bathed in blue,
the walls of my memory divide the thorns from the roses
It's you and the roses



Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go
I will find my way
when I see your eyes
Now I'm living
in your afterglow



Here I am,
lost in the ashes of time, but who wants tomorrow?
In between the longing to hold you again
I'm caught in your shadow,
I'm losing control
My mind drifts away, we only have today




Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go
I will find my way
I will sacrifice
'til the blinding day
when I see your eyes
Now I'm living in your afterglow




When the veils are gone
as I let you go,
as I let you go



Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go
I will find my way,
I will sacrifice
Now I'm living in your afterglow

Bathed in blue,
the walls of my memory divide
the thorns from the roses
It's you who is closest



-Afterglow :INXS

this is how "i" ended..

Don't let all seem to go..
Coz you dont know what you have..
Till its gone..

- Counting Crows


it is the space between "what you have" and "till it's gone" that follows us through the course of life..

the stench of hypocracy

x:i love my work..

y:but what do you get out of it?Repect?

x: No

Y: money

x:hardly, not what i deserve for sure

y:then why you in it?

x: coz.....i think of the kids...and what the experice with them gives me..i think of a dream...hyopothetical dream of moulding a new born orgnization to a matured one.

y: dont get emotionally attached..

x: i know...it hasnt got me anything..

z: Hey but what about the moral ethics. Y you are discouraging her. she has to have the patience you see..Be positive..look here and youll see greener pastures..

y: im asking her to wake up...she will sooner or later....ive knon her for long...she thinks from her heart.....and leaves her head back home...she wont give up till she breakes down...and i dont want her to break down...i want her to kep dreaming under a brighter sun..

x: i dont know what to do...

the smell of the cheese coated bacon in a scrumptious pasta!

i dont like to chase dreams..
i prefer to follow water bubbles instead..


i dont like to chase dreams..
i prefer to collect glow worms in my palm..


i dont like to chase dreams..
i prefer to stick my head out of a car's window on a green stretch..


i dont like to chase dreams..
i prefer to make them..


P.S : The title of the blog has nothing to do with the rest of the content. It just felt good to write it down(the title, i mean)

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the vertical rising

of my spirit..
my ego..
my space.
my wants..
my dreams..
of the intensity with which i try to see things as they 'should be'..
of the third string i missed to hear..
of the distance that lay ahead..
of the music in my head..
of logged tapes...and diplomatic views..
of my consciousness..
of thoughts..shoulds...woulds...cans...wonts....
of the pleasure of the last few winter chills..
of 180 degrees of memories..
of platinum rings and broken chains..
of the intoxicated spirit...
of super humans..
of super emotions...
of jumbo smiles..
and taste buds...
of today..

les distances i peuvent garder

sometimes i wish that i was the weather...
You'd bring me up in conversation forever...
And when it rained....
I'd be the talk of the day...

- John Mayer

quand vous êtes avec moi,
je suis libre,
je suis négligent..

two steps behind to move way further on...

nous avons pensé qu'elle était heureuse elle avait l'habitude de sourire je pense que nous avons oublié de la voir des yeux

where does a circle end?

you forgot to read what i did not write....

and maybe i have stopped seeing...

unless the two spaces meet..
there will always be blanks to be covered..


happiness...is the smell of "Rajnigandhas"

"i can't quit you baby, so i'm gona put you down for awhile...."

- Led Zeppelin

we are all, but humans...

Insecurity =

- i dont see who you are
- i dont see who you are to me / to others
- i can see, but i refuse to believe in what my heart says is right
- i have a heart and a head, but they dont function in co - ordination
- my intutuion fears a loss even before its taken place
- i see what others make me see
- i see but i like to believe that my eyes are shut
- i never trusted you
- i dont trust myself
- i dont "know" who i am, or what i seek
- im not sure if this is what i seek
- or i dont "want to" believe that i have what i have


therefore,

- i shall lose what i have
- i will try to know what i "seek" and if it "is" what i seek
- i shall see try to see through myself, before i start to err
- i shall move on and stop myself from looking back
- if i look back i shall try to justify it all to myself and my fellow friends

i am..
- what i speak

i am also...
- what i dont see of myself and others see in me..

My words and my actions denote what i am made of,
porus, hard, unbearable,naieve, vulnerable, insensitive, child like etc.

i have seen how people forget to value what they have..
proffession
materialistic belongings
loved ones

some tend to look back once they've lost it,
others justify it to themselves and ignore the digust they would face if they'd look back

our insecurities only tell us how others can make the same mistakes "we have" made in the past...

who needs to change then?


"can you see? can you read between the lines?"

or is it too late?

le nuit

moon is an ice mirror
and im startled by the sound of silence
three yellow leaves
on a winter night
playing abracadabra
while the heavens are fast asleep

Can you see?

why my teeth are showing more than ususal today?

o.k...

in the most non - poetic, non - bloggish way im putting this one across...


I GOT 10,000 bling - bling ka BONUS today!

and its still ringing in my ears

:-)

Je sui....

the atom of the raindrop that scarred your eyelid when you were trying to catch it...

the space between heaven and hell when you stretched your hands wide apart trying to make your first attempt to fly...

the tide that broke down against the sand while you tried to look through the sun..


the wrinkle under your eye when your near a complete cycle of life.......


the depth behind the three liners....




do you read between the lines?

Tsuki ni muragumo, hana ni arashi


"Clouds over the moon, a storm over blossoms"

winter mist ...
bare trees tremble
beyond my breath

just another friday

some questions i could never answer....

How much is too much?


some phrases that are never complete....


No one ever stops .......


some multi meaning sounds....

Hummmmmm


some recurring doubts...

Is this it?


some days at work....

?????????

the other days at work...

this "IS" it!


does a full stop denote the end or another beginning?

something in the newspaper that struck my attention yesterday....

if two people are stranded in the sea...on a small lifeboat...

they dont have to think they are lost....

they can think they are left alone...:-)


whatsay waterboy?

it gets tiring you know...
so much that i cant coordinate between what im saying, thinking and feeling...

winter mist ...
bare trees tremble
beyond my breath

the beginning of winter
moon and i
are hung over

seeking numbness...................................................

ive been sipping my regular cup of black tea, that Jaina - our peon or Executive Tea Maker, as they call it here in my office brings in the minute i rest my ass against my cushy chair...and ive been getting the following random thoughts

Gosh i loved the energy of dhol!
Mojito, mojito and lots more mojito
Drunk dreams and illusioned partners
Errors... mistakes...flaws.....shadows of swinging starangers..
forgiveness...and sins....
the grass on the other side...which was also mine...atleast for sometime..
old friends...and new pictures..
distance...and phone calls..
diet charts...maharaja macs...

phew!
i need another cup of this!

storming for days . . .
still, there's something about
the scent of rain

storming for days . . .
still, there's something about
the scent of rain

je suis votre silence
le bruit de votre douleur
le clignotement de votre rêve
je suis, votre mémoire
votre présent et je suis également
ce qui est de venir
je n'étais jamais à vous
j'appartiens à ma propres ombre et âme

bitter chocolate..
chocolate cakes..
click of time...
super x films..
asthma attack..
timbertrails..
peach aftertastes..
creamy meals...
shadows and shadows and shadows...
mountain cliffs..
bridge view...
tappan sopa - sapo sauce..
10 candles....
on the window...
10 million candles...
below it...
eyes to see..
see through...
woody fragrance..
green and gold....
enveloped around me while i dream..
mountain kiwis..
morning's frost..
clouds in my hands
i flew...n flew and flew...

few more days to go.....

its either going to be a "surprisingly" good week...

or it just wont match up to my energy level.....

nothings great...
im just getting old'er'

blossom time . . .
she doesn't speak of him
but I know that faraway look

after the rain
cherry blossoms
shed drops of sun

I feel green....

three kids....barely clad...
dancing in the rain...
clap clap..jump jump...
life at its best...


13 days to go before my mum sheds tears again...
she does it every year..remembering the time a 20 year old held an unbelievingly small mass in her hands for the first time..


Adi got a 96 on 100.......for the first time he said
"im the best".........it was good to see him happy....with himself....


Green is my favourite colour of the season....
i feel green...
im wearing green...
my room glows in a soft green...
and i have the most sutttle green and gold curtains that move like the wind...
swish...swish...

rains are good....
but not in deserts...
where they dont belong...

a cotton farmer in Vidarbh...
not a thread to cover ...
the wrinkled skin...

two little kittens..
grey eyes.....
in amazemet...
adorable..

and.......the countdown begins................................................................................................................................................................................................

Oye Miyak!

Don't aim at building a ship...

long for the endless immensity of the sea...

The ultimate pleasure for a Virgo would be to see her house turn green and Gold...and to buy the most soothing curtains sheets flowers shades and mirros in blistering heat for a freshly done up house....

Very typical of me...

Ann looked over from the deck and said, "making him smile makes up for the weeks of tears i've drowned".


another one ive come across...

Nick said, "i'd rather fight with you, than make love with someone else"



and another one...

She looked through the window and said to herself,"He always wants me to keep smiling... he just isn't ready to accept me as i am."


and another one...

"I just wanted to make you happy...you made my day"

Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly,
but the bumble bee doesn't know it so it goes on flying anyway

- Mary Kay Ash

Kambakht Ishq!

OVERZEALOUS "when i think about her, i want to kill her...but when i see her..there's nothing that seems more complete at that moment"

OBSCURE "I like him...but i really like his friend too....ironically it was his friend who made me feel secure.But i cant be with the second guy.....the first will be hurt....and the first...dosent have the time to be with me"

NONCHALANT "I love all of them.Each one of them makes me feel happy in their own way"

LANGUID "The light at the end of the tunnel...is you"

MEAN "Who said you are beautiful.....ive seen 100 girls who are better "

ONTOGENOUS "I would have remained the same.....you make me wana change"

REAL "not a couple.........we are a family"

UNREACTIVE "I know i did'nt have the time... but i would get whatever you would ever need in the world...clothes..money...horses...anything"

THWARTING "The problem is...he grew old..i did'nt"

NAIVE "I could never get a girlfriend....maybe i should get married now"

DOLTISH "So what if i mess around....it is only she i would wana marry"

these were a few phrases and sentences shared by people around me.....some that make you smile..others hurt...and yet others that leave a zillion question marks in ones head....

however each complete in its own sense.....
one love....so many ways to look at it...

Rain outside
Clouds in Black attire wrapping the heaven above
Trees like dancing tongue of flame to warm the heart
Morning suns and evening Dews..
i stand in the balcony
u r nowhere to be seen

Gluttony

I remember the time when i had just joined Tehelka and discovered a Mecca right next to my office - Costa Coffee..

I have a thing for Bread and cold meat......id anyday prefer it to the paranthas (not coz of the weight problem...that needs to dealt with)....but coz it suits my taste buds the most...

Believe me,this is not a publicity stunt and and i dont see the Costa guys giving me even a sandwitch for free coz of what im writing......but despite the menu prices that seem to be soaring....ive always enjoyed a snack or sometinmes a sandwitch 'meal'.

Today dinesh ji refused to have lunch, boss was away...and i had four hours before i'd get a chance to flee from the prison. I decided i have to get over the habit of 'not eating alone' and start to relish things 'all by myself'...

Its been ages i havent treated myself there.....been treated......today i stepped in to satisfy my taste buds all alone....
Im pretty stuck up when it comes to trying out new things......so i ordered the same ol stuff that ive been eating for months....

- Lemon chicken sandwitch
- Pesto Sandwitch
- Coffee Frescato

A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!

ME + COSTA = NIRVANA



Now im back on my seat......still sipping the frescato......thoughts thoughts thoughts from everywhere...

wana take Adi for shopping
get the orange bag for mum
dads phone..
kittens in my backlawn..
habit of biting nails...
let go...
neva let go...
not for exams..
not for parents..
not for work..
neva for flying..
flying....kites....
diluted coffee and ice mix...
last piece of chicken ive saved behind my teeth...
proper sleep...
just sleep...
sleep talking...
dying energy...
new hope...
good days...
bad holidays...
forgotten friends..
criticism..
rajma chawal..
nani's voice...
memories through a distinct fragrance..
weightloss..
lodhi garden..
breakfree..
freefalling....

I try to believe like i believed when I was five...
when your heart tells you everything you need to know...

the best thing about fights....
is to make up and realize how you just cant do without.......

the best thing about memories is not the people....
but the reoccuring visual flashes they create...

the best thing about songs is not the lyrics or tune,
but the fact that they are atached to the memories of some people....

scent of August
a meadow of
wildflowers

stuck in a sandclock

I was never a goobye person.......could never see my near n dear ones walk away .....even if it is just a matter of a few days....thats why i was never the best person to rely on to drop someone at the railway station or the airport....

i panic at the site of packed luggage....and sound of women who make announcements.........

maa's been travelling for years now......but i still need to muster a lot of strenght to drop her off to the station......Yesterday i had to do that........initially the last minute wait for the train to leave killed me...then seeing the train move off the platform did something to my stomach.....

the problem is a very temperory one........it lasts only for a few minutes....but ive somehow never grown used to it......

i still somehow prefer to stay back home pretending 'nobody's leaving...they just going out for a while'........

The distance between u and your loved one, while they are walking away....rubs through all the memories that were bulit over a lifetime.....


"Following the light of the sun, we left the Old World."

-Christopher Columbus

Enlightenment - a sublime word, means illumination of the spirit through truth, liberation from the shadows of error, or uncertainty, of doubt.

Enlightenment is, in its deepest meaning, the transfiguration of reason.

This is something i read just now...n i quite liked it:


If a turtle loses its shell..is it naked or homeless?


P.S: I hate the rain today..
but i like what its done to the trees..

First night with frost.
The celestial bodies shine
more clearly on everything.

my turquoise mind...

Its a good day....

I woke up at five today thinking i was somewhere else....

Yesterday i purchased the most expensive bag of my life.......then cribbed for the rest of the day over its cost...

Two days back i suceeded in bearing 2 girls with a loudspeaker in their throats...

Three days back...i realized how some people take a hell lot of a time to pick up a simple pair of jeans....

Four days back i took three minutes to go gaga over another pair of jeans...


Lots of expense...
pampering maa...
swiping cards...
stalking men...
rash cars...
true faces...
false notions...
hot guys....
hot 'tempered ' guys...
My sharona.....
karnalofonia...
happy days...
happy birthday...
black tea...
powerpoint presentations...
a thirsty kid on the road...
40 eyes....all ignore...
incomplete fates....
4 engagements.....
4 weddings...
no love....
friends who matter...
who mean...
who are "mean"..
those who wait....
who move on...
who look back...
who walk...
right next...
two kittens...
in dad's shoes...
the most facinating paws..
the most beautiful eyes...
concerned daddy...
stupid daddy...
dopey adi...
childish maa...

me.......alive n living

between
two mirrors---
eternity

summer music --
outgoing tide carrying
pebbles back to sea

Break free from the web of my thoughts..

The place that i am currently breathing in....is a place where Hierarchy and Power belong to those who are related by blood....not those who loose their blood and sweat, so that the ones they work for recieve their loaded paychecks.

Its the Aparthied of the powerful against the weak...
Slavery of the ameteurs...
Stratification of fellings under pressures and duties...

Ive been grilled and handed over all the tasks that initially i wasnt supposed to do....now i have to do em coz bosses cant see their employees sit at ease while they run for work..

Will i also be the same when i reach that stage?

wind blown snow
never quite covers
the branch's shadow

a taste of life

Looking through my living - room's window when it rains outside has lately become my second most favourite timepass........
Then sitting with Adi in the lawn when there's no electricity...while he plays the guitar is the third best.

The best......is when im "at home"

Ive been at the recieving end for so many years...........till very recently that i started relishing the sheer pleasure of 'giving'.

I like the rain.
drip drip..
fog on the glass window..
bathed leaves of the gulmohur tree..
tyres passing through sunk roads...
i like the rain...
flowing hair against the cool winds..
holding a warm cup of tea from the roadside..
the sound of the wiper...
maa humming 70's songs...
...................................................

lily,
on your petals this morning,
a serving of sun

Chand phir niklaaaaa

The Tehelka staff was doing just fine till our Editor - in - Chief decided to call his balled, 'tharki', old brother to Delhi.

I've had something against this bushy eyebrowed lunar eclipse, from the time i first saw him...or should i say - 'he' first lay his dirty eyes on me......

It was'nt long that i realized how this balled owl would sit next to me pretending he absolutely adored my fish, purely to have a good letching session.......then i gave my fish away.......n each time he'd come to me, he'd ask about the fish.......

"i think ive told you 1678 times they are not here!".i really wish i could say this to him............but i'd keep shut and say...they're gone....

Daybefore yesterday, i recieved a call on my extension...it was Mr. Taklu asking me to come to the conference room once i was free from work.....Dineshji smiled....n i looked at him and said -" if you hear someone being beaten up to pulp, just know its the Tharki"

So i walked inside the conference room...and this is how our conversation went:

Ujada Chaman: Come come sit sit...its soooo wonderful to see you again.

Me: Have you shifted your base to Delhi...sir...( fingers crossed)

Ujada Chaman : Yes darling, i'll be on your floor for good ( damn, DAMN, DAMN!)
So tell me about yourself, where are you from, how did you land up here?

Me: Sir..blahblahblahblahblah

Ujada Chaman: Gauri,( oogling at me), i must say, i am extreeeemly impressed by you. How old are you?

Me: 22

Ujada Chaman: 22 and this mature....whoa.....im very impressed...
Tell me about the projects you are handling here at The Foundation?

( My hair kept falling on my face and i have a habit of moving them back with my fingers constantly...its irritating you know)

Ujada chaman: Let it fall, let it be, it looks really nice like this....you have a nice delicate face, it looks really pretty like this.

Me: (shocked!..n i pretended i did'nt hear anything, and went on about the projects we are currently working on.)

Ujada Chaman: Have you ever thought of shifting to Maketing?...you'll be really good at it....

Me: Sir, i love what im doing, its my passion, not just my work, i would'nt leave it for nothing. I know this organisation is small, but we'll nurture it, it'll grow, it will.

Ujada Chaman: Aah! thats wonderful, im really impressed by you gauri. You are a smart girl.

( i started moving my hair back again)

Ujada Chaman: Let it fall na...it looks really good.

Me: (Dying to walk out immediately)

It all ended with Mr. Tejpal's call for his eclipsed brother.

Ujada Chaman: I love chatting with you, we are going to have these chatting sessions often now.


I came out n told my boss the whole story, she clearly told me to not bother about whose who in this office....it dosent matter he's the bosses brother..and next time i should just not entertain him at all.........

Its good you know, to have female heads in an organization........i feel extremely safe......something thats been an issue for a lot of my friends in other organizations.

Takle...tu to gaya!

something to look forward to

stormy night,
still one bright star,
for wishing.

No If...No But....Only Jatt

Mind It....Its Jatts im taking about...not Jats....Its a group within the sikh comunity who for some reason believe they've been blessed with more brains as compared to their turbaned counterparts....

I've known a Jat friend earlier....and for the past few months ive been blessed to know a Jatt......Four months of observation...and ive found out how both Jatts and Jats are pretty much the same.....

These were a few Jatt traits ive observed:

- They are by far one of the most fierce breed of Indians. I highly recommend them to stop eating red meat.
- They love to talk...
- They love to drink...
- They love to talk about themselves once they are drunk....
- They have an amazing capacity to eat...
- The first impression they'll try to give when they are normal is that they are looking for someone to bash up...
- The first impression they'l give once they are drunk is that they've just bashed someone up...
- So its pretty much clear...they look for excuses to fight once boose goes down their throat..
- But nomatter how macho..or manly they look...they are extremely sensitive...
- Yes, they know how to say the right things at the right time...atleast at times....
- And they will break down if they are upset..

Miyaki...did you know you were like a coconut?

It was wierd this morning you know....on one side of my room lay Ayela....motionless.....her body had turned hard as wood...she did'nt respond to my call.......she was never going to respond...never going to get up...ever again........

On the other side of my room there were two little kittens still awaiting to open their eyes to the world.....

Life ended in one corner...and started in the other.....

i just sat there.....not knowing what to do......mourn....or rejoice over life....

phew!

Its funny when you see the entire office running around from one corner to another a million times, pretending they have a lot of work on their limp shoulders and empty heads....n the fact that u alone are sitting idle.......its wierd....20 people on my floor....all running around....n i have no choice but to sit n write blogs...

By the way...Today it was fun watching pigeons flying in circles around an old building.....i wonder why they do that????????????????

Im really hungry...but i refuse to go out n eat alone...
really tired....but dont have the balls to walk out..
really pissed...but dont have the authority to kill someone..
really impatient...but cant budge - in my bosse's cabin...

Gosh! Am i or aM I a BIG Pessimist


but to talk about something nice...im really looking forward seeing the two little kittens the minute i reach home....one is white and the other one is golden in colour........the most adorable..tiny little things.......who keep sleeping on each other the whole damn day...........

Première neige cette nuit.
Mais la trace de tes petits pas est absente.
Ce temps-là est loin!

Mogambo khush nahi hua

Im really bored at work........n ill kill anyone whose trying to be a second officer or going to bombay on the 5th of this month.........but since both of them are out of reach.i think ill kill myself instead....

this is my second suicide letter to the world...........

- Adi please take care of the two little kittens sleeping in the wooden almirah.......n yes that thing on your shoe ......was kitten's pooh....


- Dad......its a pity the world thinks you n mum look like brother - sister....but actually....you do look quite similar...


- My desi version of Garfield.....everything moving in the house and lawn...is not meant to be eaten........you are adorable....but it wouldnt take me a second to throw you out of the house if i see you next to the kittens.


- Kakuli...i dont know if you follow my blogs anymore ( as if my cat does)...but i will never forgive your other half for taking you away to the land of smelly fish and eggs....NEVER!


- For all those whove been teasing me calling me fat and count everything i eat.............f*** off! I'll pray each one of you bloats up one day.


- Ayela...you are by far the sweetest...cutest..most expensive little regret my mum has ever paid such a big amount for...stop running around stray dogs!



- Maa.....thanks for spending half of your lifetime building a mansion in Jammu.....i thoroughly enjoyed the experience of cooking 3 meals a day for two stuck up men for the past 5 months.....in fact..im planning to leave what im doing here and take it up like a full time profession - feeding cranky dads, stuck up brothers, stupid dogs and witty cats.



- Swamyji...i really like you for saying such nice things about me and my horoscope.....trust me...im none of that.


- Prateek..bro....Grow up!.....there is much more to life than the female species.


- Nishu.......i know the value of people i love....trust me.....thats why i am myself when im with all of you - cranky and irritating.

My last wish will be for Prateek to burn some songs for me that i really wana hear.....
they are not meant for punjabi yo - yo fans, not for head bangers, for those into blues or jazz and neither is it for people who have a real taste in music.....it is for people like me........who just want to hear em coz they are simply good...not lasting...but good...

here are a few:
- Scandalous - mis -teeq
- My shrona - knack
- Gasolina
- Flower - moby

By the way........Dirt by phish is quite good........i hear it quite a number of times......

Do you see?

Fairytales don't tell children that dragons exist....
They tell children that dragons can be killed.......

For all of us who've forgotten how to thank God

Next time you crib over something lame n stupid..read this....These are Just a fraction of the hardcore facts about our fellow population.

-HIV/AIDS, the plague of the modern world, has killed over 20 million men, women and children and the number of people infected has surged to over 40 million.

-At the end of 2001, more than 13 million children under the age of 15 in Africa, Asia, and Latin America had lost a parent to AIDS. More than 11 million of these children live in Africa. "Double orphans"—those who have lost both parents—are on the rise. The number of double orphans who have lost at least one parent to AIDS is expected to increase from 3.8 million in 2001 to 6.9 million in 2010.

-EVERY MONTH more people die of AIDS (240,000), and malaria (165,000) than in tsunami.

-One billion people still live below the extreme poverty line of one dollar per day, and 20,000 die from poverty each day.

-The average person in Cambodia, India, Nepal and Vietnam survives on less than US$1 a day

-More than 100 million school-age children in the developing world are not enrolled in primary school.

-Over half the children in these countries never have the opportunity to attend secondary school.

-The National Sample Survey(India), 2000 data shows that 9.8 million children (5 – 14 years) are involved in economic activities and another 6.6 million in domestic and non – remunerable work.

- Nearly 46 million out-of-school children are not in the workplace either. They are in a state of enforced “idleness”, performing some ‘marginal, irregular activities’.

-Many rural students have to walk as far as 3 hours each way to go to school
Of the 850 million illiterate people in the developing world, nearly two-thirds are women.

- India, along with Thailand and the Philippines, has 1.3 million children in its sex-trade centers. The children come from relatively poorer areas and are trafficked to relatively richer ones.

-Around the world, 1 in 3 women have been beaten, coerced into sex,other otherwise abused in their lifetime.

-By the end of 2005. 20.8 million people had been uprooted across the globe.8.4 million of them were refugees.

- 25 million people are internally displaced in addition to global refugee population of 11 - 12 million, most of them have been victims of war, crimes and crimes against humanity.

-Over 50,000 people are dying of hunger everyday across the world.

-Somalia continues to be one of the most food insecure countries in the world.Global acute malnutrition rates are as much as 20% in some areas.

-56 million people suffer from some form of disability and 10 million are visually impaired in America alone.

-An estimated 121 million people world-wide currently suffer from depressionThe World Health Organization calls stress, "A global epidemic."

The roses under my window make no reference to former roses or better ones;
they are what they are; they exist with God today.
There is no time to them.
There is simply the rose;
it is perfect in every moment of its existence."

Nightmare in a smoky nightlife

I have clubbed enough but its only lately that i have realized how these clubs arent favourites amongst people who dont drink alcohol. On satuday some of us went to celebrate Roopa's journey towards aging years to Elevate. Its been my favourite for some time now...till the time i realized long gone are the days when i had the strength to stay awake till 6:30 in the morning.......calypso took the cake..simply for the reason that you tend to burn less fuel......and the owners will throw you out by 2:30..........not bad...i could comfortably go and sleep before my dad wakes up.....Mostly after clubbing at Elevate i've encountered dad at the gate when he's going for his morning walk...........

Daybefore was one of the wierdest nights spent in Elevate...for the first time i did not drink.....nowhere close to what i would...Roopa was Drunk...eating...throwing up....eating again...dancing....Prateek was like a pendulum...coulnt stand straight....n our surdi friend enjoyed gasolina on his punjabi moves....i stood in one corner staring at the drunk crowd and wondering how i must have embarrased the hell out of my past 10 generations......

But i have to admit..the music was the best they had played so far...but the fact that i was completely conscious woulnt let it all sink in well..........The conclusion.....Bang!.........Gauri Cranky Syndrome took over...and i landed up in a fight with all three of them...really...a Bad fight.....enough to assure each one of them to not want to see my face ever again..........

Im the happiest when im with the few i love n care for....be it conscious or unconscious, cranky or crazy,funny or sarcastic................

Oh btw............i have some good projects lined up that im all excited about......n a paychek i am worrying about...........

sab sahi hai!

There is a rule in sailing where the more maneuverable ship should give way to the less maneuverable craft. I think this is sometimes a good rule to follow in human relationships as well.

Long time i thought i put one down today....


A lovely thing to see:
through the paper window's hole,
the Galaxy

glowing days of summer

im back im back im back
im here
finally here where i think i belong
finally not cribbing over what i was forced to memorize
forced to reproduce
finally i was relieved yesterday
what did i do?

ate.....slept.....studied....ate.....ate...ate...and....blah blahs..
fought...
my cat with a fat pregnant stomach...Again!
soon get to see the kittens...

noticed the 3 tyres on my stomach...
n the ones in my car when i drive it...
n the wrinkles on my fingers...
lines on my palm....
shape of my nails...
green veins that run through my feet...

saw it all while trying to memorize rual develpopment planning and strategies..
got to know myself a little more...

how i just can do without some.....
cant be with some...
cant get over my dad's laziness..
n my mums memories..
cant do without shouting at Adi...
n being made fun of when i say -"gar jana hai"...or "kana ka lo"...stupid kashmiri accents..
pretty feet...
white nail enamel...
shawarmas....south cafe biryanis
cant do without.....my blog...
my music...ayela next to my bed...
wierdest comments....lasting statements...
melting snow in summer...
days in the life of an A3O....
drunk nights....stupid mistakes..
uncontrollable anger...
lovable fights...
googoopanti......isye miyaki...
mango shakes.......green almonds...
dineshji's black humor
my paycheck......new clothes....
soft hair....
missing gauri..........few regrets....

its good....its all good

The Rural Tsunami......

why is it that each time around your exams suddenly t.v shows the best programs....vh1 plays the best songs......and the closest cinema halls screen the films u had planned to watch the last time u saw crappy films like Darna zaroori hai......

I ve been trying to juggle my mind between mahila rozgaar yojana and the new song by holly brook called where'd you go.....i recommend...both the video and the song.....i keep humming the song while trying to memorize programmes of the rural credit system....planning process....poverty in rural society....the process and theories of development....blah blah blah!.....

daddy thinks i spend more time on the phone than in front of my books...dads right...n ive just lost it...

there was a time i wanted to do my PHD n crap...now im trying to somehow drag myself through my masters....

dayafter is dooms day.....n here my boss is about to teach me a meditative technique to keep me sane throughout the week.....

please pray...chant...meditate....sing...do jagrans....black magic anything just anything....to make me go through all this...

thanks...

the neverending story

The heart itself is only a small vessel,
yet dragons are there, and lions,
there are poisonous beasts,
and all the treasures of evil,
there are rough and uneven roads,
there are precipes;
but there too is God and the angels,
life is there, and the Kingdom,
there too is light, and there the apostles
and heavenly cities,
and treasures of grace.
All things lie within that little space...

the most awaited break

The fact that Delhi is a crap place hits you when you arrive back to the city from a good trip.....n i got this shock 2 days back when i Finally managed to have a break from my routined life here n go to my Nani's place in Jammu...

For all the people like roopa who initially thought its a place in the mountains with snow n lakes...let me clear it first...its a city with a big traffic problem....electricity and water problems....overcrowding population and the tawi i.e, the river that flows through the city is almost dry..

But nonetheless i love the place...for the warmth that i recieve each time i go there...Roopa was extremely excited to be spending time ALL ALONE with me for 4 days.....gauri all her's without any distraction..

oh a joke id like to share on this...the day i had to leave our friend Kartik tried to act funny n asked my dog: Ayela, Gauri kiski girlfriend hai...a) Roopa ki, b) ek ladke ki....he thinks we r in a relationship......n there are a few of his friends who think alike.......

anyway..im positively straight...

The best part of my trip were:
- jumping in the river with nothing but mountains surrounding us..the sky was cloudy...n both of us were MAD.

-Eating the spiciest of street food ever...but mouth watering( before u eat it)...n ur eyes water( after u eat it)

- Had kashmiri food..gushtaba,roganjosh,rishta.kebab....yumyumyum......

-went over our capacity of boozing....the two of us finished a full bottle of vodka for the first time in our lives...then fought...roopa went senti...i fought more...then sat on a mountain cliff at night with the city below us...
(guys dont think we r alcoholics.....but we have our tims of completely losing it)

- Went up to the mountains...it rained on the way.....4 hours of drive uphill loved it!

- n the best for me was to see mum n naani after ages.....leaving them behind was the worst thing ever..

but twas good...simple but good....