Les grands sapins bleus
Un émoi parmi le vent:
Bonheur d'être en vie.


(For those who take the pains to translate it through google search:)

Large blue fir trees
an agitation among the wind:
Happiness to be in life.

Friday morning blues

Trying to pick up the broken pieces...
i cut my hand...


if one wants to cut off from the world for a few hours...the best way is to switch off your cell phone......

i did that yesterday....

n more people worry about me today than they ever did......coz i was out of reach...

Aah! Nirvana + Attention.....

a very regular start for the day.....(something had to go wrong....like usual....)
-Cranky morning
-Charmed the bearded license guy...worked..got it in 15 mins....with 20 people waiting before me....
-Broke my fish bowl....cut my finger:-(.....ran to get another bowl...cursed myself throughout the way...
-currently chewing a gum for 2hrs....

Not the best way to live your life......

l'espace vide à côté
de mes cris de réflexion de l'automne
u est parti........pourquoi

for ani.........

Un oiseau d'argile
Posé sur la cheminée:
Fragments de mémoire.


A clay bird Posed on the chimney: Fragments of memory.

Il a dit il n'a pas voulu me laisser... I a dit qu'il pas jamais

Someday ill fly away...

Rarely have i come across people who speak my language.....people have always found it difficult to look through me....and ive found it rather empty looking through blank faces and hazy minds....

I should have written a reply to the mail i recieved today..but instead i chose to put it down on my blog..to share someone's view on life....views that have really impressed me....coz of its simplicity and approach...

When i was 11 years old i wrote an E-mail to the discovery channel stating how i really wanted work for a travel show,to walk in the deserts of Africs...climb the Alps...meet the dolphins....blah blah....n gave them 20 stupid reasons why i was the right girl for them....i never got a reply...but i still have that mail saved on my comp.......it just keeps me in touch with my 'self'....well (stupid)self....

In response to the mail all i can say is:

A autumn wind
More white
Than the rocks in the rocky mountain..
Spring evening
To the half dying incense
I add it...
The moon shines at the zenith
I pass poor quarters....
I caught a petal fallen from cherry tree in my hand
Opening the fist
I find nothing there....
The flap of a bat,
drip drip of monsoon waters
Ancient image stares...
Spring departs
Birds cry
Fishes' eyes are filled with tears....
The moon
Above the snow-covered mountain
Dropped hailstones....
Dream of a winter butterfly.
A drop of melted snow
In the Karakorams....

aaaaaaaa......ummmmmmmmmmmm........damn!

I have neva been this ashamed....n neva have i heard Dineshji laugh out so loud...he's actually singing...

"Teri ganje chand ko dekh ke.....
Mar gaye ache ache....."

n Rupa all ready to shoot my brain off....
"Gauri i cant belive u actually did that!"

I have committed a Big...Gigantic...Monstrous BLUNDER..........rather my "oh! so clever" mind has put me to shame.....

All i can say is Sorry Bhaskar:

1.For thinking for over two years that you were around 40....(i know how it would feel if someone would come and ask me if i was 25......i'd wana pull out their intestines n feed them to my dogs..)

2.Sorry for arguing with rupa whether u were 35 or 40...(she thought ul be ova 30)

3.Rupa says she's ashamed for asking you if you were married...

4.And i apologize for assuming you probably had kids too...

5.Sorry, for i wont eva in my life go by people's receding hairlines and face wrinkles....(not that i mean u have them)

6.And last but not the least...sorry for the tortures u had to go through in ure organization....leading to the devastating results....

Apologies for im writing this with my mouth wide open in shock and shame for the past 17 mins....

Mistake...BIG Mistake....

This is for all the girls who think Kunal Kapoor(the guy in the movie RANG DE....)is hot......

let me warn you:

-He has long hair..(i thought they were just meant to be for the film...little did i know he was in the gay guy category)
-Wears Manish Malhotra type crinkled,flowery shirts..
-Has a 20 IQ..(Scientific term for such lads is Moron)
-Ruins it all the minute he'll open his mouth..(Saw him on Miss India....)

Damn!....what a turn off....

I think there's a problem with the name....n i seem to blessed to find all of them...

Kunal No-1: Dated the firang for 8 months before i realized he was a spineless..balless bastard....(must read winter blacks blues and greys to get an overview into what i think about him in details)

Kunal No-2: College friend...met him when i broke up with the 1st one....wanted to date me.....forgot to see his face in the mirror...

Kunal No-3: 9th class kid.....made sure the 1000 people in the festival including my boss knows he's all gaga ova someone who was double his age...

Kunal No-4: Sailor boys pal.....harmless..nice chap....

Kunal Kapoor-5: Thought i had a crush on him....before i thought over the above mentioned points......Damn! how cud i..sheesh!

Au coeur de l'été
L'angoisse du temps qui passe:
Mémoire d'automne.


In the heart of the summer
anguish of the time which passes:
Memory of autumn.

veuillez ne pas aller

Did you know...
That when it snows....
My eyes become large....and the light that you shine ....
can be seen.......

Lotus leaves in the pond
Ride on water.
Rain in June

Come dawn n i woke up looking at my bird inside a golden cage on a tree,

staring at the sky......n i said to myself...how much i loved it......

Then came a dawn when i realized i loved it a lot more than the previous days....
n i decided to set it free......

alone, on the web,
drops of sensitivity
embrace an eyelash

Friday morning blues.....

It took me a while to think today...
A while before i looked out the broken window of a bus...
It took me while to know how it is....
when you feel vaccumed surrounded by a mob on the road...
Took me a while to look at the sky....
And realize how the clouds gave me a chance to rest from looking at the sun...
A while to see the drop that fell from a moist tree...
A while before i looked away from my floating fish....
A while before someone came and said,"it's ok"....

desolate eunuch
bloats hopefully, virginal
stale dour afterlives

errr.....

This is in relation to the blog i wrote yesterday......the one bout the crush i have.......last night i thought n thought n thought n basically thought some more n realised it's not a crush......so i thought n thought n thought n thought a lot more and came to the conclusion that the feeling was actually of "admiration"....yup!...that sounds just right.......:-)

Khoob bhaalo...

Yesterday rupa n i had a blast...the kind two drunk girls are expected to have.....the sailor boy had come down.......the sailor boy left.....you know what,ive realized its so much fun drinking with your pals at the convenience of our homes....we got drunk...my day was tiring....i work for something im dead passionate about but the theres noone to pat your back...all you get is criticism...n im trying to get used to it......n then ani...not workn out at all....so the only thing that could get me out of my stuck up mind set was some vodka....the russians could have it ...so could we!

i n rupa were talking bout crushes...u know....n then TING!i realized iv sort of had this crush kinda thing for someone for sometime....ani knew it was there....rupa for sure knew it was there....n they couldnt stop laughn at what had gone wrong with me.....

Its so wierd..i wanted to write a blog last night with all those wierd things in my head....it took me 23years to have a crush...n that to someone whom people could neva imagine associating me with.....

U knw whats good about crushes....you dont expect nothin from it...you dont want nothing in return...even though i know he's one of the few who'll be reading this blog n the very thought of it is sooooo much fun........jus the thought of it makes you blush n thats it!....actually thats it!........its so complete..in its own self....i havnt given it a name of a crush until yesterday

So both of us laughed the whole night till we fell dead asleep....all worth it..HAHA!

the burning flag...

The true spirit behind Rang de basanti seemed to be fading the minute i see it as a promotional tactic used by the media,clearly visible in the protests that took place on the India Gate grounds very recently.

The radios were at it...the televisions came out with the most arguable hosts,with the best convincing powers....

There is something i agree with here...n things i disagree with...

I not only agree but also support the cause of getting justice.....there is no alternative to justice....but ive realised it was a hyped issue coz the victim involved was a known celebrity....(correct me if im wrong).....but literaly hundreds of unregistered rape cases,fake encounters,molestations,murders,domestic violence,child abuse,take place in the city EVERYDAY.......not once have i seen this spark ...that ive witnessed during the Jessica Lal case....

Honestly,we've made a joke out of this.....All the media channels were trying to get hold of the best shots they could.....for the youth it was like a -Self help technique......Loud cheers of "We want justice"......I know a 7year old girl named rosy who moves in and around my posh colony asking people to pay her fees coz the school teachers wont let her in....most of the people turn their backs to her thinking its a lie....not one has made an attempt to actually go to her school and find out the truth....the world was sleeping when two boys threw acid on two sisters faces,leaving them emotially and physically scarred for the rest of their lives...im not sure how many page -3 ites would come forward to help my maid whose a regular victim of domestic violence and rape....

The movement towards justice seemed to me like a page-3 event....singers in search of free promotion were found playing on the tunes of "We shall overcome".....the designers,the celebrities,the whose who....everyone all of a sudden realised that the spirit of Revolution that was supposedly dead for centuries....came alive weeks after the film Rang de Basanti hit the box office....

There are millions and millions of such stories....not one voice to support it....not one soul to stand by it...

We havent lived up to the Rang De spirit....i dont know for how long will this flame survive.....what we in sufisticated terms call "Voicing our opinion",is plain and simple noise......

I remember the dialogue from the film which said...
"Humare paas do raastein hai...
Kuch galat ho raha ho to ya to chup raho...
Ya khud zimmedari uthao,aur use badalne ki koshish karo"

I recieved an e-mail today....n i wanted to share a few lines from it...lines that live up to the term-"zimmedaari"

These are extracts from President Abdul Kalam's Speech:

Why are we in India so embarrassed to recognize our own strengths, our
achievements? We are such a great nation. We have so many amazing success
stories but we refuse to acknowledge them. Why?
We are the first in milk production.
We are number one in Remote sensing satellites.
We are the second largest producer of wheat.
We are the second largest producer of rice.
Look at Dr. Sudarshan, he has transferred the tribal village into a
self-sustaining, self-driving unit. There are millions of such achievements
but our media is only obsessed in the bad news and failures and disasters.
I was in Tel Aviv once and I was reading the Israeli newspaper. It was the
day after a lot of attacks and bombardments and deaths had taken place. The
Hamas had struck. But the front page of the newspaper had the picture of a
Jewish gentleman who in five years had transformed his desert into an
orchid and a granary.Do we not realize that
self-respect comes with self-reliance? I was in Hyderabad giving this
lecture, when a 14 year old girl asked me for my autograph. I asked her
what her goal in life is. She replied: I want to live in a developed India.
For her, you and I will have to build this developed India. YOU say that our government is inefficient.
YOU say that our laws are too old.
YOU say that the municipality does not pick up the garbage.
YOU say that the phones don't work, the railways are a joke,
YOU say, say and say. What do YOU do about it?
Once in an interview, the famous Ex-municipal commissioner of Bombay, Mr.
Tinaikar, had a point to make. 'Rich people's dogs are walked on the
streets to leave their affluent droppings all over the place,' he said.
'And then the same people turn around to criticize and blame the
authorities for inefficiency and dirty pavements.We sit back wanting to be pampered and expect the government to do
everything for us whilst our contribution is totally negative. We expect
the government to clean up but we are not going to stop chucking garbage
all over the place nor are we going to stop to pick a up a stray piece of
paper and throw it in the bin. We expect the railways to provide clean
bathrooms but we are not going to learn the proper use of bathrooms.
Our excuse? 'It's the
whole system which has to change, how will it matter if I alone forego my
sons' rights to a dowry.' So who's going to change the system?
What does a system consist of ? Very conveniently for us it consists of our
neighbours, other households, other cities, other communities and the
government. But definitely not me and YOU. When it comes to us actually
making a positive contribution to the system we lock ourselves along with
our families into a safe cocoon and look into the distance at countries far
away and wait for a Mr.Clean to come along & work miracles for us with a
majestic sweep of his hand or we leave the country and run away.

When the Gulf is war struck, we demand to be rescued and
brought home by the Indian government. Everybody is out to abuse and rape
the country. Nobody thinks of feeding the system. Our conscience is
mortgaged to money.

To end it i can only think of the following words:

"Dhua jhata khula gagan mera...
Nayi dagar naya safar mera...
jo ban sake tu humsafar mera...
nazar mila zara......
Rubaroo roshni..."

A dead chrysanthemum
and yet - isn't there still something
remaining in it?

pain sweet pain....

while trying to walk like a girl with mehendi on my hands(yesterday was kakuli's mehendi)i fell from the stairs....my slipper cheated on me n i slid through 7-8 steps on a dark shady staircase....

i realised it was BAD when i couldnt straighten my hand in the auto on my way back home...maa n paa were leaving...n here i was crying like a 3year old....hey! it pained like hell....my limb wasnt functioning properly....n the very thought of that made me completely break down......

i remember calling everyone from my friends to bhaiyas,to the guy i thought id left,to my brother....jus to confirm if twasnt a fracture......

bandaged in a crepe bandage,i treated myself to a maharaja mac,a mc.chicken and a mc.grill(shame on me)....but i desperately needed to calm my senses....n believe it or not....food was my nirvana.......

with a sprained elbow i walked up to my office...n to my surprise ive ben successful in grabbin everyones attention....be it tarun tejpal,or his sis,our ofice staff,my boss,our accounts guy....everyone who hasnt bothered to ask me why im all huffy puffy each time i climb the third storey building of our office,has today been all sweaty n worried about my unfortunate little elbow...i went to have my lunch at nathu's n the waiter all worried started to inquire what had gone wrong....he asked all the details....why did it happen,how many stairs did i fall from....what balm have i applied.....whoa!my elbow means more to people than my asthmatic nose....

ive got the attention of a lifetime this one day....for this i want to thank kakuli's maid who drained water on the staircase at the right time,her electrician,who has till date not bothered to fix the light on the staircase,i want to thank my parents for giving me a weak bone structure,my dad for tellin me to rush back home,n last but not the least to god....this would have not happened without your blessings...


oh n btw....i do have stupid written on my face....back with ani...

Every dog has his day.....

Ani's gna leave.....soon....infact even when he was here...he was hardly with me when i most needed him....

Days back i decided to call it all off...coz i know im not the best person when it comes to last minute goodbyes....He on the other hand believes that we should stick together coz he's gna come back after six years...n well live happily...blahblahblah...wait a minute...SIX F**** YEARS!....Did he find the word STUPID written anywhere on my face....

I havnt trusted nothin and noone for the past few years.....not after being heartbroken once......

What makes me Really angry is that not for once has he thought of staying back n trying to work out something here....well...actually he cant....n i understand that...but im still angry....

I have just one thing to say to him...He says he cant live without me.....then why isnt he dead already!?

Comfortably numb....

Yesterday was one of my Singlehood days when i n my pal Roopa decided to smokeup some weed....Konark,my pal down from Patna after months,was shocked to see how his eva so naieve friend had turned into an illusionary chimney.....

These were the things i started to think...imagine n believe 10 minutes from when i finished my first joint....

-With the unimaginable lightness in my mind i felt the car was floating...(Pretty lame n common experience of idiots who smoke up once in a while)

-I registered each n every tree that had turned golden....shedding their leaves all across the road...(loved it!)

-Crossed Shukla's house....swore at him...n believed how the Other Kunal from the movie Rang de basanti will someday be my next catch(be the bitch!)Btw i get to meet him on the 8th of April...The marketing director in my office is surprised why i fell for such an ice-candy boy...acc to her i deserve somethin a little better than that(God!she loves me and my waist line too much)

-For the first time in my life i thought id be just fine in my singlehood days...which i suppose will last a lifetime....

-Imagined stabing that unwanted friend of Navdeep a million times...no actually...cut her throat n feed it to my saint bernard(her talks were nothin but cacophony ....u know the girls who have an opinion on just anything in the world...)

The consequence of my attempt wasnt too good..
-Konark,my pal for 9yrs thinks im not the same...(he's simply basing his judgement on one act)

-Tarun thinks 80% of the times i call him,im stoned....n thats not part of my Social Work.

-Ani cares a shit...he's leaving anyway...

-i felt like crap....i keep saying this is IT!....n then anotha joint.....n anotha...Konark's right...today its 10 joints ...soon ill cross a 100....

-Oh! yesterday i dreamt of eating Shawarmas(not surprised why....i was dying to have em yesterday) besides the dream where i was cursing Ani....(dats coz i wana do that).....

im done with my interpretation of dreams....

now ill just "BE"

Oh ive been thinking of leaving non-veg,not coz of the fear of bird flu....but coz its unethical for someone whose trying to sensitize the youth to become active citizens...working for nature conservation and animal rights is a part of it.....its the f*****ing shawarma that ruins it all.....

but seriously one day i will.

This is the Haiku that runs across my mind

I kill an ant
and realize my three children
have been watching