"i can't quit you baby, so i'm gona put you down for awhile...."

- Led Zeppelin

we are all, but humans...

Insecurity =

- i dont see who you are
- i dont see who you are to me / to others
- i can see, but i refuse to believe in what my heart says is right
- i have a heart and a head, but they dont function in co - ordination
- my intutuion fears a loss even before its taken place
- i see what others make me see
- i see but i like to believe that my eyes are shut
- i never trusted you
- i dont trust myself
- i dont "know" who i am, or what i seek
- im not sure if this is what i seek
- or i dont "want to" believe that i have what i have


therefore,

- i shall lose what i have
- i will try to know what i "seek" and if it "is" what i seek
- i shall see try to see through myself, before i start to err
- i shall move on and stop myself from looking back
- if i look back i shall try to justify it all to myself and my fellow friends

i am..
- what i speak

i am also...
- what i dont see of myself and others see in me..

My words and my actions denote what i am made of,
porus, hard, unbearable,naieve, vulnerable, insensitive, child like etc.

i have seen how people forget to value what they have..
proffession
materialistic belongings
loved ones

some tend to look back once they've lost it,
others justify it to themselves and ignore the digust they would face if they'd look back

our insecurities only tell us how others can make the same mistakes "we have" made in the past...

who needs to change then?


"can you see? can you read between the lines?"

or is it too late?

le nuit

moon is an ice mirror
and im startled by the sound of silence
three yellow leaves
on a winter night
playing abracadabra
while the heavens are fast asleep

Can you see?

why my teeth are showing more than ususal today?

o.k...

in the most non - poetic, non - bloggish way im putting this one across...


I GOT 10,000 bling - bling ka BONUS today!

and its still ringing in my ears

:-)

Je sui....

the atom of the raindrop that scarred your eyelid when you were trying to catch it...

the space between heaven and hell when you stretched your hands wide apart trying to make your first attempt to fly...

the tide that broke down against the sand while you tried to look through the sun..


the wrinkle under your eye when your near a complete cycle of life.......


the depth behind the three liners....




do you read between the lines?

Tsuki ni muragumo, hana ni arashi


"Clouds over the moon, a storm over blossoms"

winter mist ...
bare trees tremble
beyond my breath

just another friday

some questions i could never answer....

How much is too much?


some phrases that are never complete....


No one ever stops .......


some multi meaning sounds....

Hummmmmm


some recurring doubts...

Is this it?


some days at work....

?????????

the other days at work...

this "IS" it!


does a full stop denote the end or another beginning?

something in the newspaper that struck my attention yesterday....

if two people are stranded in the sea...on a small lifeboat...

they dont have to think they are lost....

they can think they are left alone...:-)


whatsay waterboy?

it gets tiring you know...
so much that i cant coordinate between what im saying, thinking and feeling...

winter mist ...
bare trees tremble
beyond my breath

the beginning of winter
moon and i
are hung over

seeking numbness...................................................

ive been sipping my regular cup of black tea, that Jaina - our peon or Executive Tea Maker, as they call it here in my office brings in the minute i rest my ass against my cushy chair...and ive been getting the following random thoughts

Gosh i loved the energy of dhol!
Mojito, mojito and lots more mojito
Drunk dreams and illusioned partners
Errors... mistakes...flaws.....shadows of swinging starangers..
forgiveness...and sins....
the grass on the other side...which was also mine...atleast for sometime..
old friends...and new pictures..
distance...and phone calls..
diet charts...maharaja macs...

phew!
i need another cup of this!

storming for days . . .
still, there's something about
the scent of rain

storming for days . . .
still, there's something about
the scent of rain

je suis votre silence
le bruit de votre douleur
le clignotement de votre rêve
je suis, votre mémoire
votre présent et je suis également
ce qui est de venir
je n'étais jamais à vous
j'appartiens à ma propres ombre et âme

bitter chocolate..
chocolate cakes..
click of time...
super x films..
asthma attack..
timbertrails..
peach aftertastes..
creamy meals...
shadows and shadows and shadows...
mountain cliffs..
bridge view...
tappan sopa - sapo sauce..
10 candles....
on the window...
10 million candles...
below it...
eyes to see..
see through...
woody fragrance..
green and gold....
enveloped around me while i dream..
mountain kiwis..
morning's frost..
clouds in my hands
i flew...n flew and flew...

few more days to go.....

its either going to be a "surprisingly" good week...

or it just wont match up to my energy level.....

nothings great...
im just getting old'er'

blossom time . . .
she doesn't speak of him
but I know that faraway look

after the rain
cherry blossoms
shed drops of sun

I feel green....

three kids....barely clad...
dancing in the rain...
clap clap..jump jump...
life at its best...


13 days to go before my mum sheds tears again...
she does it every year..remembering the time a 20 year old held an unbelievingly small mass in her hands for the first time..


Adi got a 96 on 100.......for the first time he said
"im the best".........it was good to see him happy....with himself....


Green is my favourite colour of the season....
i feel green...
im wearing green...
my room glows in a soft green...
and i have the most sutttle green and gold curtains that move like the wind...
swish...swish...

rains are good....
but not in deserts...
where they dont belong...

a cotton farmer in Vidarbh...
not a thread to cover ...
the wrinkled skin...

two little kittens..
grey eyes.....
in amazemet...
adorable..

and.......the countdown begins................................................................................................................................................................................................

Oye Miyak!

Don't aim at building a ship...

long for the endless immensity of the sea...

The ultimate pleasure for a Virgo would be to see her house turn green and Gold...and to buy the most soothing curtains sheets flowers shades and mirros in blistering heat for a freshly done up house....

Very typical of me...

Ann looked over from the deck and said, "making him smile makes up for the weeks of tears i've drowned".


another one ive come across...

Nick said, "i'd rather fight with you, than make love with someone else"



and another one...

She looked through the window and said to herself,"He always wants me to keep smiling... he just isn't ready to accept me as i am."


and another one...

"I just wanted to make you happy...you made my day"

Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn't be able to fly,
but the bumble bee doesn't know it so it goes on flying anyway

- Mary Kay Ash

Kambakht Ishq!

OVERZEALOUS "when i think about her, i want to kill her...but when i see her..there's nothing that seems more complete at that moment"

OBSCURE "I like him...but i really like his friend too....ironically it was his friend who made me feel secure.But i cant be with the second guy.....the first will be hurt....and the first...dosent have the time to be with me"

NONCHALANT "I love all of them.Each one of them makes me feel happy in their own way"

LANGUID "The light at the end of the tunnel...is you"

MEAN "Who said you are beautiful.....ive seen 100 girls who are better "

ONTOGENOUS "I would have remained the same.....you make me wana change"

REAL "not a couple.........we are a family"

UNREACTIVE "I know i did'nt have the time... but i would get whatever you would ever need in the world...clothes..money...horses...anything"

THWARTING "The problem is...he grew old..i did'nt"

NAIVE "I could never get a girlfriend....maybe i should get married now"

DOLTISH "So what if i mess around....it is only she i would wana marry"

these were a few phrases and sentences shared by people around me.....some that make you smile..others hurt...and yet others that leave a zillion question marks in ones head....

however each complete in its own sense.....
one love....so many ways to look at it...

Rain outside
Clouds in Black attire wrapping the heaven above
Trees like dancing tongue of flame to warm the heart
Morning suns and evening Dews..
i stand in the balcony
u r nowhere to be seen

Gluttony

I remember the time when i had just joined Tehelka and discovered a Mecca right next to my office - Costa Coffee..

I have a thing for Bread and cold meat......id anyday prefer it to the paranthas (not coz of the weight problem...that needs to dealt with)....but coz it suits my taste buds the most...

Believe me,this is not a publicity stunt and and i dont see the Costa guys giving me even a sandwitch for free coz of what im writing......but despite the menu prices that seem to be soaring....ive always enjoyed a snack or sometinmes a sandwitch 'meal'.

Today dinesh ji refused to have lunch, boss was away...and i had four hours before i'd get a chance to flee from the prison. I decided i have to get over the habit of 'not eating alone' and start to relish things 'all by myself'...

Its been ages i havent treated myself there.....been treated......today i stepped in to satisfy my taste buds all alone....
Im pretty stuck up when it comes to trying out new things......so i ordered the same ol stuff that ive been eating for months....

- Lemon chicken sandwitch
- Pesto Sandwitch
- Coffee Frescato

A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!

ME + COSTA = NIRVANA



Now im back on my seat......still sipping the frescato......thoughts thoughts thoughts from everywhere...

wana take Adi for shopping
get the orange bag for mum
dads phone..
kittens in my backlawn..
habit of biting nails...
let go...
neva let go...
not for exams..
not for parents..
not for work..
neva for flying..
flying....kites....
diluted coffee and ice mix...
last piece of chicken ive saved behind my teeth...
proper sleep...
just sleep...
sleep talking...
dying energy...
new hope...
good days...
bad holidays...
forgotten friends..
criticism..
rajma chawal..
nani's voice...
memories through a distinct fragrance..
weightloss..
lodhi garden..
breakfree..
freefalling....

I try to believe like i believed when I was five...
when your heart tells you everything you need to know...

the best thing about fights....
is to make up and realize how you just cant do without.......

the best thing about memories is not the people....
but the reoccuring visual flashes they create...

the best thing about songs is not the lyrics or tune,
but the fact that they are atached to the memories of some people....

scent of August
a meadow of
wildflowers

stuck in a sandclock

I was never a goobye person.......could never see my near n dear ones walk away .....even if it is just a matter of a few days....thats why i was never the best person to rely on to drop someone at the railway station or the airport....

i panic at the site of packed luggage....and sound of women who make announcements.........

maa's been travelling for years now......but i still need to muster a lot of strenght to drop her off to the station......Yesterday i had to do that........initially the last minute wait for the train to leave killed me...then seeing the train move off the platform did something to my stomach.....

the problem is a very temperory one........it lasts only for a few minutes....but ive somehow never grown used to it......

i still somehow prefer to stay back home pretending 'nobody's leaving...they just going out for a while'........

The distance between u and your loved one, while they are walking away....rubs through all the memories that were bulit over a lifetime.....


"Following the light of the sun, we left the Old World."

-Christopher Columbus

Enlightenment - a sublime word, means illumination of the spirit through truth, liberation from the shadows of error, or uncertainty, of doubt.

Enlightenment is, in its deepest meaning, the transfiguration of reason.

This is something i read just now...n i quite liked it:


If a turtle loses its shell..is it naked or homeless?


P.S: I hate the rain today..
but i like what its done to the trees..

First night with frost.
The celestial bodies shine
more clearly on everything.

my turquoise mind...

Its a good day....

I woke up at five today thinking i was somewhere else....

Yesterday i purchased the most expensive bag of my life.......then cribbed for the rest of the day over its cost...

Two days back i suceeded in bearing 2 girls with a loudspeaker in their throats...

Three days back...i realized how some people take a hell lot of a time to pick up a simple pair of jeans....

Four days back i took three minutes to go gaga over another pair of jeans...


Lots of expense...
pampering maa...
swiping cards...
stalking men...
rash cars...
true faces...
false notions...
hot guys....
hot 'tempered ' guys...
My sharona.....
karnalofonia...
happy days...
happy birthday...
black tea...
powerpoint presentations...
a thirsty kid on the road...
40 eyes....all ignore...
incomplete fates....
4 engagements.....
4 weddings...
no love....
friends who matter...
who mean...
who are "mean"..
those who wait....
who move on...
who look back...
who walk...
right next...
two kittens...
in dad's shoes...
the most facinating paws..
the most beautiful eyes...
concerned daddy...
stupid daddy...
dopey adi...
childish maa...

me.......alive n living

between
two mirrors---
eternity

summer music --
outgoing tide carrying
pebbles back to sea

Break free from the web of my thoughts..

The place that i am currently breathing in....is a place where Hierarchy and Power belong to those who are related by blood....not those who loose their blood and sweat, so that the ones they work for recieve their loaded paychecks.

Its the Aparthied of the powerful against the weak...
Slavery of the ameteurs...
Stratification of fellings under pressures and duties...

Ive been grilled and handed over all the tasks that initially i wasnt supposed to do....now i have to do em coz bosses cant see their employees sit at ease while they run for work..

Will i also be the same when i reach that stage?

wind blown snow
never quite covers
the branch's shadow

a taste of life

Looking through my living - room's window when it rains outside has lately become my second most favourite timepass........
Then sitting with Adi in the lawn when there's no electricity...while he plays the guitar is the third best.

The best......is when im "at home"

Ive been at the recieving end for so many years...........till very recently that i started relishing the sheer pleasure of 'giving'.

I like the rain.
drip drip..
fog on the glass window..
bathed leaves of the gulmohur tree..
tyres passing through sunk roads...
i like the rain...
flowing hair against the cool winds..
holding a warm cup of tea from the roadside..
the sound of the wiper...
maa humming 70's songs...
...................................................

lily,
on your petals this morning,
a serving of sun

Chand phir niklaaaaa

The Tehelka staff was doing just fine till our Editor - in - Chief decided to call his balled, 'tharki', old brother to Delhi.

I've had something against this bushy eyebrowed lunar eclipse, from the time i first saw him...or should i say - 'he' first lay his dirty eyes on me......

It was'nt long that i realized how this balled owl would sit next to me pretending he absolutely adored my fish, purely to have a good letching session.......then i gave my fish away.......n each time he'd come to me, he'd ask about the fish.......

"i think ive told you 1678 times they are not here!".i really wish i could say this to him............but i'd keep shut and say...they're gone....

Daybefore yesterday, i recieved a call on my extension...it was Mr. Taklu asking me to come to the conference room once i was free from work.....Dineshji smiled....n i looked at him and said -" if you hear someone being beaten up to pulp, just know its the Tharki"

So i walked inside the conference room...and this is how our conversation went:

Ujada Chaman: Come come sit sit...its soooo wonderful to see you again.

Me: Have you shifted your base to Delhi...sir...( fingers crossed)

Ujada Chaman : Yes darling, i'll be on your floor for good ( damn, DAMN, DAMN!)
So tell me about yourself, where are you from, how did you land up here?

Me: Sir..blahblahblahblahblah

Ujada Chaman: Gauri,( oogling at me), i must say, i am extreeeemly impressed by you. How old are you?

Me: 22

Ujada Chaman: 22 and this mature....whoa.....im very impressed...
Tell me about the projects you are handling here at The Foundation?

( My hair kept falling on my face and i have a habit of moving them back with my fingers constantly...its irritating you know)

Ujada chaman: Let it fall, let it be, it looks really nice like this....you have a nice delicate face, it looks really pretty like this.

Me: (shocked!..n i pretended i did'nt hear anything, and went on about the projects we are currently working on.)

Ujada Chaman: Have you ever thought of shifting to Maketing?...you'll be really good at it....

Me: Sir, i love what im doing, its my passion, not just my work, i would'nt leave it for nothing. I know this organisation is small, but we'll nurture it, it'll grow, it will.

Ujada Chaman: Aah! thats wonderful, im really impressed by you gauri. You are a smart girl.

( i started moving my hair back again)

Ujada Chaman: Let it fall na...it looks really good.

Me: (Dying to walk out immediately)

It all ended with Mr. Tejpal's call for his eclipsed brother.

Ujada Chaman: I love chatting with you, we are going to have these chatting sessions often now.


I came out n told my boss the whole story, she clearly told me to not bother about whose who in this office....it dosent matter he's the bosses brother..and next time i should just not entertain him at all.........

Its good you know, to have female heads in an organization........i feel extremely safe......something thats been an issue for a lot of my friends in other organizations.

Takle...tu to gaya!

something to look forward to

stormy night,
still one bright star,
for wishing.

No If...No But....Only Jatt

Mind It....Its Jatts im taking about...not Jats....Its a group within the sikh comunity who for some reason believe they've been blessed with more brains as compared to their turbaned counterparts....

I've known a Jat friend earlier....and for the past few months ive been blessed to know a Jatt......Four months of observation...and ive found out how both Jatts and Jats are pretty much the same.....

These were a few Jatt traits ive observed:

- They are by far one of the most fierce breed of Indians. I highly recommend them to stop eating red meat.
- They love to talk...
- They love to drink...
- They love to talk about themselves once they are drunk....
- They have an amazing capacity to eat...
- The first impression they'll try to give when they are normal is that they are looking for someone to bash up...
- The first impression they'l give once they are drunk is that they've just bashed someone up...
- So its pretty much clear...they look for excuses to fight once boose goes down their throat..
- But nomatter how macho..or manly they look...they are extremely sensitive...
- Yes, they know how to say the right things at the right time...atleast at times....
- And they will break down if they are upset..

Miyaki...did you know you were like a coconut?

It was wierd this morning you know....on one side of my room lay Ayela....motionless.....her body had turned hard as wood...she did'nt respond to my call.......she was never going to respond...never going to get up...ever again........

On the other side of my room there were two little kittens still awaiting to open their eyes to the world.....

Life ended in one corner...and started in the other.....

i just sat there.....not knowing what to do......mourn....or rejoice over life....

phew!

Its funny when you see the entire office running around from one corner to another a million times, pretending they have a lot of work on their limp shoulders and empty heads....n the fact that u alone are sitting idle.......its wierd....20 people on my floor....all running around....n i have no choice but to sit n write blogs...

By the way...Today it was fun watching pigeons flying in circles around an old building.....i wonder why they do that????????????????

Im really hungry...but i refuse to go out n eat alone...
really tired....but dont have the balls to walk out..
really pissed...but dont have the authority to kill someone..
really impatient...but cant budge - in my bosse's cabin...

Gosh! Am i or aM I a BIG Pessimist


but to talk about something nice...im really looking forward seeing the two little kittens the minute i reach home....one is white and the other one is golden in colour........the most adorable..tiny little things.......who keep sleeping on each other the whole damn day...........

Première neige cette nuit.
Mais la trace de tes petits pas est absente.
Ce temps-là est loin!

Mogambo khush nahi hua

Im really bored at work........n ill kill anyone whose trying to be a second officer or going to bombay on the 5th of this month.........but since both of them are out of reach.i think ill kill myself instead....

this is my second suicide letter to the world...........

- Adi please take care of the two little kittens sleeping in the wooden almirah.......n yes that thing on your shoe ......was kitten's pooh....


- Dad......its a pity the world thinks you n mum look like brother - sister....but actually....you do look quite similar...


- My desi version of Garfield.....everything moving in the house and lawn...is not meant to be eaten........you are adorable....but it wouldnt take me a second to throw you out of the house if i see you next to the kittens.


- Kakuli...i dont know if you follow my blogs anymore ( as if my cat does)...but i will never forgive your other half for taking you away to the land of smelly fish and eggs....NEVER!


- For all those whove been teasing me calling me fat and count everything i eat.............f*** off! I'll pray each one of you bloats up one day.


- Ayela...you are by far the sweetest...cutest..most expensive little regret my mum has ever paid such a big amount for...stop running around stray dogs!



- Maa.....thanks for spending half of your lifetime building a mansion in Jammu.....i thoroughly enjoyed the experience of cooking 3 meals a day for two stuck up men for the past 5 months.....in fact..im planning to leave what im doing here and take it up like a full time profession - feeding cranky dads, stuck up brothers, stupid dogs and witty cats.



- Swamyji...i really like you for saying such nice things about me and my horoscope.....trust me...im none of that.


- Prateek..bro....Grow up!.....there is much more to life than the female species.


- Nishu.......i know the value of people i love....trust me.....thats why i am myself when im with all of you - cranky and irritating.

My last wish will be for Prateek to burn some songs for me that i really wana hear.....
they are not meant for punjabi yo - yo fans, not for head bangers, for those into blues or jazz and neither is it for people who have a real taste in music.....it is for people like me........who just want to hear em coz they are simply good...not lasting...but good...

here are a few:
- Scandalous - mis -teeq
- My shrona - knack
- Gasolina
- Flower - moby

By the way........Dirt by phish is quite good........i hear it quite a number of times......

Do you see?

Fairytales don't tell children that dragons exist....
They tell children that dragons can be killed.......

For all of us who've forgotten how to thank God

Next time you crib over something lame n stupid..read this....These are Just a fraction of the hardcore facts about our fellow population.

-HIV/AIDS, the plague of the modern world, has killed over 20 million men, women and children and the number of people infected has surged to over 40 million.

-At the end of 2001, more than 13 million children under the age of 15 in Africa, Asia, and Latin America had lost a parent to AIDS. More than 11 million of these children live in Africa. "Double orphans"—those who have lost both parents—are on the rise. The number of double orphans who have lost at least one parent to AIDS is expected to increase from 3.8 million in 2001 to 6.9 million in 2010.

-EVERY MONTH more people die of AIDS (240,000), and malaria (165,000) than in tsunami.

-One billion people still live below the extreme poverty line of one dollar per day, and 20,000 die from poverty each day.

-The average person in Cambodia, India, Nepal and Vietnam survives on less than US$1 a day

-More than 100 million school-age children in the developing world are not enrolled in primary school.

-Over half the children in these countries never have the opportunity to attend secondary school.

-The National Sample Survey(India), 2000 data shows that 9.8 million children (5 – 14 years) are involved in economic activities and another 6.6 million in domestic and non – remunerable work.

- Nearly 46 million out-of-school children are not in the workplace either. They are in a state of enforced “idleness”, performing some ‘marginal, irregular activities’.

-Many rural students have to walk as far as 3 hours each way to go to school
Of the 850 million illiterate people in the developing world, nearly two-thirds are women.

- India, along with Thailand and the Philippines, has 1.3 million children in its sex-trade centers. The children come from relatively poorer areas and are trafficked to relatively richer ones.

-Around the world, 1 in 3 women have been beaten, coerced into sex,other otherwise abused in their lifetime.

-By the end of 2005. 20.8 million people had been uprooted across the globe.8.4 million of them were refugees.

- 25 million people are internally displaced in addition to global refugee population of 11 - 12 million, most of them have been victims of war, crimes and crimes against humanity.

-Over 50,000 people are dying of hunger everyday across the world.

-Somalia continues to be one of the most food insecure countries in the world.Global acute malnutrition rates are as much as 20% in some areas.

-56 million people suffer from some form of disability and 10 million are visually impaired in America alone.

-An estimated 121 million people world-wide currently suffer from depressionThe World Health Organization calls stress, "A global epidemic."

The roses under my window make no reference to former roses or better ones;
they are what they are; they exist with God today.
There is no time to them.
There is simply the rose;
it is perfect in every moment of its existence."

Nightmare in a smoky nightlife

I have clubbed enough but its only lately that i have realized how these clubs arent favourites amongst people who dont drink alcohol. On satuday some of us went to celebrate Roopa's journey towards aging years to Elevate. Its been my favourite for some time now...till the time i realized long gone are the days when i had the strength to stay awake till 6:30 in the morning.......calypso took the cake..simply for the reason that you tend to burn less fuel......and the owners will throw you out by 2:30..........not bad...i could comfortably go and sleep before my dad wakes up.....Mostly after clubbing at Elevate i've encountered dad at the gate when he's going for his morning walk...........

Daybefore was one of the wierdest nights spent in Elevate...for the first time i did not drink.....nowhere close to what i would...Roopa was Drunk...eating...throwing up....eating again...dancing....Prateek was like a pendulum...coulnt stand straight....n our surdi friend enjoyed gasolina on his punjabi moves....i stood in one corner staring at the drunk crowd and wondering how i must have embarrased the hell out of my past 10 generations......

But i have to admit..the music was the best they had played so far...but the fact that i was completely conscious woulnt let it all sink in well..........The conclusion.....Bang!.........Gauri Cranky Syndrome took over...and i landed up in a fight with all three of them...really...a Bad fight.....enough to assure each one of them to not want to see my face ever again..........

Im the happiest when im with the few i love n care for....be it conscious or unconscious, cranky or crazy,funny or sarcastic................

Oh btw............i have some good projects lined up that im all excited about......n a paychek i am worrying about...........

sab sahi hai!

There is a rule in sailing where the more maneuverable ship should give way to the less maneuverable craft. I think this is sometimes a good rule to follow in human relationships as well.

Long time i thought i put one down today....


A lovely thing to see:
through the paper window's hole,
the Galaxy

glowing days of summer

im back im back im back
im here
finally here where i think i belong
finally not cribbing over what i was forced to memorize
forced to reproduce
finally i was relieved yesterday
what did i do?

ate.....slept.....studied....ate.....ate...ate...and....blah blahs..
fought...
my cat with a fat pregnant stomach...Again!
soon get to see the kittens...

noticed the 3 tyres on my stomach...
n the ones in my car when i drive it...
n the wrinkles on my fingers...
lines on my palm....
shape of my nails...
green veins that run through my feet...

saw it all while trying to memorize rual develpopment planning and strategies..
got to know myself a little more...

how i just can do without some.....
cant be with some...
cant get over my dad's laziness..
n my mums memories..
cant do without shouting at Adi...
n being made fun of when i say -"gar jana hai"...or "kana ka lo"...stupid kashmiri accents..
pretty feet...
white nail enamel...
shawarmas....south cafe biryanis
cant do without.....my blog...
my music...ayela next to my bed...
wierdest comments....lasting statements...
melting snow in summer...
days in the life of an A3O....
drunk nights....stupid mistakes..
uncontrollable anger...
lovable fights...
googoopanti......isye miyaki...
mango shakes.......green almonds...
dineshji's black humor
my paycheck......new clothes....
soft hair....
missing gauri..........few regrets....

its good....its all good

The Rural Tsunami......

why is it that each time around your exams suddenly t.v shows the best programs....vh1 plays the best songs......and the closest cinema halls screen the films u had planned to watch the last time u saw crappy films like Darna zaroori hai......

I ve been trying to juggle my mind between mahila rozgaar yojana and the new song by holly brook called where'd you go.....i recommend...both the video and the song.....i keep humming the song while trying to memorize programmes of the rural credit system....planning process....poverty in rural society....the process and theories of development....blah blah blah!.....

daddy thinks i spend more time on the phone than in front of my books...dads right...n ive just lost it...

there was a time i wanted to do my PHD n crap...now im trying to somehow drag myself through my masters....

dayafter is dooms day.....n here my boss is about to teach me a meditative technique to keep me sane throughout the week.....

please pray...chant...meditate....sing...do jagrans....black magic anything just anything....to make me go through all this...

thanks...

the neverending story

The heart itself is only a small vessel,
yet dragons are there, and lions,
there are poisonous beasts,
and all the treasures of evil,
there are rough and uneven roads,
there are precipes;
but there too is God and the angels,
life is there, and the Kingdom,
there too is light, and there the apostles
and heavenly cities,
and treasures of grace.
All things lie within that little space...

the most awaited break

The fact that Delhi is a crap place hits you when you arrive back to the city from a good trip.....n i got this shock 2 days back when i Finally managed to have a break from my routined life here n go to my Nani's place in Jammu...

For all the people like roopa who initially thought its a place in the mountains with snow n lakes...let me clear it first...its a city with a big traffic problem....electricity and water problems....overcrowding population and the tawi i.e, the river that flows through the city is almost dry..

But nonetheless i love the place...for the warmth that i recieve each time i go there...Roopa was extremely excited to be spending time ALL ALONE with me for 4 days.....gauri all her's without any distraction..

oh a joke id like to share on this...the day i had to leave our friend Kartik tried to act funny n asked my dog: Ayela, Gauri kiski girlfriend hai...a) Roopa ki, b) ek ladke ki....he thinks we r in a relationship......n there are a few of his friends who think alike.......

anyway..im positively straight...

The best part of my trip were:
- jumping in the river with nothing but mountains surrounding us..the sky was cloudy...n both of us were MAD.

-Eating the spiciest of street food ever...but mouth watering( before u eat it)...n ur eyes water( after u eat it)

- Had kashmiri food..gushtaba,roganjosh,rishta.kebab....yumyumyum......

-went over our capacity of boozing....the two of us finished a full bottle of vodka for the first time in our lives...then fought...roopa went senti...i fought more...then sat on a mountain cliff at night with the city below us...
(guys dont think we r alcoholics.....but we have our tims of completely losing it)

- Went up to the mountains...it rained on the way.....4 hours of drive uphill loved it!

- n the best for me was to see mum n naani after ages.....leaving them behind was the worst thing ever..

but twas good...simple but good....

bye bye love

The best part of what i do is how once in a while when im completely sick of the life around me...u know the preassures at work....home.....a degree( i should manage to get one if a miracle drops over my head )....days when my passion is taken over by the 40 degree heat outside when they make me run around area like vikaspuri,janakpuri and the other puris around Delhi......but then when i sit back in my room...tellin dad about the workshops i conducted that very day...n how a few of my 3500 kids made me realize how it was all well worth it....

My kids... from the private schools...Kv's....n some of my favourite kids from Ngo institutions.......give me a reason to smile even when im all sweaty n frustrated...

A few days back i recieved letters from two students that i wanted to share with everyone.

The first one is from a class 12th student of KV Vikaspuri named Sapna. When i went to her school months back...she was by far the only one who stood apart amongst 200 odd students. Sapna has Cerebral palsy.This is what she had to say:

"Cerebral Palsy – The dictionary describes it as “a paralysis due to brain damage before or at birth.” But these few words of formal English can not describe the plight of those innocent faces whose dreams and desires are destroyed by their innocence.

A paralytic body due to the brain is more or less like a chariot whose charioteers injured badly. When the words like ‘handicapped’, ‘disabled’, ’abnormal’ ring in ones ears, even the poor eyes refuse to shed tears on their ruined destiny. The bitterness of the society kills their confidence completely. For them, life is gloomy with darkness and solitude.

But I believe, a small spark is enough to turn into fire and here their SOLITUDE is the spark by which they enlighten their lives. With their stupendous confidence and incredible courage, they rise like a phoenix from its ashes. The charioteer was injured not dead. Leaving all the criticisms and grievances they strive for a new and colorful morning in their life.

So it is high time in making their ‘end’ a ‘new beginning’. A time to be a part of their ultimate glory, a time to listen to their heart’s voice.

‘We don’t want your pity, we want your understanding.’"



The second one ill share in some days....couldnt find it on my comp....shit!


Oh n by the way...i going out of station...FINALLY......with roopa...who for some reason thinks itll be snowing in Jammu....i told her there'l be no electricity...no water.....and the sun burning at 35 degrees.......she's still game for it...

im game for the street food...
n the 30 Santa Claus relatives who'll be ready with their love both in cash n kind :-)

tata

When man faces destiny,
destiny ends
and man comes into his own.

Reflections

For of all sad words of tongue or pen,
The saddest are these: 'It might have been!'"

For love and for hate
I swat a fly and offer it
to an ant.

the tickle in my brain

Normally when im confused about something i like to take the advice of the best...wise...experienced people around....
Yesterday was one of those nights....trying to get over the pocketmoney(salary) that i get..i was shown a golden bone worth 25,000.....adding to my grief...i started questioning my own instincts.....so i called up the big fish in the sea(not the wisest..definately the best)....who could hardly relate to what i was saying....

The following is a part of our conversation:
G:My life sucks....im never going to make it big....im questioning my own instincts.
Big Fish: But you always wanted to do what you are doing!
G:But sometimes im not sure.....
Big Fish: What do you want from life?
G: I most definately want to be socially committed....but then i also want the moolah....


Not to my surprise, nothing came out of the talk.... but today...out of the blue....my mind went TING! n i called the Big Fish in the sea and said -

G: I've found the solution to my problem!
Big Fish: Huh!
G: I'll marry a rich guy..take over his money and spend it for charity:-)

(o.k....rehab center numbers are accepted)

did i blink today?

Every man ought to be inquisitive through every hour of his great adventure down to the day when he shall no longer cast a shadow in the sun. For if he dies without a question in his heart, what excuse is there for his continuance?"
Although there may be nothing new under the sun, what is old is new to us and so rich and astonishing that we never tire of it. If we do tire of it, if we lose our curiosity, we have lost something of infinite value, because to a high degree it is curiosity that gives meaning and savour to life.

I've analyzed my life enough....now im going to live it.

Whatsay Miyaki?

City of angels...

Dads like the sweetest...stupidest....most calm...patient guy with the naughtiest smile ever....I swear...all those who think my crooked teeth are enveloped by a really naughty smile...blame my dad for it.....

Ive never seen dad in a crowd....never with too many friends.....he's always been with just two or three friends who've been with him for years....

Daddy - the family guy...dose'nt drink....dose'nt smoke....dose'nt eat meat...egg...or garlic.....recently left tea and coffee......an unfortunate lad whose never tasted a chocolate truffle cake..or a blueberry cheese cake....rather not even an eggless cake....

I admire my dad for his belief in keeping the desires to the minimal......

He's the sweetest most admirable young looking lad(dosent look his age)..who'll open his mouth while sleeping if i say the word 'chocolate'.......he just loves them....

Today i went to the reservation center to get tickets for him.....wiredly my dad who dosent believe talking to too many people....starts interacting with every single soul at the ticket center...something happens to him each time he goes there.......he randomly talks to just anyone and everyone....not a part of his usual nature.....but i wonder....why only there???

the minute he's out of there...he's the same quiet Half-Allahbadi - Half - Kashmiri, non balled,white piece of cake..who thinks every actress on t.v is Juhi Chawla..

Sometimes the most pleasureable times are to see the look on his face when i cook something he really likes...and just sit next to him and watch him relish it..and he'll announce it to the rest of the world for the next 3 weeks....

I read this poem once...and it reminds me of him each time i read it again:


Well, kid, I tell you, life for me aint been no crystal stair.
Its been hard and bare and rough places on the floor,
But all the while I've been climbing, and going forth
In the dark, cause there ain't been no light.
So dont you sit down cause its kinds hard,
Dont you quit because its rough
Cause you see, I'm still climbing
And life for me aint been no crystal stair...

Insomniac......not by will......

I havent yawned this much in ages....its been 4 hours that ive stepped in my office and all ive whole heartedly done is yawned....

Iv feel another 36 hours of continous sleep might just do the job....thanks to some,i have'nt had a sound sleep in days......

I desperately need to pass my time today...(not much work...the rest i dont want to do)....so ive come up with an idea that was better than staring at the watch....i decided to hear my favourite songs....

Beautiful girl(INXS) - 3/4 mins
Sail away(David Gray) - 4 mins
All i want is you ( u2) - 5 mins
Is there love in space( Joe Satriani) - 3 mins
December(Collective Souls) - 5 mins
Everyday you die a little( Relaxomatic Project) - 5 mins
Miserable(LIT) - 4 mins
Dirt(Phish) - 4 mins
Kiss from the rose(Seal) - 4 mins
Black(Pearl Jam) - 5 mins
Oh Me(Nirvana) - 4 mins.....

....the list is going on.....and im sort of managing to pass my time well....

Just realized how my parents have given birth to the most khatara piece on this planet...

cant read...going blind
Going Deaf(tinitus problem)
going cranky
bumped and hurt almost everyday
throat fu*****
sinus BAD
Lazy...sleepy....sick...stupid...(no...thats not me!)

(btw....Roops....please dont worry....why fear..when im there...i have the exact solution to your problem....and my social work partner has agreed to calm your senses down......:-)...Right Mr. Miyaki?

Operation De - code

Hello....what is this thing about code language that people have...

When i was young my neighbour used a wierd lingo with her sis each time they had something to share with each other.....coulnt get a word of what they said...

Mohita had a well thought of code language each time they wanted to go dope...smoke or booze....these guys had done a P.H.D in 'fooling the folks'.....and they were good at it...

Roopa n i decided to have our own....but we turned out to be pretty sad...n roopa came up with 'chalo patte khele' for each time she wanted to go and get sloshed....
that din happen....rather my dad now worries about his daughter whose got into the act of gambling and playing cards....

Some people are quite sly.....n use pitiful statements like - 'main mareez ho gaya hoon' - which means 'im horny'......or main beemar ho gaya hoon.....which also means ' im horny'...
Get over such stupid code words!Your desperation will get you nowhere......n u know whom ill be sending Right!

Well im in no mood to work today.....wanted to go home n sleep......instead decided to write this piece of shit and put the others to sleep - Ha! Social Service - as they put it.

the 9th chapter of a thought...

Hold on
Dont move
i wont move
wont think
cant see
wont look back
wont drag
go slow...gauri go slow
be...just be...
be awake
be conscious
be free
don't expect
can't forget
i float...
freefall
wont get pulled down...
not affected..
be what i was...
what i am...
what will...i be...
become the wind...
the gliding dove
a lifeless tree..
live....
minute by minute...
inhale...exhale...
inhale....exhale...
dream...be awake...
the shadow...
of a raindrop on my window...
in my eyes..
the weight of an eyelash..
can u see...me?
the sound of the oak..
of a memory..
can you hear...?
the silence..

Clueless

Dinesh ji has been calling me an 'aadmi' or a man ever since ive joined tehelka....i wonder why...so i asked him yesterday for the nth time hoping to get some clue..

G: Is it my short hair?
D: Nope
G: Coz im tall and thin?
D: That dosent matter.
G: Coz u think i sound manly?
D: No thats not the reason either.
G: My face (even though theres nothing wrong with it, but just giving it a shot)?
D: Naaaaaaaa
G: Coz of the way i talk, sit, behave?
D: (Calmly) No.


I wonder what it is then @##$$?????!!!!?/?

Drops of Jupiter...

You make me float in you dreams..
Like dead leaves on water..

It rained yesterday....
and i stood motionless im my lawn...
trying to count the number of rain drops...
that had fallen on my palm...

As u2 sang 'all i want is you' on the radio while it drizzled outside...i saw ayela play with a new puppy in the colony...i let him in at times.....he likes to roll on my grass..

One of my cat sat on my lap trying to catch the print on my shirt...and the other waited patiently on my mango tree with the hope of feasting over a scrumptious bird meal on a rainy night..

Adi went for a wedding...said he'd be back by 12......then i realized it meant 00:00(uk time)..came at 3.....with the most disgusting cigarette smell in his mouth....ive warned him....he'd be one of those 'never been kissed' guys if he dosen stop....someday he might just realize the seriousness of my concern..

the sailor went down to the bottom of the ocean....
and her tears were all the same as the sea..

I like to live beneath the dirt..
A tiny space to loose and breathe...
Is all that I can ever need...
Ill wriggle in the earth beneath
Shout your name into the wind..
Someday I will think of you…
N if youll ever think of me..
Kneel down against the earth,
n show me what this thought is worth…

Ill never hear your voice again.............

Vous êtes devenu... ma puissance, mon plaisir, ma douleur

Nothing happens by chance, my friend...
No such thing as luck.
A meaning behind every little thing, and such a meaning behind this.
Part for you, part for me, may not see it all real clear right now,
but we will, before long.

Jai hind!

Here i am trying to wake the long asleep janta of our country to rise together for a cause and it turns out to be a dissapointment.....

Yesterday there was hardly any work...except that i had to send a mail to 635 people who had signed up for the Rang De Basanti event....call not more than 50...and help the systems guy with the website.....

so here i was writing to people how they should all come and join hands to support the protests on the Narmada Bachao Aandolan and Bhopal Gas Tragedy........while my bosses were praying that Medha shouldnt recover before the 15th (i.e,when the event gets over)...people on the indefinite fast shouldnt be tempted by the chana kulcha wala who kept hovering across them......

It was a complete dissapointment when i saw the immediate responses....these were a few:

Reply No.1: Im sorry i have chiken pox (why not bird flu u idiot!)

Reply No.2: First of all i need to know where did you get my e-mail id from? (from a rehab center)

Reply No.3: Is desh ka kuch nahi ho sakta,this is all just for one day...our country will never change....this is all bakwaas...youth can never change...why be fake? why!...(Hello kid calm down...youth like you should be strangled and hung)

Reply No. 3: Will you be there? (Yup with a stick to shove up your brain!)

Reply No.4: Wow thanks for passing the invitation...can i bring my friends and cousins along? (Baap ki shaadi hai kya!)

Reply No.5: Can i get an autograph and a picture with Aamir?pleeeeeeeeeeeeeze (yup and one with George Bush too)

I cant believe im a part of this tamasha....ill be in hell for calling innocent kids in the scorching heat to talk on an issue they'd care a shit for.......no water....a mob of people only gathered to have a glimpse of the star whose completly charmed them....driving aside the actual cause of the day...........

I long for the solitude
of a sunset at sea,
and the chill of the breeze
coming in with the eve.
For the motion of my boat,
as she swings on her rode,
and the beauty of the stars,
in the evenings last glow...

The Barbarian Barber...

This is for the 10 million girls who think keeping straight.......... long......... streaked hair is a fashion statement......

Girls....Cows move in a herd....and there exists an alpha cow amongst them....

(P.S: Who says virgos are discriminating!.........they are just bluntly straight forward)

If i were Rain........

Yesterday i met Adi's friend Rahul n we were having an argument on how he finds Tata Young hot...n how i felt all the Oriental women look the same.....dry....
here's a part of our conversation....

R: Yaar that dhoom bandi is soooooooo hot!
G: Why! she's a chink!
R: You know what ur jealous...
G: I dont want to be called hot...it sounds made up...n fake...
R: I think you are very cute....wait....you are????..................(long pause)
G: Its ok Rahul...i'll settle for Unattainable Wonderous angelic maniacly gorgeously hell of a beaaaautifuul!
R: (Long pause again).............what!...yup...if you say so....

ooooooooo im so modest....:-)

i AM

To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour

"Today, if you are not confused, you are just not thinking clearly."

"If you have only two pennies left in the world, with the first penny, you should buy rice to feed your family. With the second penny, say the wise Japanese, you should buy a lily.

The Japanese understand the importance of dreaming..."

"All that spirits desire, spirits attain."

Kahlil Gibran

imagination...

There was a child went forth every day,
And the first object he look'd upon, that object he became,
And that object became part of him for the day or a certain part of the day,
Or for many years or streching eyeless years,
The early lilacs became part of the child,
And grass and white and red morning-glories and white and red clover, and the song of the phoebe-bird..."

Hope

You know, I was gonna get sick or I was gonna get injured or something. The only choice I had, the only thing I could control, was when and how and where that was going to happen.
So, I made a rope. And I went up to the summit to hang myself.
But, I had to test it, you know. Course. You know me. And the weight of the log snapped the limb of the tree, and I couldn't even kill myself the way I wanted to. I had power. over. nothing.
And that's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive.
Somehow. I had to keep breathing, even though I had no reason to hope, and all my logic said that I would never see this place again.
So, that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And then, one day that logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, gave me a sail.
And now here I am. I'm back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass.
And I've lost all. But I'm so grateful I had it once.
And I know what I have to do now. And, I keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?

cast away...

The last drop on a floating feather......

This is to inform everyone that due to extreme stress at work ive decided to commit suicide....
this world is not meant for me....
maybe i should go up and bug the people in heaven........

These are my last minute goodbyes to the few i remember as of now:

- Roopa : Your high pitched voice will continue to ring in my ears way up in heaven.

- Adi : I will continue to haunt you even when im dead.

- Sailor Boy : You will be the sole owner of my quilt...hopefully youll be enjoying it with your European chick.

- Tarun : Its a pity i wont get to see your 38 kids....and stop going to the store room!

- Bhaskar : I was falling short of subjects for your mails...you know the 26 ------....now i dont have to think bout them.

- Kaif : I'll pray one day you get out of your depression....

- Dineshji : Calm down...theres always a reason to smile....im just giving you one...

- Ayela : Start behaving like a dog....stop chasing my cats....

- Shukla : See you in hell!

There are those i dont remember and few i dont want to remember.....so be it....

Au Revoir!

Chaque jour est un bruit silencieux.....chaque jour....

premier fauchage
la rouille de l'année
disparaît dans l'herbe


the first mowing
the rust of the year
disappears in grass

Dazed.....

DOES ALCOHOL GET THE WORST OR BEST OUT OF YOU....
DOES IT MAKE ONE SAY WHATS TRUE OR WHAT ONE WANTS TO.....
NO CLUE....

Dineshji Episode no-2

Ticked off working on my computer...i blasted into a laugh when i read Dinesh writing the following to sign up for Yahoo messenger:

Yahoo id: dinesh@hotdog.com

i have no words for him....he has a 6 year old kid...and a 5 year olds brain...

Les grands sapins bleus
Un émoi parmi le vent:
Bonheur d'être en vie.


(For those who take the pains to translate it through google search:)

Large blue fir trees
an agitation among the wind:
Happiness to be in life.

Friday morning blues

Trying to pick up the broken pieces...
i cut my hand...


if one wants to cut off from the world for a few hours...the best way is to switch off your cell phone......

i did that yesterday....

n more people worry about me today than they ever did......coz i was out of reach...

Aah! Nirvana + Attention.....

a very regular start for the day.....(something had to go wrong....like usual....)
-Cranky morning
-Charmed the bearded license guy...worked..got it in 15 mins....with 20 people waiting before me....
-Broke my fish bowl....cut my finger:-(.....ran to get another bowl...cursed myself throughout the way...
-currently chewing a gum for 2hrs....

Not the best way to live your life......

l'espace vide à côté
de mes cris de réflexion de l'automne
u est parti........pourquoi

for ani.........

Un oiseau d'argile
Posé sur la cheminée:
Fragments de mémoire.


A clay bird Posed on the chimney: Fragments of memory.

Il a dit il n'a pas voulu me laisser... I a dit qu'il pas jamais

Someday ill fly away...

Rarely have i come across people who speak my language.....people have always found it difficult to look through me....and ive found it rather empty looking through blank faces and hazy minds....

I should have written a reply to the mail i recieved today..but instead i chose to put it down on my blog..to share someone's view on life....views that have really impressed me....coz of its simplicity and approach...

When i was 11 years old i wrote an E-mail to the discovery channel stating how i really wanted work for a travel show,to walk in the deserts of Africs...climb the Alps...meet the dolphins....blah blah....n gave them 20 stupid reasons why i was the right girl for them....i never got a reply...but i still have that mail saved on my comp.......it just keeps me in touch with my 'self'....well (stupid)self....

In response to the mail all i can say is:

A autumn wind
More white
Than the rocks in the rocky mountain..
Spring evening
To the half dying incense
I add it...
The moon shines at the zenith
I pass poor quarters....
I caught a petal fallen from cherry tree in my hand
Opening the fist
I find nothing there....
The flap of a bat,
drip drip of monsoon waters
Ancient image stares...
Spring departs
Birds cry
Fishes' eyes are filled with tears....
The moon
Above the snow-covered mountain
Dropped hailstones....
Dream of a winter butterfly.
A drop of melted snow
In the Karakorams....

aaaaaaaa......ummmmmmmmmmmm........damn!

I have neva been this ashamed....n neva have i heard Dineshji laugh out so loud...he's actually singing...

"Teri ganje chand ko dekh ke.....
Mar gaye ache ache....."

n Rupa all ready to shoot my brain off....
"Gauri i cant belive u actually did that!"

I have committed a Big...Gigantic...Monstrous BLUNDER..........rather my "oh! so clever" mind has put me to shame.....

All i can say is Sorry Bhaskar:

1.For thinking for over two years that you were around 40....(i know how it would feel if someone would come and ask me if i was 25......i'd wana pull out their intestines n feed them to my dogs..)

2.Sorry for arguing with rupa whether u were 35 or 40...(she thought ul be ova 30)

3.Rupa says she's ashamed for asking you if you were married...

4.And i apologize for assuming you probably had kids too...

5.Sorry, for i wont eva in my life go by people's receding hairlines and face wrinkles....(not that i mean u have them)

6.And last but not the least...sorry for the tortures u had to go through in ure organization....leading to the devastating results....

Apologies for im writing this with my mouth wide open in shock and shame for the past 17 mins....

Mistake...BIG Mistake....

This is for all the girls who think Kunal Kapoor(the guy in the movie RANG DE....)is hot......

let me warn you:

-He has long hair..(i thought they were just meant to be for the film...little did i know he was in the gay guy category)
-Wears Manish Malhotra type crinkled,flowery shirts..
-Has a 20 IQ..(Scientific term for such lads is Moron)
-Ruins it all the minute he'll open his mouth..(Saw him on Miss India....)

Damn!....what a turn off....

I think there's a problem with the name....n i seem to blessed to find all of them...

Kunal No-1: Dated the firang for 8 months before i realized he was a spineless..balless bastard....(must read winter blacks blues and greys to get an overview into what i think about him in details)

Kunal No-2: College friend...met him when i broke up with the 1st one....wanted to date me.....forgot to see his face in the mirror...

Kunal No-3: 9th class kid.....made sure the 1000 people in the festival including my boss knows he's all gaga ova someone who was double his age...

Kunal No-4: Sailor boys pal.....harmless..nice chap....

Kunal Kapoor-5: Thought i had a crush on him....before i thought over the above mentioned points......Damn! how cud i..sheesh!

Au coeur de l'été
L'angoisse du temps qui passe:
Mémoire d'automne.


In the heart of the summer
anguish of the time which passes:
Memory of autumn.

veuillez ne pas aller

Did you know...
That when it snows....
My eyes become large....and the light that you shine ....
can be seen.......

Lotus leaves in the pond
Ride on water.
Rain in June

Come dawn n i woke up looking at my bird inside a golden cage on a tree,

staring at the sky......n i said to myself...how much i loved it......

Then came a dawn when i realized i loved it a lot more than the previous days....
n i decided to set it free......

alone, on the web,
drops of sensitivity
embrace an eyelash

Friday morning blues.....

It took me a while to think today...
A while before i looked out the broken window of a bus...
It took me while to know how it is....
when you feel vaccumed surrounded by a mob on the road...
Took me a while to look at the sky....
And realize how the clouds gave me a chance to rest from looking at the sun...
A while to see the drop that fell from a moist tree...
A while before i looked away from my floating fish....
A while before someone came and said,"it's ok"....

desolate eunuch
bloats hopefully, virginal
stale dour afterlives

errr.....

This is in relation to the blog i wrote yesterday......the one bout the crush i have.......last night i thought n thought n thought n basically thought some more n realised it's not a crush......so i thought n thought n thought n thought a lot more and came to the conclusion that the feeling was actually of "admiration"....yup!...that sounds just right.......:-)

Khoob bhaalo...

Yesterday rupa n i had a blast...the kind two drunk girls are expected to have.....the sailor boy had come down.......the sailor boy left.....you know what,ive realized its so much fun drinking with your pals at the convenience of our homes....we got drunk...my day was tiring....i work for something im dead passionate about but the theres noone to pat your back...all you get is criticism...n im trying to get used to it......n then ani...not workn out at all....so the only thing that could get me out of my stuck up mind set was some vodka....the russians could have it ...so could we!

i n rupa were talking bout crushes...u know....n then TING!i realized iv sort of had this crush kinda thing for someone for sometime....ani knew it was there....rupa for sure knew it was there....n they couldnt stop laughn at what had gone wrong with me.....

Its so wierd..i wanted to write a blog last night with all those wierd things in my head....it took me 23years to have a crush...n that to someone whom people could neva imagine associating me with.....

U knw whats good about crushes....you dont expect nothin from it...you dont want nothing in return...even though i know he's one of the few who'll be reading this blog n the very thought of it is sooooo much fun........jus the thought of it makes you blush n thats it!....actually thats it!........its so complete..in its own self....i havnt given it a name of a crush until yesterday

So both of us laughed the whole night till we fell dead asleep....all worth it..HAHA!

the burning flag...

The true spirit behind Rang de basanti seemed to be fading the minute i see it as a promotional tactic used by the media,clearly visible in the protests that took place on the India Gate grounds very recently.

The radios were at it...the televisions came out with the most arguable hosts,with the best convincing powers....

There is something i agree with here...n things i disagree with...

I not only agree but also support the cause of getting justice.....there is no alternative to justice....but ive realised it was a hyped issue coz the victim involved was a known celebrity....(correct me if im wrong).....but literaly hundreds of unregistered rape cases,fake encounters,molestations,murders,domestic violence,child abuse,take place in the city EVERYDAY.......not once have i seen this spark ...that ive witnessed during the Jessica Lal case....

Honestly,we've made a joke out of this.....All the media channels were trying to get hold of the best shots they could.....for the youth it was like a -Self help technique......Loud cheers of "We want justice"......I know a 7year old girl named rosy who moves in and around my posh colony asking people to pay her fees coz the school teachers wont let her in....most of the people turn their backs to her thinking its a lie....not one has made an attempt to actually go to her school and find out the truth....the world was sleeping when two boys threw acid on two sisters faces,leaving them emotially and physically scarred for the rest of their lives...im not sure how many page -3 ites would come forward to help my maid whose a regular victim of domestic violence and rape....

The movement towards justice seemed to me like a page-3 event....singers in search of free promotion were found playing on the tunes of "We shall overcome".....the designers,the celebrities,the whose who....everyone all of a sudden realised that the spirit of Revolution that was supposedly dead for centuries....came alive weeks after the film Rang de Basanti hit the box office....

There are millions and millions of such stories....not one voice to support it....not one soul to stand by it...

We havent lived up to the Rang De spirit....i dont know for how long will this flame survive.....what we in sufisticated terms call "Voicing our opinion",is plain and simple noise......

I remember the dialogue from the film which said...
"Humare paas do raastein hai...
Kuch galat ho raha ho to ya to chup raho...
Ya khud zimmedari uthao,aur use badalne ki koshish karo"

I recieved an e-mail today....n i wanted to share a few lines from it...lines that live up to the term-"zimmedaari"

These are extracts from President Abdul Kalam's Speech:

Why are we in India so embarrassed to recognize our own strengths, our
achievements? We are such a great nation. We have so many amazing success
stories but we refuse to acknowledge them. Why?
We are the first in milk production.
We are number one in Remote sensing satellites.
We are the second largest producer of wheat.
We are the second largest producer of rice.
Look at Dr. Sudarshan, he has transferred the tribal village into a
self-sustaining, self-driving unit. There are millions of such achievements
but our media is only obsessed in the bad news and failures and disasters.
I was in Tel Aviv once and I was reading the Israeli newspaper. It was the
day after a lot of attacks and bombardments and deaths had taken place. The
Hamas had struck. But the front page of the newspaper had the picture of a
Jewish gentleman who in five years had transformed his desert into an
orchid and a granary.Do we not realize that
self-respect comes with self-reliance? I was in Hyderabad giving this
lecture, when a 14 year old girl asked me for my autograph. I asked her
what her goal in life is. She replied: I want to live in a developed India.
For her, you and I will have to build this developed India. YOU say that our government is inefficient.
YOU say that our laws are too old.
YOU say that the municipality does not pick up the garbage.
YOU say that the phones don't work, the railways are a joke,
YOU say, say and say. What do YOU do about it?
Once in an interview, the famous Ex-municipal commissioner of Bombay, Mr.
Tinaikar, had a point to make. 'Rich people's dogs are walked on the
streets to leave their affluent droppings all over the place,' he said.
'And then the same people turn around to criticize and blame the
authorities for inefficiency and dirty pavements.We sit back wanting to be pampered and expect the government to do
everything for us whilst our contribution is totally negative. We expect
the government to clean up but we are not going to stop chucking garbage
all over the place nor are we going to stop to pick a up a stray piece of
paper and throw it in the bin. We expect the railways to provide clean
bathrooms but we are not going to learn the proper use of bathrooms.
Our excuse? 'It's the
whole system which has to change, how will it matter if I alone forego my
sons' rights to a dowry.' So who's going to change the system?
What does a system consist of ? Very conveniently for us it consists of our
neighbours, other households, other cities, other communities and the
government. But definitely not me and YOU. When it comes to us actually
making a positive contribution to the system we lock ourselves along with
our families into a safe cocoon and look into the distance at countries far
away and wait for a Mr.Clean to come along & work miracles for us with a
majestic sweep of his hand or we leave the country and run away.

When the Gulf is war struck, we demand to be rescued and
brought home by the Indian government. Everybody is out to abuse and rape
the country. Nobody thinks of feeding the system. Our conscience is
mortgaged to money.

To end it i can only think of the following words:

"Dhua jhata khula gagan mera...
Nayi dagar naya safar mera...
jo ban sake tu humsafar mera...
nazar mila zara......
Rubaroo roshni..."

A dead chrysanthemum
and yet - isn't there still something
remaining in it?

pain sweet pain....

while trying to walk like a girl with mehendi on my hands(yesterday was kakuli's mehendi)i fell from the stairs....my slipper cheated on me n i slid through 7-8 steps on a dark shady staircase....

i realised it was BAD when i couldnt straighten my hand in the auto on my way back home...maa n paa were leaving...n here i was crying like a 3year old....hey! it pained like hell....my limb wasnt functioning properly....n the very thought of that made me completely break down......

i remember calling everyone from my friends to bhaiyas,to the guy i thought id left,to my brother....jus to confirm if twasnt a fracture......

bandaged in a crepe bandage,i treated myself to a maharaja mac,a mc.chicken and a mc.grill(shame on me)....but i desperately needed to calm my senses....n believe it or not....food was my nirvana.......

with a sprained elbow i walked up to my office...n to my surprise ive ben successful in grabbin everyones attention....be it tarun tejpal,or his sis,our ofice staff,my boss,our accounts guy....everyone who hasnt bothered to ask me why im all huffy puffy each time i climb the third storey building of our office,has today been all sweaty n worried about my unfortunate little elbow...i went to have my lunch at nathu's n the waiter all worried started to inquire what had gone wrong....he asked all the details....why did it happen,how many stairs did i fall from....what balm have i applied.....whoa!my elbow means more to people than my asthmatic nose....

ive got the attention of a lifetime this one day....for this i want to thank kakuli's maid who drained water on the staircase at the right time,her electrician,who has till date not bothered to fix the light on the staircase,i want to thank my parents for giving me a weak bone structure,my dad for tellin me to rush back home,n last but not the least to god....this would have not happened without your blessings...


oh n btw....i do have stupid written on my face....back with ani...

Every dog has his day.....

Ani's gna leave.....soon....infact even when he was here...he was hardly with me when i most needed him....

Days back i decided to call it all off...coz i know im not the best person when it comes to last minute goodbyes....He on the other hand believes that we should stick together coz he's gna come back after six years...n well live happily...blahblahblah...wait a minute...SIX F**** YEARS!....Did he find the word STUPID written anywhere on my face....

I havnt trusted nothin and noone for the past few years.....not after being heartbroken once......

What makes me Really angry is that not for once has he thought of staying back n trying to work out something here....well...actually he cant....n i understand that...but im still angry....

I have just one thing to say to him...He says he cant live without me.....then why isnt he dead already!?

Comfortably numb....

Yesterday was one of my Singlehood days when i n my pal Roopa decided to smokeup some weed....Konark,my pal down from Patna after months,was shocked to see how his eva so naieve friend had turned into an illusionary chimney.....

These were the things i started to think...imagine n believe 10 minutes from when i finished my first joint....

-With the unimaginable lightness in my mind i felt the car was floating...(Pretty lame n common experience of idiots who smoke up once in a while)

-I registered each n every tree that had turned golden....shedding their leaves all across the road...(loved it!)

-Crossed Shukla's house....swore at him...n believed how the Other Kunal from the movie Rang de basanti will someday be my next catch(be the bitch!)Btw i get to meet him on the 8th of April...The marketing director in my office is surprised why i fell for such an ice-candy boy...acc to her i deserve somethin a little better than that(God!she loves me and my waist line too much)

-For the first time in my life i thought id be just fine in my singlehood days...which i suppose will last a lifetime....

-Imagined stabing that unwanted friend of Navdeep a million times...no actually...cut her throat n feed it to my saint bernard(her talks were nothin but cacophony ....u know the girls who have an opinion on just anything in the world...)

The consequence of my attempt wasnt too good..
-Konark,my pal for 9yrs thinks im not the same...(he's simply basing his judgement on one act)

-Tarun thinks 80% of the times i call him,im stoned....n thats not part of my Social Work.

-Ani cares a shit...he's leaving anyway...

-i felt like crap....i keep saying this is IT!....n then anotha joint.....n anotha...Konark's right...today its 10 joints ...soon ill cross a 100....

-Oh! yesterday i dreamt of eating Shawarmas(not surprised why....i was dying to have em yesterday) besides the dream where i was cursing Ani....(dats coz i wana do that).....

im done with my interpretation of dreams....

now ill just "BE"

Oh ive been thinking of leaving non-veg,not coz of the fear of bird flu....but coz its unethical for someone whose trying to sensitize the youth to become active citizens...working for nature conservation and animal rights is a part of it.....its the f*****ing shawarma that ruins it all.....

but seriously one day i will.

This is the Haiku that runs across my mind

I kill an ant
and realize my three children
have been watching

Dreams.com -Episode -1

Believe it or not,im probably the only one in my circle who gets about 4-5 dreams in one night.....wierdly i remember each one of them....even wierder...in details....n to break the records of wierdness...they seem so real they almost keep my head f****ed the whole day.

Ive had this for years....sometimes i think i should visit a counsellor..coz of the limits of imagination iv crossed in my dreams....

Ani is probably the only one who has heard each one of them....any mornin i sound upset...he knows its the dreams...

Both of us have thought a number of times that i should register what i see.....maybe years from now i might find a link......

Today was one of those days.....i din get a comfortable sleep....got up a number of times...consciously trying to get rid of the dream i was getting...but the minute i'd go back to bed,it would continue....imagine!its like a mute button in my head...the minute im back to sleep....it starts to function.....

These were the dreams i had last night -
-I saw my grandma in Jammu....the house looked wierd....practically zoom shots (as they call it in media)of the whole area....she has a new cat.....n it looks exactly like the cat i have at home....(rest i dont remember)

-Saw Shukla sitting on the bumper of a car outside an examination center...my car stops next to him..i get out of the car...unaware of his presence....or maybe i did not want to look the other side...he was nibbling something....(don knw the rest)

-Rupa n i are with a strange man in a hotel on top of a cliff...the view is great...outside our rooms window i can see a beautiful lake with algae and weed growing in it ...the sky is grey....but there's somethin wrong with the lake....when i get up from my sleep n look outside the window i see a white fiat car sunk inside the lake...i can feel somethings not right with the place.

-Saw my cousin all upset...he was crying...he wants to tell me something that i don wana hear....

Days like today really screw my head....imagine the dreams i just mentioned...n multiply them by hundreds.....now thatll freak the hell out of anyone.....n thats the number that ive vaguely seen....

Counsellors and psychiatrists number can be recommended...

F***** Sh***

Shaadi.com

Im trying to get hold of the purrrr-fect girl for anirudh.....Knowing its not me....n the fact that HE thinks we r good FRIENDS....i thought i'd do the honors....

The list was too long.....so ive taken sometime...n here's the best way to find his match......

1.The first name of the girl should not start from the alphabets-A,B,C,D,E,F,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y AND Z.

2.The last name should not start from the alphabets -A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y AND Z.

3.The name can accidently rhyme with -"Sorry"

4.Oh! n,NO straight noses please.

All the eligible girls must send in their resumes to f-58,2nd floor,kalkaji...(JUS THE WAY I DID! :-)....)

je suis la mer

'Breathe',said the sailor to himself.....
for the life in you is the very air she breathes.....
and he sailed forth the sea that waved.....and swelled...and beckoned...
she was there...only not with him.....

Spicy affair....

Ani took me to Chor Bizaare yesterday...apparently the best place in the city to get authentic Kashmiri food.....My search for the most genuine Kashmiri fragrances and flavours ended in old delhi's Asaf Ali Road....

The mood wasnt right coz we've been going through a period of cold war...something common for couples who've been baring each other for over two years....

Without a single thought of bird flu thats terrorised the minds of millions in our country and around the world,i relished ova huge balls of meat....and chicken...and fish...and biryani......and....fried papads....and frozen fruit margarita....

Today,i sound like a hungry crow...thanks to the frozen drink....and ani has an upset stomach....couldn handle any more balls.....

Not the best way to end it all....but twas a treat afterall...

Less-than humans

They move in the core of the night,not man enough at times,and no woman wants to be associated to them,head covered under a cheap wig,and a garish coat of make-up,giving a striking glow to their decomposed shadows that have often been victims of sodomy.....They sing and dance not coz its their favourite timepass....its the only source of earning their bread.....

Kinnar...hijra...or eunuch...thanks to us,each one sounds equally derogatory...

I came across one a few days back....watching me pay a 10 rupee note to her a woman came dashing out from nowhere...extremely upset ova my act...in her words-i was 'arming' the eunuch.....giving her an easy way out to live life....She seemed quite unhappy with the eunuch who often moved around the area which was a playground for her kids(note-kids who went to affluent schools).....According to the lady,these people should try to find a job...as a domestic....a vocationl worker...but ironically refused to the idea of employing a eunuch in her own house...or factory....The woman tried her level best to make me understand that these people should be left alone(isolated-is the word)for their own empowerment....i dont get it!....a person who dosent share an equal status with either men...or women..or handicapped....or sc's...or tribals...or challenged....none!....in bare words the words-Status and Equal are not applicable to them....

The lady had all her facts wrong ...her misconception that numerous Governmet and Non-government organisations are currently working for their rights in India was wrong...

Iv been reading stuff on the internet on this issue for a few days now....n to my surprise there arent many organisations that are openly working for the MSM sector....n those who do can not provide them any placement in the so-called professional sector...These organisations are either involved in raising awareness about their sexual preferences...hiv/aids.....and fight for their rights by providing them legal assistance....But a lot can be done,provided the Government n those who frame the fate of the government are sensitised about this section of the society,that has been living in the shadows of ignorance for decades......

Tis ironic how the government can impose laws and duties on them.....like any other individual...yet there are NO rights available for this section of our community....

Getting to know the eunuch a little better(damn!i hate calling them that...forgot to ask her name)i realised how atleast once in their lifetime they try to get a decent job...but not to my surprise...they are either laughed at...or the rest of the employees refuse to work with them under the same roof.....

There is a difference between PROMISE and PERFORMANCE.....between WORDS and ACTIONS.....I believe one has no right to raise their opinion to such issues...if one has no concrete ALTERNATIVES.......its like forcing a beggar to leave begging..without offering valid alternatives....

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.It is not enough to be good. You must be good for something. You must contribute good to the world. The world must be a better place for your presence. And the good that is in you must be spread to others. In this world so filled with problems, so constantly threatened by dark and evil challenges, you can and must rise above mediocrity, above indifference. You can become involved and speak with a strong voice for that which is right. I believe in humanity. We are an incredible species. We're still just a child creature, we're still being nasty to each other. And all children go through those phases. We're growing up, we're moving into adolescence now. When we grow up - man, we're going to be something.

Valentine baba ki jai!

Valentines was here n i saw people getting all ready for it months before the Big day had arrived....the pleasure i saw on peoples faces was probably not there even when our country got independent....seriously...i recieved more texts on valentines than on my birthday.......

The following are the texts ive recieved in the past few years from my ardent fans......
-Liakat Ali-(wierd looking,extreemly white kashmiri guy who wanted to date me coz we were from the same community)-'GAURI i want to propose to you for one reason:
1.)Because you dont have a boyfriend.'(rejected)

-Ashish sharma-(Phattu guy who threw the rose in the bin afteri gave him the most disgusted look eva,only to pick it up again and give it to someone else when i left the room)'I want to date you coz i like the way you join your hands while you pray in the school assembly.'(rejected!)

-Konark Kondilya -(Ashish's friend who tried his luck the minute i rejected his best friend.The letter he gave me said)-'Some people are good with you,some are sweet,but i am the right guy for you.'(Definately rejected!)

-Himanshu Grover -(Doped 24/7,could stand against rain,snow and our principal)'I want to do friendship with you.'(REJECTED..REJECTED!!!)

-Hardev Kumar -(My pal for 7 years couldn belive that i could fall for someone else besides him...These are the things he did to win me back-
1.cut his wrist.
2.poisoned the guy i was dating(i mean poinsoned with words)
3.won the guy's confidence.
4.cried like a baby whose beaten up by a cane.
5.Bought 8 HORSES (believe it or not...for somepeople one can have anything if they have enough greens in their pocket.)
6.Said he wants two kids named Sadhvi and Sadhav...(Rejected for Life!!!!!!)

Ankur -(sends me a text each time he gets drunk.This was the one sent yesterday at 1:30 at night) 'i love you..very very much,its just that i cant say it coz im a phattu,i have been in a lot of relationships but tera chehra her taraf dikhta hai,i have been asking you out eva since i was in class 8th,plz dont reject me.'(Not only rejected but will also be beaten up if he eva comes across me)

Ankur(No.2)-(started dating my classmate from college coz he said she was the only one available.)He said..f**** hell f****** B*******M***(Rejected and currently going through counselling.)

Im too tired to think of more names...but tis quite obvious why all of them are still single....I mean if Mr Valentine was alive he would commit suicide and die again!....

I have neva understood the whole concept of 'ASKING OUT'....I wonder if it eva crosses their hollow minds how stupid they sound...I know what im saying is a subjective thing...
but who cares...IM DAMN RIGHT!

Dineshji-Episode no:1

The first thought that runs across anyone's head when he sees our production guy Dineshji is that this 6'feet guy is fit to be hung in a biology lab....u know the ones that can not afford a human skeleton...Dinu as some of us call him...shocked the living hell out of me when i first found out that he was married...n the other shock was that he had a six year old lille dinu back home!....any one could get a shock once they'd catch a glimpse of him.....

He's definately not a guy with too many interests...it seems as if his life rests on one thing-Cricket!....He's one of those crazy lads who love to watch a ball run along a field and is one who drops a tear or two when his favourite cricketer is bowled out....By the way...he really feels for Ganguly....Damn what do these people find in cricket....i believe...people who dont have certain logical interests-watch cricket....n here we have someone who worships it!....not surprised why....

Actualy he's not that turnin off....When Ani saw him for the first time,he thought he was quite a piece....dark,tall..n for Ani..handsome!.....he gets blown away each time he sees him....at times leaving some doubts in my head about Ani's preferences....

You should see him in his mood swings...he'll beat any woman's PMS(don i use this term too much?)...see how spicy food makes fire come out of his ears....n then at times how he'll embarass the hell outa you by going ovaboard with his jokes....

Enter office..n ull find him readind every posssible horoscope,tarot,karmic,numerological reading available on the net...unfortunately the good ones neva come true....not in his case....

On Muharram,his son called him up and said that his teacher had told him this was a day when all human beings beat their chests,cry and mourn...so he'll try to do that...not beat his chest...just mourn....when dineshji told me about this..i wondered...another dinesh in the making.....

Hell not talk coz he's pissed off for some random reason....then throw his handicapped jokes at us and laugh out loud alone....then act like the side-actors of who've been thrown out of NSD,taking out wierd voices and talking in wierd accents....oh! not to miss...sing his all time favourite song..

"meri jaan ke lachche..
aa bana doo tujhe jalidar kachche..
hava aati rahegi..."

At ease....

No one travels
Along this way but I,
This autumn evening

...virgule

Night; and once again,
the while I wait for you, cold wind
turns into rain.

Won't you come and see
loneliness? Just one leaf
from the kiri tree.

The Unbearable Lightness Of The Sinking Mind……..

Serendipity is by far one of my favourite words……simply coz it fits into my life well….coz if someone asks me to describe my life in one word…it would be –SERENDIPITOUS……..

Life’s been full of surprises…..that come across when I least expect them…….

The very thought of walking in the areas of Pharganj would beat the crap out of my senses….horns blowing at my face….i din know if I could be a part of the areas regular procession of stampede….for me,every rikshaw coming my way almost ran ova my feet……I wasn’t used to the smell…was it rotten carcass..i thought….or jus too many men peeing on these walls for years…….i wonder when they got their last coat of whitewash……maybe we’ll have to wait for the monsoons to wash it all off….

Why was I here?…I was fine in my posh colony where neither the smell nor the traffic had set foot……I squeezed my body through the tight streets of Paharganj following my boss and a man who was specially called to help us find our way to where we were going –The Salaam Baalak Trust…

The Salaam Baalak Trust is an organization that works with street and working children,who run away from their villages at a very young age due to poverty,alchoholic parents,or domestic violence.Most of these children get on trains and reach the metros where they are further victims of the police,mafia,and hunger…forcing them to beg on the streets or get into drug trafficking…The organization that has it’s shelter homes in different zones of the city rescues these children from the streets,keeps them in these shelter homes where they receive the necessary education and vocational training before they are placed in various sectors as responsible citizens..

I walked through streets which probably would be hard to find even if we looked through a map….dead rats,overflowing drains,men letching,more cows than people itself….the day couldn have been any worse….n then my mind kept churning ova the thought that I was going to meet a shelter full of children….all with a uniquely sad story of their own…..how unfortunate it is…I said to myself….many of them don’t even remember their parents names….others don’t want to….n still others who miss their loved ones…..i hope I don’t break into tears hearing their sad tales….During our festival at the National Bal Bahwan,one of these kids sang a song for his mother he had neva seen…..i still remember and audience of 800 children….all in tears ……I wasn’t ready for this….not yesterday….i had enough stories of my own that were bothering me…let alone someone elses….

So I finally reached one of their shelters called –Apna Ghar….we walked up to the first floor…entered an empty hall which was soon full of 50 children,who came running from all the possible corners…Namaste..Namaste…said each one of them as they settled on the rugs….Puneeta-my boss started interacting with them…asking them for their feedback on the festival….wait a minute!….none of them was sad…..as a matter of fact they were a family of 50 kids who talked more than all of the students in the Government schools all together,laughed like crazy….one of them wanted to participate in The Great Indian Comedy Show-his friends said he was the entertainer in the lot…another learnt karate…yet another loved to show me his moves on-Ashique Banaya….one room….n so much energy…

There was too much to wory about…..only before I set my foot here….there were no sad faces…no complaints…only eager eyes…and joyous souls..who wanted the outside world to accept them….as equals….

So after a while we walked back to the station….climbed the first floor of the police chowki which was now one of the organization's offices….its ironic when sometimes what you dread the most turns out to be a sole player in making your day…..i've neva seen the Railway station like I saw it yesterday….from the police Chowki’s balcony….the birds flew in circles around the setting sun….The hustle-bustle at the station din bother me for a while….infact it all seemed just perfect..

I thought I was in pain...before i saw them...
I thought I was alive......before I saw them...

wants v/s needs....desires v/s Deserve.........

Sometimes its difficult to draw a line between what i desire and what i deserve.....i think i deserve what i desire......but i dont guide my 'self'..........time guides the self in me.......

Dad once made me read a phrase that said...'dont do things that make you feel good.....do those that are right'.......i think i can hear him say this again after years...

I choose to remain silent in my shell.........ive said so much.....now silence seems more complete........there's a constant conflict between happiness and content........i need to be content...n not just seek for petty happiness...........yeah thats what i did ....again....i 'sought'(comment taken into consideration)happiness....thats where i went wrong....thats why my SELF is not content.

I'm driven by my passions....they keep my spirit alive..n my passions lie in what i do....It keeps me fully in the present, so that time becomes a series of mutually exclusive 'nows.'

Something fishy...

I thought work would make me grow.........all i see is myself AGEING....besides everything else....EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!

Anis realised how im constantly going through a PMS.....ME!....PMS!....Do you know why he calls it 'P.M.S'?....Coz mad cow disease was already taken.............

Btw.....i n my friend Kakuli are the only two LIVE things in this office..(besides our eight fishes).....the rest of them only breathe....

Our fishes...they are great...we've decided to call them -Tipu Sultans,Chengez Khans,Anarkalis and Maharana Prataps(remember there are four pairs)...the name fixing is still going on......Kaku's gone to 'do' her fiance....n im writing crap in my free time......

un jour silencieux

Ama me fideliter! Fidem meam noto: De corde totaliter Et ex mente tota, Sum presentialiter Absens in remota."
Lat: "Love me faithfully!/See how I am faithful:/With all my heart/And all my soul/I am with you/Though I am far away."


Ani,parfois vous regarder et le connaître ne seront pas pour trop long est plus de diffficult que la vie sans vous.

'Sher - E - Bengal'

I don rememba talkin bout any of my seniors after they passed out of school or college,not even those on whose farewell i dropped a tear or two....its strange how we think things will be so different after they leave.....but 2 months hence...we don even remember if they eva existed...
The only exception i can think of is Ani.Aniruddho Chokroborthy Hoque takes all the prizes for the most talked about,hated,joked about,wierd,animal like creature that eva existed in the history of Mother's International School and Sri Venkateshwara College.....Everything from pointing at girls cleaveges and calling them hairy,to throwing stones in peoples food,to mooning his teacher in his class,to making out in the girls loo in school and being caught,to fart the loudest in his class,to fingering his ex-girlfriend without eva getting to see her boobs(I mean thats where they go first...i suppose),to randomly asking people for cold drinks without even knowing them,to sticking gum in a girl's hair forcing her to chop the lovely locks off,to have the most cacophonic laugh eva,bad enough to force the birds to flee,and last but not the least shocking the entire world by completing 2 years in a relationship with a girl who people thought would neva even look at him.

My cousin who studied in his school cant stop talking about his crazy acts.....in her words,'Ani transformed a sober class into a bunch of 'junglees'.....My brother's friend jus joined my college...the first words that came out of his mouth when he met Ani a few days back were..'Oh Ani!...Everyone hates you in college...'

Ani's done the job....he's pissed all of them enough to not let them forget him for a decade......He was gooooooooood at all he did....not that all was right....but it was all good....and he loved it....he hasnt missed out on his share of fun....even when sometimes i was keeping a watch on him so that he dosen go ovaboard....
I havnt come across a crazier guy in my life....n im sure same goes for all those who've met him.....His sneeze will scare you,hell make you grind your teeth....but in my memories of college....he was... and will be the only guy who added life to his environment....

I can neva be like him......when i look at him i find him completing the other side of me....he makes me possesive..and sometimes a little like him...