...lies in the feeling of detachment...
peace
freedom
beauty

i am
the dot of a full stop...
complete in its own self

vodoo on a yellow sunday

Happiness is watching Adam chase a fly for 2o mins this morning

Beauty is Nani's face when she sleeps

Love is maa's kiss when im fast asleep

I.N.N.E.R.T.W.I.S.T

8:00 am - my horrorscope for the day states: let go of bitter energies...
10:00 am - the advertisement next to my facebook account states - Block all your mental blocks

dosent fate have better things to do than keep track of my state of mind!

yesterday i met an "all in love" newly married couple...and for some reason i kept thinking how long will it remain like this....

day before yesterday someone asked me if at all i knew what i wanted out of life...

last week...swamyji warns me to stop sulking and start believeing in myself...

am i seriously that predictable...

a thought is like a seed that germinates in her mind....making it the most potent force of energy that makes or ruins it...

why can you not see - mee!

if i were to give you one chance
what would you want it to bring you.....

YOU ARE

the unaltered
the unconditional
the unattainable
the unforeseen
the untouched
the understated

you are what i see in you when you're notional
you are
liberated
hyper
reactive
proactive
meditative
soothing
violent
playful


you're me when im not myself
you are also me when your not your own



finally a lot can change..getting inside your brain..you try not to get away
but you
...probably go insane

how beautiful do you usually get?

the world is changing
i can feel it in the grass..
smell it in the wind..
see it in the dawn..

the world is changing...
as i let you go..

i end where you stop dreaming..............

surface of a shadow pool
reflecting nothing

Hello!

This is your life speaking.

You don't know what you're doing to me...Do you?

all the love i have is in my mind

Let the might of your compassion arise to bring a
Quick end to the flowing stream of the blood and tears.
Please hear my anguish words of truth
An ocean of measureless qualities in an ocean of joy
Drunk with demonic delusions
Our most chaste and long-felt desire
Why can you not see...me!

its taken a fair amount of experience

marginal amount of intellect

some sprinkles of destiny

and loads n loads of hardwork

Can someone explain what the hell am i doing here!

if i were to make a big mistake....it would definately be YOU..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GUGU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For people who've made my day even before the actual date of my bithday..
For people who gave me the most memorable surprises of the the year..
For people who truly..truuuly love me
For people who need to be reminded about sending their gifts soon
For people who got me the most beautiful watch ever..and lash enhancing makeup turning me into a most wanted category of the season
For people who went a step ahead to make it super special
For people who still have to go on the 3081th dinner of the year with me
For people who forgot what this day was 2 years back
For people who mended my heart...and even those who broke it this year..
For people who held me stable during my state of emotional drainage..
For people who cared about me when i was 63kgs..and today that i am 46..
For people who spoil me and those that turn me wasted..
MUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
Thank You!

for showing me what MORAL FIBRE truly is......and making an ordinary date worthwhile...

well before time..

there's something definately wrong with me turning 25 ...considering the whole damn world has driven me crazy that i should get married THIS YEAR ...as if im turning gay in the next...

family, relatives and even friends start of the minute they get a glimpse of me...

i thought my plans of doing a PHD would actually delay the process by a year or two..but to my surprise..the world feels getting a match for an over-qualified, picky lady like me would be near to impossible by the time i stick a "Dr" title next to my name..

this is precisely the reason why guys pop out of nowhere in family dinners and formal functions..aunties' eligible sons dont really have the best time of their twinkling life when i rape them with my interrogation...almost making them realize how worthless their existence stands..in comparison to my cat laying kittens every six months...i mean you know how blunt this virgo can be...and these times...im at my best....

but i have started to give in...at times..because the world tries to force it down our f****d up heads how we are actually borne to PROCREATE...and not just to love....before i reach impotency...i might as well lay kittens myself..

the one thing i wana do..is runaway and work in a developing country where noone knows what 15th september does to my life...

- yours (patiently)

love is the most sold-out commodity of the current century...full stop

THE BOOK OF THE WAY

the ancient mastersdidn't try to educate the people
but kindly taught them to not-know
when they think that they know the answers
people are difficult to guide
when they know that they don't know
people can find their own way
if you want to learn how to govern
avoid being clever or rich
the simplest pattern is the clearest
content with an ordinary life
you can show all people the way
back to their own true nature

with two needles already pierced through my bum...one pierced through my nerve sucking out awesomely deep red colored blood for a god for saken blood test...the month that just passed...and the one thats going on dosent seem like bringing any reason to celebrate this year..

the report in the evening will show if ill have to be off "charnamat" for a good time..there goes any intoxicating plan for my birthday this year....to make matters worse...if my body temperature continues to roar on the thermometer...i doubt any sort of a celebration..

price for turning 25!

really need to go to Munsiari this October....and if dosent happen...im showing symptoms of the next serial killer...

It is the pleasure of searching and the pleasure of the adventure. You are nourishing something that’s very important-your dreams. We must never stop dreaming. Dreams provide nourishment for the soul, just as a meal does for the body. Many times in our lives we see our dreams shattered and our desires frustrated, but we have to continue dreaming. If we don’t, our soul dies… …The Good fight is the one we fight because our heart asks it of us… …The Good fight is the one that’s fought in the name of our dreams. When we’re young our dreams first explode inside us with all of their force, we are very courageous, but we haven’t yet learned how to fight. With great effort, we learn how to fight, but by then we no longer have the courage to go into combat. So we turn against ourselves and do battle within. We become our own worst enemy. We say that our dreams were childish, or too difficult to realize, or the result or our not having known enough about life. We kill our dreams because we are afraid to fight the good fight. The first symptom of the process of killing our dreams is lack of time… The Busiest people I have known in my life always have time enough to do everything. Those who do nothing are always tired and pay no attention to the little amount of work they are required to do. They complain constantly that the day is too short. The Truth is, they are afraid to fight the good fight… The second symptom of the death of our dreams lies in our certainties. Because we don’t want to see life as a grand adventure, we begin to think of ourselves as wise and fair and correct in asking so little of life. We look beyond the walls of our day-to-day existence, and we hear the sound of lances breaking, we smell the dust and the sweat, and we see the great defeats and the fire in the eyes of the warriors. But we never see the delight, the immense delight in the hearts of those engaged in the battle. For them, neither victory nor defeat is important; what’s important is only that they are fighting the good fight. And, finally, the third symptom of the passing of our dreams is peace. Life becomes a Sunday afternoon; we ask for nothing grand, and we cease to demand anything more than we are willing to give. In that state we think of ourselves as being mature; we put aside the fantasies of our youth, and we seek personal and professional achievement. We are surprised when people our age say that they still want this or that out of life. But really, deep in our hearts, we know that what has happened is that we have renounced the battle for our dreams-we have refused to fight the good fight. When we renounce our dreams and find peace, we go through a period of tranquility. But the dead dreams begin to rot within us and to infect our entire being. We become cruel to those around us, and then we begin to direct this cruelty against ourselves…What we sought to avoid in combat-disappointment and defeat-came upon us because of our cowardice. And one day, the dead, spoiled dreams make it difficult to breath, and we actually seek death. It’s death that frees us from out certainties, from our work, and from that terrible peace of Sunday afternoons.”
The Pilgrimage by Paulo Coelho P. 58

Be The Change You Want To See In This World - Mahatma Gandhi

During 1930’s, a young boy had become obsessed with eating sugar. His mother was very upset with this. But no matter how much she scolded him and tried to break his habit, he continued to satisfy his sweet tooth. Totally frustrated, she decided to take her son to see his idol - Mahatma Gandhi; perhaps her son would listen to him.
She walked miles, for hours under scorching sun to finally reach Gandhi’s ashram. There, she shared with Gandhi her predicament. -“Bapu, my son eats too much sugar. It is not good for his health. Would you please advise him to stop eating it?”
Gandhi listened to the woman carefully, thought for a while and replied,“Please come back after two weeks. I will talk to your son.”
The woman looked perplexed and wondered why had he not asked the boy to stop eating sugar right away. She took the boy by the hand and went home.
Two weeks later they revisited Gandhi. Gandhi looked directly at the boy and said,“Boy, you should stop eating sugar. It is not good for your health.”
The boy nodded and promised he would not continue this habit any longer. The boy’s mother was puzzled. She turned to Gandhi and asked,“Bapu, Why didn’t you tell him that two weeks ago when I brought him here to see you?”
Gandhi smiled,“Mother, two weeks ago I was eating a lot of sugar myself.”

THE CAT THAT ELOPED WITH THE SAINT

with almost 5000 hairstrands given up hope on me in the past one month....multiple visits to doctors and nearly half my salary blown up on medicines..i managed to swing on an old forest jeep in the middle of a dark corbett road..tracing the names of constellations that paid a visit on a foggy night...with green apple aftertaste and a piece of "chilly chicken" that followed me to the city of the unhealthy and the beautiful..i questioned the very possibilities of sainthood and me finally getting to see how magnetic a magnetic storm really is!

Gu's down to 46 kgs.....galt baat hai

"lumière du côté en noir de moi"

- light on the dark side of me

i want you to return like the unseasonal rain....

a threat to the weather experts..

a delight for me..

205920 seconds = estimated number of times i have inhaled/exhaled since..

in the midst of unprecedented rain, the african spider dances round and round....rejoicing twisting his thin manipulative legs... trying to confuse the vulnerable prey...

what the spider does not realize is how vulnerability changes sides... caught in it's own web, the spider turns prey to its own feed...

"...love man not less...but nature more"

two days since the 'character sketch' has been up
3 eligible dogs on heat have already shown their keen interest.

its so cool to click "REJECT" for someone...i ve started to enjoy this game

where's my dark knight?

ive been asked by just too many people to try out one of the matrimonial sites for my future prospects..which seems pretty dull if i keep shunning men around me...i dont know why none of them (family that is) dosent recommend me any dating site..maybe the idea of a f*** after marriage sounds better than f*** before the official commitment.

However strange this may seem..i have actually decided to go ahead with the option...and post my "character sketch" on shaadi.com..

The idea seems quite intriguing...i wish to see this scenario i.e. the matrimonial portal as a huge buffet...too many dishes...id wana try some, ignore some..and hog on the one that i find best... (not such a good example)..

so here is the "get to know me" text - a clear reflection of who i am (have become):
i am 25 in 2 months (in case i dont kill myself drinking too many breezers), love alcohol, love work, often get screwed (at work that is), otherwise its been a while, pleasantly suicidal, intensely murderous, 4 years experience in the developmental sector, 5 in the mental sector, expert training in handling abusive, immature, hyper, confused men..training in weeping using all possible vocal chords by three expert national level trainers, along with a crash course in fighting using both traditional indian and british abuses..

...im still working on it...


yours (blushing..:))

it's a miracle..that took 7 months and a lot of office politics to take shape..

i took a leave from work yesterday..because..i was tired...

instead..i bought silver...satisfied my taste buds with thai jumbo prawns..and came face to face with my friend's ghostly mother..


slept for 11 hours yesterday..and 10 today..

couldn't get any better..

(p.s. but then i have a quarterly report staring through my laptop that i need to complete...damn!...reality strike 1)

he looked into her eyes trying to sell her the most romantic line from mills and boons..

she burst out laughing in disgust..

ouuch!

the line that sank somewhere in a calender

210 red strikes on a calender

120 additional pencil marks this year

the year that left and the one thats half way through

its 11th july

i dont love me no less..
i only started to love myself more

I THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY

THEY SAY - "GET A LIFE"

I SAY : "NO!"

maybe this sounds better

i am the "Tryptophan" of my life

"we used to be in love at one point of time..
now we're like a married couple - fighting, struggling, bored"


hearing stuff like this makes me question the very foundation of commitment and love..if at all they were borne from the same nerve.

i plan to go to a dating / matrimonial institute in some days...all prepared to fail in finding the most simple qualities i seek in a man besides no cheating, no illegitimate kids and is happy to cook breakfast (occasionally happy to add the other two meals as well...yeh zyada ho gaya shayad)


learn to do things first before asking/expecting for the same and acknowledge every little thing one does to keep things nice n happy..these are words of an experienced failure...

in reality...madam celestial..the only person you need to be completely gaga- gugu over is yourself....by expecting someone else to treat you that way means your accept yourself to be a commodity....simple

i think we can finalize the dates for our mountain retreat now...end of july / first week august??

i warned you for a long long time...

this is only the beginning..

what goes round..has just begun coming around


:-)




http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=beX7sZ-smvk

FINALLY!

i have the most amazing notebook ive bought from my sweat n blood....its beautiful..its high end...and it would have not been possible had Chacha Chaudhury not accompanied me..

yEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

the day roopa decided to grow from
the left ankle of the fairy's tattoo that brought
a lot more color that just the blue on my dress
Happy Birthday Roops!

and then she was the one..

Gujarat for me will not be a mere sumulation exercize on ICS
Ive met some wonderful people...some usual 40 uear old's and had an
Opportunity to drive around in the reserve when its closed for general public..
guess the District Magistrate was too much in love to be personally
accompanying me leaving behind Ex-Chief-Ministers, Secy, Govt of India..

as long as i got to go on the joy ride...its all ok..

sometimes i wish life for now would have been so much easier if i were like you...

would have spent less time in generating hatred

you know the advertisement box on the top of my blog screen says "marry your dream partner"..

ive been having really scary dreams lately?@13$

"You know the most beautiful and powerful part about you is that the only thing that seperates me and the world is you.."

- Ani

im trying to figure out whats too much

cheating or the fact that you can look into someone's eyes after the brave act

or

cheating or the fact you can look into someone's eyes and justify it

or

cheating or the fact that you look into someone's eyes with fierce anger and try to manipulate and show him/her down

im surprised at how all men want a woman besides them who seems like a shadow of their mums..

stands by them through thick and thin...never betrays or lies...

their future wife...their kids mother...


what surprises me is that the man should not necessarily have all or rather any of these qualities himself....and wants a woman whose nothing like he is....

i sometimes think if i was this bitchy, available chick who laid/got laid for pleasure....would i want a man whose all clean....maybe...maybe coz i want someone to help me get over my real self...someone who makes me forget "THIS IS WHO YOU REALLY ARE"

ISNT IT?....Mr. *******

Remember some people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them!

....was a line in one of the forward messages sent today..

i never thought id be this happy to hear that someone is leaving for the next 5-7 years to grab his dream..but meeting him yesterday..and hearing about the hot and the sweet chicks he's met...his bakery..his "mum"...his PHD..his music was great...
sometimes you have to let people go to make sure both stay happy...

you are the rain in September...that was found somewhere next to my palm tree

and then...
TGIF..
chocolate dreams..
abusive mails..
heart breaks..
mohitos..
holiday packages..
butter prawn..
pills..
old friends..
old boyfriends..
fighting couples..
california..
training programs..
overage..
underage..
hunger..
depression..
travel plans..
faith..
gods and godessess..
swamyji..
given up...not given up...given up...not given up...given up..not given up..given up..not given up..given up...not given up...given up..not given up..

two sheikhs

and a bottle of coco chanel

the 'once upon a time' loved one..reduced to a present day password....

grown over the state of mush..i live in my own virtual periphery of magnetic cynicism that now pumps my heart with the most potent justification to keep moving on and on

and on

i happended to come across the most filmy co-incidence during the trip i made last week. i thought ive mentioned so much rona dhona..why not share the interesting bits...

my journey from calcutta to silchar was blessed with the most uncomfortable, antique ATR journey ever. The plane made all possible moves that even rajnikanth would take a decade to learn...right next to me was a 20 something guy....both of us..for 2 hours sat as if no one was sitting next to us.....6 days later while crying on the airport i noticed the same guy walk in to the check in....then he boarded the same flight as i did...then to my surprise...again he was sitting right next to me....

the plane took off...with two surprised faces...20 minutes had passed and the two of us had mainted our silence and our composure....then he spoke "wernt you travelling with me on tuesday"...filmy ha!...i smiled....then started the chit chat...anyway..his name is Pranjal...a 29 year old engineer with the Tatas who found my panic attacks due to cloud pockets quite amusing..i got off at the Calcutta airport from where i had to take another flight to delhi in 3 hours....

The chit-chat kept me busy..and clamed me down after the torture i had been through the night before...at the airport he asked if i was ok in him accompanying me for lunch as his family was till back in Silchar and he had no option but to eat out..n i agreed......

I had a nice chat session with him for 2 hours over some food and beer ....about politics and zodiac signs....training civil servants and marriage plans.....religion and nightlife.....

i told him how strange it was for me to have lunch and beer with a stranger...but it was great...its rare one gets to meet an intellegent, calm, "appealing" man on a plane twice!

and believe me...i wanted nothing out of it...dont want to meet him again..he's never been to delhi..and i dont see myself going to calcutta...but we really clicked...and it felt great...to just be in the moment..and not expect...it really dosent matter if well meet or talk over the phone in the future or not...and for a girl like me who expects so bloody much from people around me..this was a good feeling :)

im still not over the silchar incident...maybe coz the old lad repeatedly texted me even after my father threatening him...i recieved a sigh of relief when i told my boss yesterday about the incident...i had an option to get him sacked, ruin his carreer as a respected state level officer...but i did'nt..

but if i look back...its funny how 40 year old start reliving his days of being 18 ... the following was a शेर that was not only written for me..but was also shared infront of a batch of 18 civil servants..

आपका यूं सिलचर आना...किसी इन्सिदेंत से कम नही

हमारा दिल आप पर अजना ...इसमे हमें कोई शक नही

दूर दूर तक चा गए हैं इन्सिदेंत के साए..हम केहेते है ये इन्सिदेंत लौट कर वापस यहीं आये......

..................................................

people who know me well...can imagine how my face might have looked at that moment.

the second shock was a bunch of 20 revolutionaries who stopped my car on the way to the airport...and refused to let our car move....we were forced to call the deputy commissioner and a police patrol car was sent to rescuse us and escort us to the airport...

i spent two hours at the airport crying like a 3 year old...still not over the shock i receieved the night before...stranded on the shillong highway coz of a drunk maniac...i did not think i would escape safely.....after this..the revolutionaries stopping us was not such a big surprise..i was too numb to anything that followed.......

talk about a happening life....!

the Thematic Battle to kill the False being Within

if we admit that life can be ruled by reason.....the possibility of life gets destroyed...

returned from silchar last night
and i havent felt this physically and emotionally drained in ages
My return journey from delhi to silchar and then back home was accompanied by near death miss accident, ATR planes that break dance in the air, 10 hours of extensive studying everyday and an obsessive 40 year old civil servant who tortured me at 1 am on the silchar - shillong highway, terrorizing me to death..followed by over a 100 calls and 50 texts...

home coming was never this better...

i wish i was one of the superheroes from the incredibles :)

but no honestly..most people who saw my super x... said there was a lot of similarity...

im supposed to take that one as a complement..right!

Prateek left the city today...

i should be trained in people leaving by now...but this ones too much to handle....told him yesterday..im not good at bye-byes


(p.s.: Questworld..Oooh so sad is a very sad response to this one...you really dont know how difficult it is for me to survive without people i love...and im not very proud of this impractical quality of mine)

Freak Weather

Not even half way down the year..everyone's moving on with their life

sid leaves in a day
Doctor's gone
Hardev's belly dancing in UAE
Prateek leaves in a month's time

wah kya zindagi hai

this gives me a bigger reason to bunjee jump from a cliff.....without the safety rope that is

i swear to drunk im not god

30 mins of life on a jogging track

my life becomes mine in the truest sense in the 30 minutes i give myself while taking a walk...it's become a state of ultimate numbness... than a weight loss program...the 2 km stretch that curves and goes up n down like my stupendous life...

so many sweaty bodies just passing by me...with a hundred things churning in their heads....almost like this Mastercard Ad with this ponytail chick running in a fitted jogging suit gambling with a million thoughts..

i saw these two men walking out of the park with me...two typical village guys amused by almost everything they see....They see a white Honda Civic parked right outside the gate..and one of them told the other "ek din yeh humari hogi"


the best thing in the world is to WANT things...its probably more trippy than even having em...you have to constantly keep WANTING it..and then i think of people...people who either have it all...but probably dont WANT any of it no more......



and then there are those who know how to dream...

trust me by the holiest of lords blessing Machu Pichu when i tell you im the last soul on the globally warmed planet to make a pass at anyone...flirting with a strange set of flesh and eyes gets me the same feeling i got while watching visual tortures like tashan... my near and dear ones know it..i know it....it's just aint me...


but i wasn't going to live with that image for the rest of my decaying life....so the day i set my bum on the "made to fit" seat of Go Air i told myself....years and years of morals and ethics have come crashing down to me...and here i am finally telling myself how my dreams are actually "my choices" .......cut it short...i was all planned to prove my friends wrong..and Goa was the ultimate place to do it...

im not getting to the nitty gritties of the trip..and how much i drank...and jumped in the pool..and jumped in the sea....and counted stars against sand particles...and shopped...and went paraglyding with the endless sea right before me...and blah blah blah blah.....(pics on facebook)

coming to the point.....the night before we were to return..all of got all dressed up to loosen up in the "oh so cool dude" place called Mambo's...the place is full of russians and israelis and pick ups from all exotic and not so exotic parts of the world....Very few Indians..It definately stood apart from all clubs i had seen in my city...ok let me divert from the topic again...before i move on.. let me tell you..."im just not into firangs" i have never been...and i dont see the idea popping up in my head one fine day...

but butt...when all of us were seated trying to get our brains intoxicated with Mohitos a friend of mine and i noticed this firang standing a few steps away from our seat...for a second i felt the seat under our non existent bum had blown away...this man by far in the history of my Gluttonous life was the most appealing piece of flesh and bones i had ever seen, imagined or sketched ....

and the best part...well he was smiling at us...all of his 32 teeth glowing with pride...there the mohito starting hitting us... finally...so my friend told me since i am very clearly getting a signal i should go and talk to him...me being me...decided not to..it was too early..and i didnt want to come across as someone desperate...an hour had passed by and the guy had stood and smiled from all possible angles around our radius...finally when i sat next to the bar...the guy comes right next to me.. smiles..and then comes and sits right next to my couch..."there" said my friend..."your the bitch of the first category if you let this chance go"...i looked at him saying to myself "serendipity you can do this" and then in a second got up..held Prateeks hand and walked off.....

that was by far one of the rudest things i could do to a man who looked like a greek god...i swear...you should have seen his charming face turn into an emu like figure...

i just couldnt do it...i just couldnt....

ive returned back hearing enough swears from my friends....

i might have made a few mistakes and even fewer blunders in my life...but i choose to do things as stubbornly as i can...a friend of mine told me i am too idealistic and i can never find an ideal man...not in this century.....

i disagree..

P.S. It's trekking in Gulmarg and Bunjee in Nepal next!



the life in me is the very air she breathes

"time dosen't wait for anyone...yet time is the greatest healer"

Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga Gugu Gaga.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

walk on.........

one whose wooing with his flying tachniques and adventure sports craze
the other a celebrity singer

my search for a husband continues.....,

another year to go....before im ready to divorce my singlehood....

it keeps getting more n more trippy...
it rained...
i saw a rainbow...a beeeautifull rainbow placed right before my eyes as i moved my car through trafic laden roads of vasant vihar....

life today is what you missed when you were busy working towards your tomorrow....

now can i have another surprise..please!!!!!!

it's a beautiful day...

and i want you to surprise me with tulips and orchids.... and a hand written note hidden somewhere in between...

anyone!

on a cloudy april morning i scratched steven tylor's butt before aerosmith decided to go pink singing crazy with his hypnotic daughter trying to seduce a dance pole within the reach of a blonde's strand of hair that got stuck somewhere between Sitla Khet's altitude and the tiger who refused to pay me a visit while i stood waiting at the airport with a friend of his trying to understand if the tattoo on the ankle should be a fairy or a fairy colored with the tan on my back that happened to settle in quietly while i covered the sun over my skin trying to understand what was written on the first page of my basic and intermediate course module that i could'nt understand for so so long and today felt like someone had walked all over the road with too many tyres having already exploited it but at ease with the rain that colled her down before another day could be called another day or a wednesday or a day when i cant seem to understand the connect between whats said in the secret and what was quoted by people before they learnt to become humans again.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................i am the sand that got stuck between your index while you were busy drawing your luck line.......

played around with the whole bloody time.......

...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................itll all come around...............

and the reality hits me first thing on a monday morning....
TAXES..

the price we pay for dreaming big

"मुझे प्यार हो गया है!"

i've been repeating this statement to all my friends for over 4 hours ....

i happened to visit the ISSYE MIYAKI counter at ansal Plaza today....they have a new fragrance for men called INTENSE and as the name suggests...it blew me away...

im in love.....love is in the air.....i am in the air.....the fragrance is intensly in the air......complete - ly in love with the fragrance.....complete-ly in love with the men's ISSEY on my wrist....

"डूब जा मेरे प्यार में"..........कवि की कल्पना देखिये

i dont believe in sanctity...

...hypocracy....

could everyone agree that...

....no one should be left alone.....

two things on my intoxicated subconscious:

elope and make a friends episode

and second...create life and prove god's not the ultimate creator...

i dont want love to be my life's LSD anymore..
destroys internally while showing colorful hallucinations..

i asked someone long back...are you happy alone? the answer was..no...but im at peace and at comfort with my self and my life..

what is more important...to be at peace or be happy....be not be$%&^*@#

Serious Business

equipment procurement, emergency operating centres, hiring consultants, scope of work, quarterly report, incident command system, piloting districts, training modules, IAS cadres, activity schedules, technical bids, financial bids, CTO, early warning dissemination study, disaster communication curriculum, civil defence curriculum....

...............while the entire team in the conference room is busy discussing over the above mentioned points....my mind's constantly thinking of CHICKEN SAMOSAS!

feel like a newborn

...............

kicking and screeming

i am a tattoo maker...engraving dreams through green blood alongside the sea...i am a car mechanic...grease on my forehead..permanenlty broken finger nails...rubbing through the body of a 70's miracle...i am a wedding photographer...a boatman..a farmer with a white bull...
i am an english teacher under a thatched roof school with kids and goats on a land not known to google search..i am a lavender field...a crowbar..i am a telescope....i am the wind that dances around cotton fields..i am a newborns smallest finger...a newborns heart line on his palm...i am the air i tried to taste on the DND...i am the blue of the sea and am also the grey of the clouds...i am lemongrass...i am a puddle ..a muslin cloth...a persian alphabet...i am the sound of just anything spoken in urdu...i am the eighth color of the rainbow..a sand particle under your feet...the neverending over your fate...

can you not see!

optimism is the madness of insisting that all is well when we are miserable..

i sat today with my elbow on the table and my right hand supporting my face...just staring at the monitor....for over 4 hours..i don't know what went through my head...maybe it was so much that none if it could be registered..and i sat numb like somone was showing me a documentary on my past life..

someone told me yesterday..my problem is that im too passionate and too idealistic..

is that really a problem! or maybe people are just too damn confused and complicated to be simple and straightforward anymore..

i have a report to write..but im running my fingers through this keyboard to write the muck in my head instead....write....how does one feel when we express things in writing...just scribble every symbol that rushes through one's system...and we beautifully lay them over a blank page like french cuisine on a white dish...

when did i get something in writing last?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRVrQsdWDds

im not like you...infact im nomore like me either

is something seriously wrong!

the god of big problems!!!!!!!!!!!

O.K im not being preachy...just making that clear...but the following text (please add the title of this blog to it) was sent to me a minute back by my colleage...the 2nd consecutive day...is someone playing games with me!!!

this is what she had sent me..:

Once a young man came to a revered teacher, who was seated under a tree near a beautiful lake, and asked for the solution for his unhappiness.
After some minutes of conversation the old master kindly instructed the visitor to put a handful of salt in a glass of water and then to drink a few mouthfuls. How does it taste?? the teacher asked. Awful, said the apprentice after he had spat out the revolting liquid a few paces away.
The teacher chuckled and then asked the young man to take another handful of salt and put it in the lake. The two walked in silence to the nearby lake and when the youngster swirled his handful of salt into the lake, the old man told him, Now drink from the lake.? As the water dripped down the young man?s chin, the master asked him again, How does it taste??

Good! he replied. Do you taste the salt?? asked the Master. No,said the young man. The Master sat beside the troubled youth, took his hands, and said, The pain of life is pure salt; no more, no less. The amount of pain in life remains the same, exactly the same. But the level of pain we taste depends on the container we put it into. So when you are in pain, the only thing you can do is to enlarge your sense of things. Stop being a glass. Become a lake. And you can become a lake where you broaden your outlook; when you stop looking only at yourself and your own miseries. Look at life as a whole and the many things without which you would not be what you are today - your friends, family, hobbies, nature around you. When you are confronted with a problem, you see only the problem and ruminate over it endlessly which only makes the situation more tragic. Think of previous instances when things were better.Never compare yourself negatively with others. You are a unique person .

what the hell! that makes it two signs in two days......

today as i drove for work i happened to see a wall on Safdarjung road that said:

"What Goes Around Comes Around"

......man this is strange!

i know it does

Errrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Of implication, insinuation and ill will,
'til you cannot lie still,
In all this turmoil, before red cape and foil
come closing in for a kill
Come feed the rain

-Poets of the fall "Carnival of Rust"

there are no wrongs and rights in life
only convenient and not-so-convenient

just because people dont understand you
doesent mean you're an artist

a little over a month with these guys and the reality hits me right on my face.....the grass really isnt greener on the other side...infact i think the other side looks quite grey..

im tired...already...something coming from a person like me...just not expected....but i work with a bunch of money making robots who travel 24/7 for making their fancy TADA in dollars...there's politics in every nook and corner, everyone is trying to cut the other person.....40 year old's tryimg to impress a girl half their age...they all say it was much better with the firangi boss.....the Oriya lad's nothing short of a Baniya.....

im the youngest here...infact so bloody young it takes time for their statements and mindset to sink in..

there us no support...absolutely none....you're on your own, yet you cant take independent decisions, and nobody's available to sit with you even for a minute..

ive worked with kids....something i call the reason for my existence..i miss getting up in the morning and working throughout the day doing things that can give these kids some direction.....something that can alter the minds of an avarage human...

i work with machines here..they are ATM machines...hate working with no passion in my heart...

disaster management turned my life into a disaster...

man! im better off getting married and growing cabbage and carrots in my kitchen garden...

i don't really know how long im staying here.....really!


P.S: very very upset

not traped between the good, the bad and the ugly..

i begin where a circle decides to end..

in between deadlines, office egos and rivalries...the eraphone in my right ear keeps me grooving with a song called 'Puth Jatt Tha (street mix)' by a lad called Jassi Sidhu

you can pretty much take my word for the fact that i can't seem to understand a word of what he says...but i love it.....love it like a love struck pup...

my valentine with Jassi ji!

'Cause it's you and me
and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me
and all other people

And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you'

-you and me

nothing lasts forever....especially not love


but



what would you attempt to do
if you knew you could not fail.....

yesterday i spent 13hrs making out with a keyboard.....by the end of it, when i crawled down the stairs of my lavish concrete office space, i had misplaced my senses in one of the polished wooden drawers under my table....

belive it...more than what im trying to "forecefully make you believe"...it was "the most stressfull day in the history of my short working life..."

at nine in the morning i sat working on my first ever quarterly report that had to be sent to the big daddy's office (all of us have one)...and when i realized my left leg had gone numb it was 4 in the evening....10 mins break on my green terrace garden (most of which was spent on waking my long slept leg)...i was back on my seat.....

the report's gone....and hopefully the big daddy will find it ok.....but i still havent managed to revive all of my senses back...


i need a holiday(s)

Quest World...How much for the Taj tents in Jodhpur?

overeenkomst met het
affaire avec elle
το εξετάστε
affare con esso
それの取り引き
그것에 거래
negócio com ele
deal with it!
дело с им

Fall in love or fall in hate
Get inspired or be depressed
Ace a test or flunk a class
Make babies or make art
Speak the truth or lie and cheat
Dance on tables or sit in the corner
Life is divine chaos. Embrace it.
Forgive yourself. Breathe.
And enjoy the ride...

"everything will be alright
in the end

if it's not alright
it;s not the end"

-unknown

"..The mind goes on spining a thousand and one thoughts and the mind goes on moving-in the past, in the future. How can you listen? And whatever you listen to it will not be right listening at all. You will listen to something else which has not been said at all, you will go on missing that which is said-because you will not be in tune.."

im not in love....
...im in a state of perceptual anesthesia...

30,000000 times in a second, this mind-numbing, mind-fuking feeling of immense depth in the core of cornermost element of the universe hiding away from the glory of the the strength that can never be taken away, you can take yourself...how can you take what is already taken away from you...feeling of power, of speed, of energy, of hands shivering, of thinking with an overcrowded mind, with an empty space full of overcrowing atoms rushing through the boundaries of the million things i said, through another million words that failed to penetrate into the practicalities of your imagination, as minutes tick tock against time and the retina expands into what it is not prepared to see, folded fingers gripping the palm with whatever is left in them, shying away like an amateur eucalyptus leaf from the east of your sun, setting and rising without having anyone to look at it, and i wonder what would it be like to finally SEE imagine a light that seeps through the web of your own grey dreams, a place where you never let me reside, turing it into black matter of blank labels, on a day that the earth will rise and then set in its own lustful horizon, speeding through the wee hours of the night on a road that was once intoxicated by my love in the color of the brown bruise under the eye of the wedding ring that faded in the fog of december that took it's last breath and said - Crazy Beautiful!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Js293jlB_80&feature=related

Coffee Break!

my third day at IRG-USAID..the past two days havn't been any different from today..
even though these guys asure my feet are warm with the heaters placed on both sides of my chair...and my face glows bright yellow(too many fancy lights..i sit here like i was born deaf and dumb..

im the youngest here....to make it sound worse...the person right next to my age is the 34 year old kitchen staff guy..

every second man/woman who enters this office has to have 40 strands of grey hair....so much so...i can feel mine go grey soon...

the firnags are crazy when it comes to following strict schedules:
9 am: reach office
9:10 am: tea/coffee break
9 - 10 30: work
10:30: tea/coffee break
10:30 - 12: work
12 pm: tea/coffee break
12- 1: work
1-2 pm: lunch with tv (everyone from the Chief to Office Managers eat together in the dining area
2:30 pm: tea/coffee break
3 - 4 pm work
4 pm: tea/coffee break
4-5pm: work
5 pm: Dukan Band!


this is my third day...and my stomach has gone topsy-turvy with the 6 cups of coffee they give me everyday!